On Kindness

1. Kindness is a Forbidden Pleasure in Modern Society

Kindness, we will argue in this book—not sexuality, not violence, not money—has become our forbidden pleasure.

Astonishment at Kindness. In contemporary society, acts of kindness often elicit surprise, as if they are deviations from the norm. Media coverage highlights instances of generosity as exceptional, reinforcing the perception that self-focused behavior is more typical. This astonishment reveals a deep-seated belief that humans are inherently selfish, making genuine kindness seem almost unbelievable.

The Corny Factor. Stories about kindness are often presented in a trivializing or sentimental manner, further diminishing their significance. This trivialization reflects a broader cultural discomfort with genuine displays of empathy and compassion. The media often portrays kindness as naive or unrealistic, contributing to the perception that it is out of touch with the "real world."

Reclaiming Kindness. The authors argue that kindness, not sexuality or wealth, has become a forbidden pleasure in modern society. This is because kindness requires vulnerability and a willingness to connect with others, qualities that are often discouraged in a culture that prioritizes independence and self-reliance. Reclaiming kindness involves challenging the prevailing cynicism and recognizing the inherent value of empathy and compassion.

2. Historical Perspectives: Kindness as Kinship and Caritas

Kindness’s original meaning of kinship or sameness has stretched over time to encompass sentiments that today go by a wide variety of names—sympathy, generosity, altruism, benevolence, humanity, compassion, pity, empathy—and that in the past were known by other terms as well, notably philanthropia (love of mankind) and caritas (neighborly or brotherly love).

From Kinship to Compassion. The concept of kindness has evolved significantly throughout history. Originally rooted in kinship and shared identity, it has expanded to encompass a broader range of sentiments, including sympathy, generosity, and compassion. This evolution reflects a growing recognition of the interconnectedness of humanity.

Classical Ideals. Ancient philosophers, particularly the Stoics, emphasized the importance of kindness as a virtue. They believed that humans are naturally social beings with a capacity for empathy and compassion. Marcus Aurelius, for example, declared kindness as mankind's "greatest delight," highlighting its intrinsic value.

Christian Caritas. Christianity played a pivotal role in shaping Western attitudes toward kindness. The concept of caritas, or brotherly love, became a cornerstone of Christian ethics, emphasizing the importance of selfless service and compassion for others. This emphasis on caritas helped to foster a sense of community and social responsibility.

3. The Rise of Individualism and the Decline of Kindness

For most of Western history the dominant tradition of kindness has been Christianity, which sacralizes people’s generous instincts and makes them the basis of a universalist faith.

The Christian Foundation. For centuries, Christian caritas served as a cultural cement, binding individuals into society. The Christian rule "love thy neighbor as thyself" provided a moral framework for social interaction and emphasized the importance of empathy and compassion. This framework helped to foster a sense of community and shared responsibility.

The Hobbesian Shift. From the sixteenth century onward, the Christian emphasis on kindness came under increasing attack from competitive individualism. Thomas Hobbes's Leviathan (1651) dismissed Christian kindness as a psychological absurdity, arguing that humans are inherently selfish and motivated solely by self-interest. This marked a significant shift in Western thought.

The Modern Predicament. Two centuries later, Hobbes's view has become the dominant perspective. Kindly behavior is often viewed with suspicion, and public espousals of kindness are dismissed as moralistic or sentimental. This cynicism reflects a deep-seated belief that self-interest is the primary driver of human behavior, making genuine kindness seem almost impossible.

4. Psychoanalysis: Unpacking the Fear of Kindness

Psychoanalysis adds a link between the fate of kindness and sexuality, and through the consideration of sexuality provides a revised account of human aggression.

Kindness and Sexuality. Psychoanalysis explores the complex relationship between kindness and sexuality. It suggests that the very thing that draws people together (sexual desire) can also generate insupportable rivalries and antagonisms, making love and kindness casualties. This perspective highlights the inherent challenges of human connection.

The Fear of Kindness. Psychoanalysis delves into the reasons why people might resist their own kindness and the kindness of others. It suggests that fellow feeling, our imaginative capacity to identify with other people, may be the aspect of ourselves that we find the most disturbing. This fear stems from the vulnerability and potential for disappointment that come with genuine connection.

Beyond Moral Obligation. Psychoanalysis distinguishes between kindness as a moral obligation and kindness as a desire. When kindness is perceived as a duty, it can feel forced and inauthentic. However, when kindness arises from a genuine desire to connect with others, it becomes an irresistible force.

5. The Paradox of Kindness: Love, Hate, and Human Connection

Real kindness is an exchange with essentially unpredictable consequences.

