Obsessed

1. Sudden Onset of Terrifying Intrusive Thoughts

Something this powerful did not exist without purpose. This was not a dream. This was a message, a warning. I have brain cancer.

A terrifying nightmare marks the abrupt beginning of the protagonist Allison's descent into severe anxiety. Waking from a vivid dream of dying from brain cancer, she feels an overwhelming certainty that the dream is a premonition, a direct message about her imminent death. This single, intrusive thought becomes the nucleus of her burgeoning fears.

The thought feels horribly right, strangely fulfilling an abandoned corner inside her, as if expecting something this terrible. This initial obsession about having terminal brain cancer is powerful and consuming, immediately impacting her emotional state and perception of reality. It's not just a bad dream; it's a truth revealed.

This sudden, intense conviction about a catastrophic personal threat is the hallmark of an obsession. Unlike typical worries, these thoughts are unwanted, persistent, and feel incredibly real, despite lacking any basis in reality. They demand attention and trigger immediate, overwhelming fear.

2. Misinterpreting Obsessions as Divine Warnings

It knows about my cancer. The radio knows about my dream. It’s warning me, about the illness all in my head.

Random occurrences are interpreted as coded messages confirming her fears. Waking to a popular song with the lyrics "It's all in my head," Allison believes the radio is directly referencing her supposed brain tumor, seeing it as another warning. This pattern of finding hidden meaning in unrelated events quickly escalates.

Everyday objects and situations become potential sources of divine communication or danger signals. A childhood rhyme about stepping on cracks triggers the terrifying belief that cracks cause brain cancer. Later, a crumpled sock, a blue pen, even her cell phone are labeled as deadly, their perceived danger revealed through intense physical sensations or sudden, forceful thoughts.

These perceived messages are attributed to a "monster," a "protector," or eventually, God. Allison believes she is chosen to receive these secrets about the true nature of illness and tragedy. This misinterpretation of intrusive thoughts as external, sacred warnings reinforces their power and her obligation to obey them.

3. Developing Compulsive Rituals to Control Fear

If stepping on a crack means certain death, then avoiding a crack must mean certain life.

To counteract the perceived dangers, Allison develops elaborate and rigid compulsions. Believing cracks cause cancer, she begins meticulously avoiding them by tiptoeing, hopping, and jumping across floors and sidewalks, often attracting bewildered stares. This physical avoidance is her primary defense.

Compulsions quickly multiply and become more complex. The belief that stepping on a crack can be undone by reaching her destination in a "safe" number of steps leads to constant counting. Running out of steps requires bartering, initially sacrificing food items to "buy" more steps, leading to severe food restriction.

The list of banned objects and required rituals grows exponentially. Hair dryers, brushes, makeup, certain clothes, furniture, pencils, paper, calculators, and even colors like green are deemed dangerous. Avoiding these triggers or performing specific actions (like standing on one foot, praying with gestures) becomes an all-consuming, exhausting task dominating her life.

4. The Isolating Impact of Severe OCD

In the strict social hierarchy of Samuelson, many unspoken guidelines govern the student body. One of the most important: Never walk anywhere by yourself.

Allison's increasingly bizarre behaviors alienate her friends. Her constant counting, tiptoeing, strange excuses, and emotional outbursts make her unpredictable and embarrassing to be around. Friends like Sara and Jenny, initially concerned, become frustrated and distant, whispering about her behind her back.

Social norms become impossible to navigate. The unspoken rule of never walking alone between classes is broken as her compulsions make walking with others too difficult. Sitting alone at lunch, screaming in the cafeteria, and showing up to school in tattered pajamas further isolate her from her peers.

Relationships with her parents become strained and defined by conflict. Her mother's attempts to help or understand are met with anger and defiance, as Allison believes their interference is dangerous. Hiding her rituals and fears creates a chasm of secrecy and misunderstanding within the family.

5. Physical and Mental Deterioration from the Disorder

My body is physically drained. As I walk about campus, I teeter on the edge of consciousness, tempted toward a warm cloud of sleep and darkness.

The relentless anxiety and compulsive behaviors take a severe physical toll. Constant vigilance, lack of sleep from late-night rituals, and severe food restriction lead to significant weight loss, exhaustion, and physical weakness. She describes feeling paper-thin and constantly shivering.

Basic hygiene becomes impossible as objects like toothbrushes, soap, and towels are banned. Her appearance deteriorates, with tangled, wet hair, severe acne, and worn, inappropriate clothing, further contributing to her isolation and embarrassment.

Academic performance suffers dramatically. Once a straight-A student aiming for Ivy League colleges, her inability to focus, use necessary school supplies, or even attend classes regularly causes her grades to plummet. The disorder consumes her ability to function in daily life.

