Sleepless in Big-Boned Bertha

Xander Moore, the youngest and most anxious of the "Bertha boys," is suffocating in his own thoughts. Living in the Big-Boned Bertha house with his found family, he's plagued by catastrophic worries about his friends' safety and his own worth. As his roommates pair off and move on, Xander feels increasingly left behind, his anxiety morphing into a desperate need for reassurance and connection. His only solace comes from his nurse, Derek, who is both his anchor and the object of his unrequited love. Xander's internal monologue is a relentless loop of self-doubt, fear of abandonment, and longing for the comfort of others, especially Derek, who seems just out of reach.

Nurse on Call

Derek Knight, a nurse with a passion for bugs and a heart too big for his own good, has built his life around being available for Xander's panic attacks. What started as professional concern has become a personal mission, blurring the lines between caregiver and friend. Derek's own dreams—travel, beekeeping, a home of his own—are on hold as he remains tethered to the city, always within reach for Xander. Despite his attempts to maintain boundaries, Derek's feelings for Xander deepen, complicating his sense of duty and desire.

Family, Found and Feral

Xander's world is populated by a vibrant cast: his foster brother Seven, Seven's partner Molly, and a rotating crew of friends who have become his family. Their neighbor Aggy, a sharp-tongued octogenarian, adopts them all as her own, providing the maternal care Xander never had. The house is chaotic, loving, and full of inside jokes, but Xander's fear of being left behind intensifies as each friend finds love and contemplates moving out. The found family is both his greatest comfort and his deepest source of anxiety.

The Art of Coping

Art is Xander's escape and his livelihood, but it's also a battleground for his self-esteem. He pours his anxiety and longing into his paintings, which are wildly popular online despite his conviction that they're terrible. Teaching art at a nursing home, at Aggy's urging, gives him a sense of purpose and connection, but also exposes him to new vulnerabilities. His interactions with the residents, especially the irreverent Bethany, mirror his own struggles with aging, loss, and the search for meaning.

Club Night Collision

A spontaneous club night leads to a dramatic confrontation: Xander, jealous and impulsive, intervenes when another man touches Derek on the dance floor. The encounter is electric but fraught, as both men are forced to confront the boundaries of their relationship. Xander's desire for Derek is undeniable, but so is the wall of professional ethics and personal baggage between them. The night ends with hope and disappointment in equal measure.

Lines We Shouldn't Cross

Derek and Xander's chemistry is palpable, but Derek's sense of responsibility keeps him from acting on his feelings. Their interactions are charged with longing and frustration, as Derek tries to maintain professional distance while Xander pushes for more. The tension between what they want and what's "right" becomes a central conflict, with both men suffering for their restraint.

Dancing Around Boundaries

Volunteering together at the nursing home, Xander and Derek find new ways to be close without crossing lines. Art classes and dance lessons become safe spaces for intimacy, allowing them to see each other outside the context of illness and crisis. These moments of joy and vulnerability bring them closer, but also make the limitations of their relationship more painful.

Therapy, Resistance, Relapse

Pushed by his friends and Derek, Xander reluctantly begins therapy with Dr. Sherwin. His resistance is fierce—he distrusts therapists, fears change, and clings to his coping mechanisms. Progress is slow and nonlinear, marked by relapses into panic and self-sabotage. The sessions reveal deep wounds from childhood neglect and foster care, as well as Xander's terror of abandonment and unworthiness.

The Hardest Goodbye

After a particularly brutal panic attack, Derek finally enforces boundaries, refusing to be Xander's crutch any longer. The separation is devastating for both, but necessary. Xander is forced to confront the reality that he cannot rely on others to save him, and Derek must reckon with the cost of his own self-sacrifice. The break is a catalyst for real change, though it comes with immense pain.

Panic and Progress

Alone and adrift, Xander's anxiety reaches new heights. His friends intervene, using tough love to push him toward real engagement with therapy. Slowly, Xander begins to accept help—not just from others, but from himself. Medication, coping strategies, and honest conversations with Dr. Sherwin start to make a difference. The process is messy and imperfect, but for the first time, Xander glimpses the possibility of a life not ruled by fear.