Ambivalence and Jealousy. Human beings are profoundly ambivalent creatures, capable of both great kindness and great cruelty. Sexual jealousy, in particular, exposes the precariousness of our kindness, revealing how easily generosity can be undone by betrayal. This ambivalence highlights the inherent complexity of human relationships.

The Roots of Cruelty. Cruelty often stems from a desire to secure our emotional survival. The fundamental threat to our well-being is the loss of love, the threatened or actual loss of what our lives depend upon. Much of our cruelty is an attempt to restore or recover a state of things before this catastrophic disillusionment.

Kindness and Aggression. Psychoanalysis suggests that aggression can be a form of kindness. When aggression isn't driven by envy or revenge, it can contain the wish for a more intimate exchange, a profounder, more unsettling connection between people. This perspective challenges the traditional view of aggression as purely destructive.

6. The Kindness Instinct: Nature vs. Nurture

We have been in the habit of regarding the connection between the sexual instinct and the sexual object as more intimate than it in fact is.

The Child's Tenderness. Modern adults often view children's tenderness and natural kindness with suspicion. This suspicion reflects a broader cultural anxiety about the possibility of genuine kindness in a society that often seems to discourage it. Childhood has become the last bastion of kindness, the last place where we may find more love in the world than there appears to be.

Kindness as a Bribe. Small children often use kindness as a way to ensure that their parents meet their needs. They wish to save their parents from everything that makes them unhappy, from anything that might interfere with their caretaking. This kindness begins as a magical rescue or cure that invariably fails.

From Magical to Genuine. Out of the failure of magical kindness, genuine kindness can emerge. However, parents who recruit the child to save themselves, who punish the child when she cannot make the world a good place for them, may destroy the child’s belief in kindness. A society that romanticizes kindness, that regards it as a virtue so difficult to sustain that only the magically good can manage it, destroys people’s faith in real or ordinary kindness.

7. Modern Kindness: Reclaiming Fellow Feeling in a Selfish World

A sign of health in the mind is the ability of one individual to enter imaginatively and accurately into the thoughts and feelings and hopes and fears of another person; also to allow the other person to do the same to us.

The Illusion of Independence. Modern Western society often resists the fundamental truth that we are all dependent creatures. It values independence above all things, perceiving the need for others as a weakness. This emphasis on self-sufficiency can lead to a denial of our shared humanity.

The Welfare State Vision. The Beveridge/Tawney/Titmuss vision of a kindly society, with its emphasis on universal well-being and social responsibility, has been largely eroded in recent decades. Competitive individualism has become the ruling consensus, and the taboo surrounding dependency has grown stronger.

Beyond Customer Service. The commodification of care, with its emphasis on "empathy audits" and "compassion indexes," reflects a superficial understanding of kindness. Genuine kindness cannot be manufactured or imposed; it must arise from a genuine desire to connect with others and alleviate their suffering.

8. The Role of Vulnerability in Cultivating Kindness

Everybody is vulnerable at every stage of their lives; everybody is subject to illness, accident, personal tragedy, political and economic reality.

Shared Vulnerability. What we have in common is our vulnerability; it is the medium of contact between us, what we most fundamentally recognize in each other. Before we are sexual creatures, we are vulnerable creatures; indeed, the strength of our desires derives from our original helplessness and dependence.

The Trauma of Concern. The child's first, formative trauma is his growing acknowledgment of his need for others. The needy child experiences a trauma of concern ("How can I take care of my mother to ensure that she takes care of me?"), which calls up his natural kindness.

Turning Away from Kindness. This concern, and the later forms of kindness that emerge from it, is too easily turned away from. This turning away we call self-sufficiency, and when we want to pathologize it, we call it narcissism. The pleasure of kindness is that it connects us with others; but the terror of kindness is that it makes us too immediately aware of our own and other people’s vulnerabilities.

9. Beyond Sentimentality: A Robust Vision of Kindness

It is kind to see people as they are and not as one would like them to be.

Kindness and Hatred. It is only through hatred that relations between people move out of fantasy and into reality, into the possibility of actual exchange. Real kindness, real fellow feeling, entails hating and being hated—that is, really feeling available frustrations—and through this, coming to a more realistic relationship.

The Dangers of Sentimentality. Sentimentality is cruelty by other means. False, or magical, kindness distorts our perceptions of other people, often by sentimentalizing them, to avoid conflict. Sentimentality is a way of avoiding the difficult realities of human connection.

A Robust Kindness. A more robust version of kindness is made possible through frustration and hatred rather than a kindness organized to repudiate such feelings. Kindness of this variety allows for ambivalence and conflict while false, or magical, kindness distorts our perceptions of other people, often by sentimentalizing them, to avoid conflict.

Last updated: March 20, 2025