Running on Empty

1. Emotional Neglect: The Invisible Force Shaping Our Lives

Emotional Neglect is not about what did happen in your childhood, but what didn't happen.

The unseen impact. Emotional Neglect occurs when parents fail to respond adequately to their children's emotional needs. Unlike physical neglect or abuse, it's characterized by the absence of emotional connection and support. This invisible force can profoundly shape a person's life, often without their awareness.

Manifestations in adulthood. Adults who experienced Emotional Neglect may struggle with:

• Feelings of emptiness or numbness
• Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions
• Low self-esteem and self-doubt
• Struggles with self-discipline and self-care
• Tendency to be overly self-reliant or counter-dependent

Understanding Emotional Neglect is crucial for recognizing its effects and taking steps to heal. It's not about blaming parents, but rather understanding how past experiences shape present behaviors and emotions.

2. Recognizing the Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect

Children who are not emotionally nurtured can grow up to have a great deal of difficulty providing emotional nurturance to others.

Childhood indicators. Signs of Emotional Neglect in childhood may include:

• Feeling invisible or unimportant
• Lack of guidance in managing emotions
• Absence of affection or emotional support
• Parental disinterest in the child's emotional experiences
• Expectations to be self-sufficient at an early age

Adult manifestations. In adulthood, the effects of Emotional Neglect often appear as:

• Difficulty trusting or relying on others
• Feelings of being fundamentally different or flawed
• Chronic self-doubt and harsh self-criticism
• Struggles with intimate relationships
• Tendency to minimize or dismiss one's own emotions

Recognizing these signs is the first step towards healing. It's important to understand that these feelings and behaviors are not inherent flaws, but rather learned responses to childhood experiences.

3. The Twelve Types of Emotionally Neglectful Parents

What harms children of functional, addicted parents is this: they are behaving like two people. And the child cannot always predict which side of her addicted parent is going to show up.

Understanding parental patterns. The book identifies twelve types of emotionally neglectful parents:

1. The Narcissistic Parent
2. The Authoritarian Parent
3. The Permissive Parent
4. The Bereaved Parent
5. The Addicted Parent
6. The Depressed Parent
7. The Workaholic Parent
8. The Parent with a Special Needs Family Member
9. The Achievement/Perfection Focused Parent
10. The Sociopathic Parent
11. Child as Parent
12. The Well-Meaning-but-Neglected-Themselves Parent

Impact on children. Each type of parent creates unique challenges for their children. For instance:

• Narcissistic parents may use their children as extensions of themselves
• Authoritarian parents may stifle emotional expression
• Permissive parents may fail to provide necessary structure and guidance

Understanding these patterns can help adults identify the specific ways in which they were emotionally neglected and begin to address the resulting issues.

4. Adult Consequences of Childhood Emotional Neglect

The fuel of life is feeling. If we're not filled up in childhood, we must fill ourselves as adults. Otherwise, we will find ourselves running on empty.

Emotional and behavioral impacts. Adults who experienced Emotional Neglect often struggle with:

• Alexithymia (difficulty identifying and describing emotions)
• Counter-dependence (excessive self-reliance)
• Unrealistic self-appraisal
• Lack of self-compassion
• Chronic feelings of emptiness or numbness

Relationship challenges. These adults may experience:

• Difficulty forming deep, meaningful relationships
• Fear of vulnerability and intimacy
• Tendency to either avoid conflict or become overly accommodating
• Struggles with setting boundaries and expressing needs

Understanding these consequences is crucial for healing. It allows individuals to recognize that their struggles are not personal failings, but rather the result of childhood experiences. This awareness can be the first step towards developing healthier emotional patterns and relationships.

5. Overcoming Emptiness and Building Self-Awareness

Emotions that are not acknowledged or expressed tend to jumble together and emerge as anger.

Emotional awareness. Developing emotional awareness is crucial for overcoming the effects of Emotional Neglect. This involves:

• Learning to identify and name emotions
• Understanding the purpose and value of different emotions
• Practicing self-monitoring of emotional states

Self-discovery techniques. Strategies for building self-awareness include:

• Keeping a feelings journal
• Using the "Identifying and Naming Exercise" regularly
• Practicing mindfulness and meditation
• Seeking therapy or counseling for guided introspection

Building emotional awareness and self-understanding is a gradual process. It requires patience and persistence but can lead to significant improvements in emotional well-being and relationships.

6. Developing Self-Care and Emotional Intelligence

The more you care about yourself, love yourself, understand yourself, and value your emotional self, the more you'll care, love, understand and value your children and their emotions.

Self-care essentials. Key aspects of self-care include:

• Learning to prioritize personal needs and enjoyment
• Developing healthy eating and exercise habits
• Practicing self-soothing techniques
• Cultivating self-compassion

Emotional intelligence growth. To develop emotional intelligence:

• Practice identifying emotions in yourself and others
• Learn to express emotions assertively and with compassion
• Develop active listening skills
• Use "vertical questioning" to deepen emotional understanding in conversations

Developing these skills can lead to improved relationships, better mental health, and a greater sense of fulfillment. It's about learning to treat oneself with the same care and consideration one would offer to a loved one.

7. Breaking the Cycle: Nurturing Emotional Health in Your Children

Do unto your child as you wish your parents had done unto you.

Parental awareness. To break the cycle of Emotional Neglect:

• Recognize and address your own emotional neglect issues
• Be attentive to your child's emotional needs
• Validate and accept your child's emotions, even when you disagree

Nurturing emotional health. Strategies for emotionally attuned parenting include:

• Regularly expressing affection and enjoyment of your child
• Teaching emotional vocabulary and awareness
• Providing structure and clear, age-appropriate rules
• Balancing discipline with emotional support
• Modeling healthy emotional expression and self-care

Breaking the cycle requires conscious effort and often involves healing one's own emotional wounds. However, the rewards of raising emotionally healthy children are immeasurable, both for the children and for the parent's own continued growth and healing.

Last updated: January 23, 2025