Six Months Apart

Derek leaves for a four-month volunteer placement in Ghana, putting literal and emotional distance between him and Xander. The separation is agonizing, but also clarifying. Through texts and calls, they learn to support each other from afar, building trust and resilience. Xander's panic attacks decrease, and Derek rediscovers his own dreams and sense of self. When Derek returns, both are changed—stronger, more independent, and more certain of what they want.

Relearning Friendship

Back in the same city, Derek and Xander tentatively rebuild their relationship as friends—with benefits. They set clear boundaries to protect Derek's career and Xander's recovery, but the depth of their feelings makes it hard to maintain distance. Their connection is playful, passionate, and healing, but always shadowed by the question of when, or if, they can be together fully.

The Rules of Wanting

Derek and Xander formalize their relationship with a set of "rules" designed to keep them safe—emotionally and professionally. The rules are both a comfort and a frustration, as they navigate affection, sex, and the longing for more. Their commitment to each other is tested by jealousy, insecurity, and the ever-present threat of exposure.

The Waiting Game

With Derek's career on the line, they agree to wait the recommended two years before making their relationship public. The waiting is excruciating, but it becomes a crucible for growth. Xander continues therapy, Derek pursues his dreams of beekeeping and home ownership, and together they imagine a future that is both ordinary and extraordinary.

Coming Home, Coming Clean

When Derek returns from Cambodia, he and Xander finally allow themselves to be together openly. The reunion is joyful and cathartic, marked by honesty about their fears, needs, and hopes. They confront the realities of blending their lives—family, friends, careers, and the scars of the past—choosing each other again and again.

Building a Future

With the support of their friends and Aggy, Derek and Xander buy land and build a home together, inviting Seven and Molly to join them. The process is both literal and symbolic—a testament to the power of chosen family, healing, and the courage to hope for more. The new home is a sanctuary, a place where Xander can finally be soft, safe, and loved.

Family, Forever

The extended Bertha family gathers to celebrate the new home, reflecting on the journey from chaos to stability. Aggy, ever the matriarch, reminds them of the importance of connection and the inevitability of change. The bonds forged in adversity become the foundation for a future filled with love, laughter, and the promise of belonging.

Love, Actually

In the epilogue, Xander prepares to propose to Derek, surrounded by the family they built together. The journey from brokenness to wholeness is ongoing, but the love between them is steadfast. They have learned to trust, to hope, and to choose each other—every day, for the rest of their lives.

Characters

Xander Moore

Xander is the emotional heart of the story—a young man shaped by childhood neglect, foster care, and a lifetime of feeling unlovable. His anxiety is both a cage and a shield, driving him to seek constant reassurance from his found family and, especially, from Derek. Xander's creativity is his outlet and his curse; he pours his pain into his art, never believing it's good enough. His relationships are marked by neediness, impulsivity, and a desperate fear of abandonment, but also by deep loyalty and a capacity for joy. Over the course of the story, Xander's journey is one of learning to accept help, trust others, and, ultimately, believe in his own worth.

Derek Knight

Derek is a nurse whose instinct to care for others borders on martyrdom. His life becomes centered around Xander's needs, to the detriment of his own dreams and desires. Derek's love for Xander is complicated by professional ethics, personal boundaries, and his own longing for connection. He is both protector and prisoner, struggling to balance his sense of duty with his growing feelings. Derek's journey is about reclaiming his own life, setting healthy boundaries, and choosing love not out of obligation, but out of genuine desire.

Seven

Seven is Xander's foster brother and lifelong anchor. Their relationship is intense, codependent, and forged in the fires of shared trauma. Seven's own struggles with mental health mirror Xander's, and his journey through therapy becomes a model for Xander's eventual acceptance of help. Seven's love for Xander is unwavering, but he must learn to let go and trust others to care for his brother.

