On Grief and Grieving

1. Grief is a natural, personal journey with no set timeline

Grief is not just a series of events, stages, or timelines. Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through the grief.

Grief is unique and ongoing. Each person's grief journey is as individual as their relationship with the lost loved one. There is no "normal" timeframe for grieving, and attempts to rush the process can be harmful. Society often pressures mourners to "move on" quickly, but healing takes time and cannot be forced.

Grief reflects love. The pain of loss is so intense because it mirrors the depth of connection we had with the deceased. Avoiding grief means avoiding the love we shared. Embracing grief, while painful, allows us to honor the relationship and eventually find comfort in our memories.

• Key aspects of grief:
  • Personal and unique to each individual
  • No set timeline or "normal" duration
  • Reflects the depth of love and connection
  • Cannot be rushed or forced
  • May resurface at various times throughout life

2. The five stages of grief are fluid and non-linear

The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.

Stages are not a roadmap. The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are not a linear progression. People may experience these emotions in any order, revisit stages multiple times, or skip some entirely. The stages are tools to help frame and identify feelings, not a prescribed path to follow.

Emotions fluctuate. Grief is messy and unpredictable. A person might feel acceptance one day and plunge back into denial or anger the next. This back-and-forth is normal and does not indicate a lack of progress. The intensity and duration of each stage vary greatly between individuals and even between losses for the same person.

• Misconceptions about the five stages:
  • They occur in a specific order
  • Everyone experiences all five stages
  • Once a stage is "completed," it's never revisited
  • There's a set timeframe for each stage
• Reality of the stages:
  • Fluid and non-linear
  • May overlap or occur simultaneously
  • Can be revisited multiple times
  • Serve as a framework, not a strict guide

3. Anticipatory grief prepares us for impending loss

Anticipatory grief is generally more silent than grief after a loss. We are often not as verbal. It's a grief we keep to ourselves.

Preparing for loss. Anticipatory grief occurs when we know a loss is coming, such as during a terminal illness. It allows us to begin processing the impending death and can help prepare us emotionally. This type of grief is often less openly expressed than post-loss grief.

Complex emotions. Anticipatory grief can involve a mix of emotions, including sadness, anxiety, and even relief. It may include mourning future moments that will never happen, like graduations or weddings. While it can help prepare us, experiencing anticipatory grief doesn't necessarily make post-loss grieving easier or shorter.

• Characteristics of anticipatory grief:
  • Often less openly expressed
  • Can start months or years before the actual loss
  • May involve grieving both present and future losses
  • Can include feelings of guilt or relief
  • Doesn't replace post-loss grieving

4. Denial and anger are protective mechanisms in grief

Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

Denial as a buffer. Denial is often the first stage of grief, acting as a protective buffer against the full impact of the loss. It allows us to absorb the reality of the loss gradually, preventing emotional overwhelm. Denial can manifest as disbelief, shock, or numbness.

Anger as strength. Anger in grief is a natural and necessary stage. It can provide temporary structure to the nothingness of loss and give us something to hold onto when everything feels chaotic. Anger may be directed at the deceased, oneself, others, or even God. Expressing anger can be cathartic and help release pent-up emotions.

• Functions of denial:
  • Protects from emotional overwhelm
  • Allows gradual acceptance of reality
  • Provides time to adjust to the new situation
• Manifestations of anger in grief:
  • Rage at the unfairness of the loss
  • Frustration with well-meaning but unhelpful people
  • Anger at oneself for perceived failures
  • General irritability and short temper

5. Bargaining and depression are part of processing loss

Bargaining can help our mind move from one state of loss to another. It can be a way station that gives our psyche the time it may need to adjust.

Bargaining as transition. The bargaining stage often involves "what if" and "if only" statements. It's an attempt to negotiate our way out of the pain and may involve promises to a higher power. While these thoughts aren't realistic, they serve as a transition between denial and acceptance.

Depression as appropriate response. Depression in grief is a normal and appropriate response to loss. It's not a sign of mental illness but a reflection of the profound sadness experienced. This stage allows us to slow down, reflect on the loss, and begin the process of rebuilding our life without the deceased.

• Common bargaining thoughts:
  • "If only I had insisted on a second opinion..."
  • "What if we had taken that vacation sooner?"
  • "God, I'll be a better person if you bring them back."
• Aspects of grief-related depression:
  • Intense sadness and emptiness
  • Loss of interest in daily activities
  • Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
  • Physical symptoms like fatigue or changes in appetite

6. Acceptance doesn't mean being "okay" with the loss

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being all right or okay with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don't ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one.

Accepting reality. Acceptance in grief doesn't mean happiness or approval of the loss. It means acknowledging the reality that your loved one is physically gone and that this new reality is permanent. It's about learning to live with the loss and finding ways to move forward while still honoring the memory of the deceased.

