Nice Girls Don't Speak Up or Stand Out

1. Build Rapport and Master the Basics of Communication

Rapport is like the WD-40 of relationships. It makes everything glide effortlessly.

Foundation of connection. Rapport, built on finding common ground, expressing genuine interest, matching body language, and exhibiting empathy, is the cornerstone of effective communication. It's not a one-time event but a continuous process of building trust and understanding.

Conscious competence. Like learning any new skill, building rapport moves from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence through conscious effort, practice, and feedback. The FEME model (Find common ground, Express genuine interest, Match body language, Exhibit empathy) provides a framework for developing this skill.

Consistent interactions. Rapport isn't built through a single interaction but through a series of consistent, genuine engagements. It's about making people feel seen, heard, and understood, which requires active listening and a genuine interest in their perspectives.

2. Advocate for Yourself with Confidence and Clarity

Not only do I have a right, but I also have a responsibility to say this.

Self-advocacy is essential. Women often struggle with self-advocacy, but it's crucial for achieving personal and professional goals. This involves challenging negative self-talk, establishing boundaries, and asking for what you deserve.

Headline communication. Communicating in headlines—a clear main message, supporting points, and a call to action—ensures your message is heard and understood. The DESC script (Describe, Explain, Specify, Clarify) provides a framework for preparing for difficult conversations.

Contrasting and asserting. Techniques like contrasting (stating what you don't want alongside what you do) and asserting (stating expectations and applying incentives) help you advocate for yourself without being perceived as overly aggressive. Varying your influence style (persuading, asserting, bridging, attracting, moving away) is also key.

3. Navigate Sticky Situations with Grace and Skill

I don’t want you to think I don’t realize how much thought you put into choosing this lovely gift because it’s clear to me that you did and I would never want to hurt your feelings. At the same time, I had my heart set on something a little different and I’m hoping you won’t mind if I exchange it for what I really want.

Strategic communication. Sticky situations require strategic communication, including differentiating between "can" and "must" interventions, answering loaded questions with deflections, and clarifying misunderstandings gracefully. The goal is to address issues without damaging relationships.

Active listening. Seeking first to understand, then be understood, involves active listening—paraphrasing, asking appropriate questions, and reflecting feelings. This approach strengthens relationships and paves the way for difficult conversations.

Facts over feelings. Turning feelings into facts and using powerful words enhances your credibility and ensures your message is taken seriously. It's about focusing on objective data and clear communication rather than emotional appeals.

4. Project Executive Presence Through Actions and Words

Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me.

Gravitas, appearance, and communication. Executive presence is built on three pillars: gravitas (confidence, integrity, decisiveness), appearance (body language, grooming), and communication (clarity, conciseness). It's about projecting an image of competence and authority.

Confidence and decisiveness. Exuding confidence involves taking risks, acting decisively, and showing teeth without being overly aggressive. It's about making clear, well-reasoned decisions and standing by them.

Integrity and truth. Showing integrity and speaking truth to power means being honest, ethical, and willing to challenge the status quo. It's about standing up for your beliefs and values, even when it's difficult.

5. Communicate Effectively with Men

It’s an interesting contrast that if men don’t communicate assertively, they’re seen as weak, whereas assertive women are often stereotyped as overly aggressive.

Understanding gender differences. Men and women often have different communication styles and expectations. Women tend to be more collaborative and relationship-focused, while men tend to be more direct and action-oriented.

Adapting your style. To communicate effectively with men, be clear about what you want, use fewer words, and focus on solutions rather than complaints. Use silence to your advantage and avoid equivocating language.

Addressing sexism. Sexism, mansplaining, and bropriating are real challenges that women face in the workplace. It's important to address these behaviors directly and assertively, while also choosing your battles wisely.

6. Give and Receive Feedback Mindfully

I’m flattered and at the same time I’m not able to accept your gracious offer.

Feedback as a gift. Feedback, both positive and negative, is essential for growth and development. It's important to give feedback mindfully, focusing on behavior rather than character, and to receive feedback graciously, seeking to understand rather than defend.

I-messages and coaching. Using I-messages (starting sentences with "I") and coaching rather than criticizing helps to create a more collaborative and less confrontational environment. The 7:1 rule (seven positive comments for every negative one) is also key.

Handling resistance. When giving feedback, be prepared for resistance, including silence, aggression, complaints, confusion, and compliance. Respond to each form of resistance with patience, clarity, and a focus on problem-solving.

7. Master the Nuances of Modern Communication

Emails sent in haste are often in bad taste.

Electronic communication. In today's world, electronic communication is ubiquitous, but it's important to use it wisely. Avoid sending emails or tweets that you wouldn't say to someone's face, and always proofread your messages for errors.

Professionalism is key. Keep your business communications professional, using clear and concise language, avoiding slang and jargon, and organizing your messages for easy reading. Remember, your written communications are a reflection of your brand.

Distraction management. In a world of constant distractions, it's important to manage your environment and your focus. Don't let interruptions derail your message, and be prepared to reschedule meetings if necessary.

8. Manage Your Emotions and Those of Others

I’m not sure how to read the silence. Can you give me some feedback as to why I should or shouldn’t pursue this strategy?

Emotional intelligence. Managing your own emotions and those of others is crucial for effective communication. This involves recognizing your own triggers, responding to emotions rather than reacting to them, and creating a safe space for others to express their feelings.

Handling anger. When faced with anger, whether your own or someone else's, use the Plexiglas shield technique to protect yourself from negative emotions. Focus on the content of the message rather than the emotion, and address the anger at a later time.

Active listening. Active listening is key to understanding the emotions of others. It involves paraphrasing, asking appropriate questions, and reflecting feelings. This approach strengthens relationships and paves the way for difficult conversations.

9. Embrace Imperfection and Lighten Up

You turn if you want to. The lady’s not for turning.

Authenticity and humor. It's okay to be imperfect. In fact, embracing your imperfections and using humor can make you more relatable and approachable. It's about being authentic and genuine, rather than trying to be someone you're not.

Self-deprecating humor. The ability to laugh at yourself and your foibles goes a long way in enhancing your likability. It also helps to diffuse tense situations and put others at ease.

Strategic use of humor. Use humor to lighten the mood, manage expectations, and connect with others. It's a powerful tool for building relationships and influencing others, but it should be used judiciously and with sensitivity.

Last updated: January 15, 2025