Molly

Molly is Seven's partner and a source of warmth and stability in the Bertha house. His optimism and kindness balance the intensity of Seven and Xander, providing a safe space for vulnerability and healing. Molly's presence is a reminder that love can be gentle, patient, and enduring.

Aggy

Aggy is the adopted grandmother of the Bertha boys, offering tough love, sharp wit, and unconditional acceptance. She challenges Xander to grow, sets boundaries he's never had, and reminds everyone that family is chosen, not given. Aggy's wisdom and humor are a balm for the wounds of the past.

Madden, Rush, Christian, Émile, Gabe, Penn, Elle

These friends and roommates form the tapestry of Xander's found family. Each brings their own history, struggles, and strengths, contributing to the chaotic, loving environment of Bertha. Their relationships with Xander and Derek provide both support and challenge, reflecting the complexities of chosen family.

Dr. Sherwin

Xander's therapist, Dr. Sherwin, is a steady presence in his journey toward healing. He challenges Xander's resistance, offers new perspectives, and helps him develop coping strategies. Sherwin's approach is gentle but firm, guiding Xander toward self-acceptance and growth.

Manny

Manny is Derek's anchor outside the Bertha world, offering perspective, humor, and a reminder of the life Derek put on hold. His encouragement and friendship help Derek navigate the complexities of love, career, and self-discovery.

Kismet

Kismet, the elusive and selective house cat, becomes a symbol of trust and belonging. His eventual acceptance of Derek mirrors the family's acceptance of outsiders and the possibility of new beginnings.

Plot Devices

Found Family as Healing

The central device is the creation of a found family—a group of misfits who become each other's home. This collective is both a source of comfort and a crucible for growth, forcing each member to confront their fears, needs, and capacity for love. The house itself, Big-Boned Bertha, is a symbol of safety, chaos, and the messy beauty of chosen kin.

Dual Narration and Intimate POV

The story alternates between Xander and Derek's points of view, allowing readers to inhabit both the anxious, spiraling mind of Xander and the steady, conflicted heart of Derek. This structure creates dramatic irony, emotional resonance, and a nuanced understanding of how love and mental illness intersect.

Slow Burn and Delayed Gratification

The romance unfolds over years, with professional ethics, personal growth, and external circumstances forcing the characters to wait, reflect, and mature. The slow burn heightens tension, making the eventual union feel earned and transformative.

Symbolism of Art and Bugs

Xander's art and Derek's fascination with bugs (especially ants and bees) serve as metaphors for their inner lives. Art is messy, layered, and never perfect—mirroring Xander's journey. Bugs, with their complex societies and roles, reflect Derek's longing for order, purpose, and connection.

Therapy as Narrative Catalyst

Therapy is depicted realistically, with setbacks, resistance, and gradual progress. Dr. Sherwin's sessions provide insight into Xander's psyche, challenge his self-perceptions, and catalyze change. The narrative does not offer easy fixes, but emphasizes the ongoing nature of healing.

Foreshadowing and Recurring Motifs

Small details—like Xander's habit of putting googly eyes on objects, his panic attack rituals, and the evolving list of relationship "rules"—serve as recurring motifs that track his progress and the shifting dynamics of his world.

Analysis

Not Catching Love is a deeply empathetic exploration of love, mental illness, and the power of chosen family. Saxon James crafts a romance that is as much about self-acceptance and healing as it is about passion and partnership. The novel refuses to romanticize mental illness, instead depicting Xander's anxiety and trauma with honesty, humor, and compassion. The slow-burn relationship between Xander and Derek is a masterclass in consent, boundaries, and the messy reality of loving someone who is still learning to love themselves. The story's greatest lesson is that healing is not a solitary journey, nor is it linear; it requires community, patience, and the courage to hope for more. In a world where so many feel unworthy or unseen, Not Catching Love offers a blueprint for building a life—and a love—worth staying for.

Last updated: May 25, 2025