New normal. Reaching acceptance involves adjusting to a new normal. This might include taking on new roles, reassigning responsibilities, and finding new ways to connect with others. It's a process of reintegration, where you learn to carry your loved one's memory with you as you continue living.

• What acceptance is not:
  • Being "over" the loss
  • Forgetting about the deceased
  • No longer feeling pain
• What acceptance can look like:
  • Adjusting to new roles and responsibilities
  • Finding ways to honor the deceased's memory
  • Engaging in life again, even while missing the loved one
  • Ability to talk about the deceased without being overwhelmed by emotion

7. Grief impacts our inner world, altering beliefs and emotions

Our grief is as individual as our lives.

Emotional landscape. Grief profoundly affects our inner emotional world. It can trigger a wide range of feelings, from sadness and anger to guilt and relief. These emotions may come in waves, varying in intensity and duration. It's common to feel overwhelmed or to experience mood swings as you navigate this new emotional terrain.

Belief systems challenged. Loss often challenges our fundamental beliefs about life, fairness, and meaning. It can shake our sense of security and force us to confront our own mortality. This process may lead to a reevaluation of priorities and values, and potentially, personal growth.

• Common emotional experiences in grief:
  • Intense sadness and longing
  • Anger and irritability
  • Guilt and regret
  • Relief (especially after a long illness)
  • Anxiety and fear
• Ways grief can impact beliefs:
  • Questioning faith or spiritual beliefs
  • Reconsidering life priorities
  • Changing perspective on what's important
  • Developing new understanding of mortality

8. The outer world changes dramatically after a loss

Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are.

Practical challenges. The death of a loved one often brings immediate practical challenges, such as arranging the funeral, dealing with finances, and sorting through possessions. These tasks can feel overwhelming while grieving but can also provide a sense of purpose in the early stages of loss.

Social dynamics shift. Relationships often change after a significant loss. Some friends may not know how to respond and might distance themselves, while others may offer unexpected support. Family dynamics can shift, especially if the deceased played a central role. Navigating these changes while grieving can be challenging.

• Practical considerations after a loss:
  • Funeral arrangements
  • Legal and financial matters
  • Sorting and distributing possessions
• Social changes:
  • Altered family dynamics
  • Changes in friendships
  • Difficulty in social situations
• Challenging times:
  • Holidays and special occasions
  • Anniversaries of the death
  • Milestones the deceased will miss

9. Children grieve differently and need special support

Children are old enough to grieve if they are old enough to love; they are the "forgotten grievers."

Age-appropriate understanding. Children's comprehension of death varies with age and development. Young children may not fully understand the permanence of death, while older children might have more complex questions and emotions. It's crucial to provide honest, age-appropriate explanations and allow children to express their feelings.

Ongoing support. Children may revisit their grief at different developmental stages, needing support long after the initial loss. They might express grief through behavior changes, physical symptoms, or play rather than words. Maintaining routines, offering consistent support, and allowing questions can help children navigate their grief.

• Key points for supporting grieving children:
  • Be honest and use clear, concrete language
  • Allow questions and expressions of emotion
  • Maintain routines and structure
  • Include children in memorial activities if they wish
  • Watch for signs of complicated grief or depression
• Common reactions in grieving children:
  • Regression to earlier behaviors
  • Acting out or withdrawal
  • Physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches)
  • Difficulty concentrating in school
  • Fear of losing other loved ones

10. Sudden deaths and disasters create unique grieving challenges

Disasters are clearly a natural occurrence of nature and the Universe—until they happen to you and your loved ones.

Shock and trauma. Sudden deaths, whether from accidents, violence, or natural disasters, often involve an element of trauma. The shock can delay the onset of grief and complicate the mourning process. Survivors may struggle with feelings of guilt, anger, and a shattered sense of safety in the world.

Public grief. Disasters often involve public mourning and media attention, which can be both supportive and overwhelming. Survivors may feel pressure to grieve in certain ways or to move on quickly. The collective nature of the loss can provide comfort but may also complicate individual grieving processes.

• Unique aspects of sudden death grief:
  • Lack of preparation or goodbyes
  • Potential for survivor's guilt
  • Need to process trauma alongside grief
  • Possible involvement with investigations or legal processes
• Coping with disaster-related grief:
  • Seek trauma-informed grief support
  • Connect with others who've experienced similar losses
  • Be patient with the grieving process
  • Create meaningful memorials or rituals

11. Suicide and prolonged illnesses complicate the grieving process

Grief over a loved one's suicide is its own type of grief. There is a sense of guilt and anger, but also shame.

Suicide grief. Losing someone to suicide brings unique challenges, including intense feelings of guilt, anger, and shame. Survivors often struggle with unanswerable questions and societal stigma. Support groups specifically for suicide loss can be particularly helpful.

Prolonged illness grief. Grief following a long illness, such as Alzheimer's, can

Last updated: October 22, 2024