Necessary Losses

1. Loss is Inherent to Life and Growth

And these losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go.

Universal experience. Loss is not merely the absence of something, but a fundamental aspect of the human condition. It encompasses death, separation, change, and the relinquishing of dreams and illusions. This perspective broadens our understanding of loss beyond the tangible and immediate.

Growth through renunciation. Human development is paved with renunciation. We grow by giving up attachments, cherished parts of ourselves, and impossible expectations. This process of renunciation, though painful, is essential for personal evolution and maturity.

Loss shapes us. Our responses to loss experiences determine the people we become and the lives we lead. Understanding how we deal with loss is central to understanding our lives, as it shapes our expectations, relationships, and overall worldview.

2. The Yearning for Oneness vs. the Necessity of Separation

For he on honey-dew hath fed, And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Original bliss. The ultimate mother-child connection represents a state of oneness, a "harmonious interpenetrating mix-up" that we yearn to recapture throughout our lives. This pursuit of connection can manifest in various forms, from sexual intimacy to religious experiences.

The price of individuality. While the desire for union persists, the road to human development is paved with renunciation. Giving up this world-embracing oneness is a necessary loss, as it allows us to develop a distinct sense of self and navigate the world as individuals.

Constructive regression. Experiences of oneness can provide respite from the solitude of separateness and help us transcend our former limits. "To merge in order to reemerge" can be part of the fundamental process of psychological growth, enriching and enhancing our sense of self.

3. Building a Separate Self: A Lifelong Project

There is no ache more Deadly than the striving to be oneself.

Separation-individuation. The journey from oneness to separateness is a gradual unfolding, marked by predictable stages of differentiation, practicing, and rapprochement. These stages involve both physical and emotional separation from the mother.

Rapprochement crisis. The rapprochement stage presents a dilemma: how to balance the desire for autonomy with the need for connection and safety. This crisis shapes our subsequent relationships and our ability to stand alone.

Internal world. By the end of our second year, we begin to stabilize our inner pictures of ourselves and others, integrating good and bad qualities into a more realistic and enduring sense of self. This process, though never fully complete, is essential for healthy development.

4. Love, Hate, and the Human Connection

For love … is the blood of life, the power of reunion in the separated.

Love and separation. While being a separate self is glorious, it can also be lonely. Love serves as a bridge between separate selves, reconciling oneness and separateness through human connection.

The presence of hate. Even in the tenderest love relations, a small portion of hostility adheres. Acknowledging our aggression is not an argument for brutality, but a recognition of the complex and often contradictory nature of human emotions.

Lessons from parents. Our mother gives us our earliest lessons in love and hate, while our father elaborates on them, offering an alternative to the mother-child relationship and fostering autonomy and individuation.

5. The Oedipus Complex: Navigating Forbidden Desires

Psychic reality will always be structured around the poles of absence and difference; and … human beings will always have to come to terms with that which is forbidden and that which is impossible.

Universal longings. The Oedipus complex involves a passionate longing to possess one parent sexually and eliminate the other. These longings are forbidden and impossible, leading to guilt and a terror of reprisals.

Resolution through identification. We resolve our oedipal conflicts by renouncing our sexual love for the opposite-sex parent and identifying with the same-sex parent. This process shapes our gender identity and our moral compass.

Consequences of failure. Failure to resolve oedipal conflicts can lead to various psychological difficulties, including a compulsion to repeat early patterns in adult relationships and a fear of success.

6. Anatomy, Destiny, and Gendered Expectations

When you meet a human being, the first distinction you make is “male or female?”

Sex-linked limits. The mere fact of inhabiting a male or female body importantly defines and confines our experience. This recognition of sex-linked limits is another necessary loss.

Innate differences. While cultural influences play a significant role, there are also biological predispositions that shape our behavior and abilities. For example, boys are generally more aggressive, while girls have greater verbal ability.

Gender identity. The process of establishing gender identity differs for boys and girls, with boys needing to break more sharply from the mother tie. This can lead to anti-female defenses and a fear of intimacy.

7. Guilt: A Necessary Evil for a Moral Life

Without guilt What is man? An animal, isn’t he?

The role of conscience. Guilt becomes our own when we develop a superego, an internal critical voice that enforces moral restraints and ideals. This conscience, though limiting, is essential for civilized behavior.

Appropriate vs. inappropriate guilt. There is good and bad, appropriate and inappropriate guilt. Excessive guilt, such as indiscriminate guilt or disproportionate punitiveness, can be detrimental to our well-being.

Deficient guilt. A lack of guilt can be equally problematic, leading to antisocial behavior and a disregard for the well-being of others. A healthy conscience strikes a balance between moral restraint and personal freedom.

8. Adolescence: A Crucible of Identity and Loss

To be a man is, precisely, to be responsible.

Leaving childhood. Adolescence marks a transition from the safety of family life to the wider world. This phase involves acquiring social and psychological skills, as well as confronting new challenges and responsibilities.

Identity crisis. Adolescence is characterized by an identity crisis, a struggle to define who we are and what we want to be. This process involves integrating various aspects of our self and making choices about our future.

Mourning childhood. Adolescence also involves mourning the loss of childhood, including its innocence, simplicity, and sense of limitless possibilities. This mourning is essential for emotional growth and maturity.

9. The Imperfect Nature of Human Connections

We are all of us calling and calling across the incalculable gulfs which separate us….

Friendship's complexities. Friendships, like all relationships, are marked by ambivalence, competition, and the limitations of human nature. Even the best of friends are "friends in spots," offering only partial fulfillment of our needs.

Types of friendships. Different types of friendships serve different purposes, from convenience friends who provide practical support to close friends who offer deep emotional intimacy. Each type plays a valuable role in our lives.

The value of imperfection. Despite their imperfections, human connections are essential for our well-being. They provide support, pleasure, and opportunities for personal growth, enriching our lives in ways that solitude cannot.

10. Aging, Acceptance, and the Meaning of Mortality

This is what age must learn about: The ABC of dying.

Confronting mortality. Old age brings a new set of challenges, including physical decline, loss of loved ones, and a growing awareness of our own mortality. How we respond to these challenges shapes the quality of our final years.

Shifting perspectives. While aging involves losses, it can also bring new perspectives, freedoms, and opportunities for growth. By embracing the present moment and finding meaning in our experiences, we can transcend the limitations of age.

The end of mourning. The process of mourning, though painful, can lead to acceptance, adaptation, and a renewed appreciation for life. By letting go of what we must, we can find peace and fulfillment in our final years.

Last updated: April 10, 2025