6. The Difficult Path to Seeking Professional Help

I can explain fainting and skipping practice and not eating, but this—I see myself curled in the fetal position, naked, on the hallway floor—is not something I can hide behind stories and lies.

Allison initially resists any attempts by her parents or others to address her condition. She hides her most severe symptoms, lies about her behavior (claiming blisters, low blood sugar, tutoring), and becomes defensive when questioned, believing her actions are necessary for survival.

Her parents' growing concern leads them to seek medical help. After finding her curled naked on the floor, her mother makes an appointment with their family doctor, Dr. Mark. Allison is reluctant but goes, still determined to hide the true nature of her fears.

Despite her efforts to maintain secrecy, Dr. Mark recognizes signs of a mental health issue. Based on her weight loss, changes in behavior, and her mother's report, he refers her to a child and adolescent psychiatrist, initiating her formal entry into the mental healthcare system.

7. Receiving a Diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder involves obsessions, which are uncontrollable thoughts and fears, that lead the patient to perform compulsions, or repetitive actions.

At the psychiatrist's office, Allison encounters a display of mental health pamphlets. Drawn to them, she reads about various disorders but is struck by the description of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), recognizing the symptoms as her own experience.

The pamphlet's description of "persistent, unwanted thoughts or urges," "incessant or repetitive actions," and "invented rules and rituals to control anxiety" resonates deeply. This self-recognition is a pivotal moment, providing a potential framework for understanding her bewildering reality.

During her session with Dr. Adams, Allison hesitantly shares the pamphlet and describes her "bad thoughts" about cancer and tragedy. Dr. Adams validates her self-diagnosis, confirming that her symptoms align with OCD, marking the formal identification of her condition.

8. Understanding OCD as a Treatable Brain Disorder

“Well, Allison, I think I’m going to have to agree with your self-diagnosis.”

The diagnosis shifts Allison's perspective, offering a medical explanation for her experiences. Learning that her thoughts are symptoms of a disorder, not divine messages or personal failings, begins to chip away at the perceived sacredness and power of her obsessions.

Dr. Adams and later Dr. Nelson explain that OCD is a treatable condition. They introduce the concept of therapy and potentially medication as ways to manage the symptoms and regain control over her life, presenting a path forward beyond simply enduring the disorder.

While initially resistant to medication and still grappling with the perceived divine origin of her thoughts, the validation from medical professionals provides a crucial alternative narrative. It suggests that her suffering is not a chosen mission but an illness that can be addressed.

9. Confronting Fears Through Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)

“With Exposure Response Prevention, we expose you to the source of your anxiety or fear—in this case pencils—and prevent you from responding with your normal compulsions.”

Dr. Nelson introduces Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) as the primary treatment method for OCD. This therapy involves intentionally facing the triggers of her anxiety without performing the usual compulsive rituals that temporarily relieve the fear.

The first ERP exercise targets pencils, a banned object causing significant anxiety. Allison is asked to look at a pencil held by Dr. Nelson and resist her usual compulsions (holding her breath, praying, standing on one foot). This is incredibly difficult and anxiety-provoking initially.

Through repeated exposure and resistance, the anxiety gradually decreases. Dr. Nelson explains that this process weakens the connection between the trigger and the fear response, likening it to boxing against the disorder. This hands-on experience demonstrates that her fears, while intense, are not insurmountable.

10. Finding Hope and Progress in the Treatment Process

I was just in the same room as a pencil, stared it down in its beady little eyes, and lived to tell the story.

Initial success with ERP, particularly with pencils, brings a powerful sense of hope. Experiencing the anxiety spike and then naturally decrease without resorting to compulsions is a revelation, proving that the feared outcome doesn't occur and the anxiety is temporary.

This tangible progress fuels motivation to continue treatment. The feeling of empowerment from confronting a feared object and winning, even in a small way, provides a stark contrast to the helplessness she felt while controlled by her compulsions.

The possibility of regaining her life becomes real. Seeing that obsessions can lose their power offers a glimpse of returning to normalcy – attending school without a pile of books, wearing regular clothes, interacting with friends and family without constant fear and ritual.

11. The Role of Support, Even When Misunderstood

My mom’s strong hand on my upper arm steadies me.

Despite their initial confusion and frustration, Allison's parents demonstrate persistent concern and support. They notice her struggles, seek professional help, attend appointments, and try to accommodate her behaviors, even when they don't understand them or are met with anger.

Dr. Nelson provides a crucial source of non-judgmental support and guidance. Her calm demeanor, validation of Allison's experience, and belief in her ability to recover build trust and create a safe space for Allison to confront her fears and share her secrets.

The combination of parental love and professional expertise creates a foundation for healing. Even when Allison feels isolated by her disorder, the presence of caring individuals willing to stand by her and guide her through treatment is essential to her journey toward recovery.

Last updated: May 10, 2025