On My Own

1. Cultural Shame Makes Women Fear Being Alone

The famous scarlet letter A that once stood for Adultery might now be said to stand for Alone.

Deep-seated fear. Many women, regardless of their external accomplishments, harbor a hidden fear of aloneness, viewing it not as potential liberty but as alienation and a sign of inherent flaw or failure. This fear is deeply rooted in a cultural history that has defined women primarily in relation to men, treating them as second-class citizens unless under male protection. The pervasive message is that a woman alone is statusless and undesirable.

Economic reality adds weight. While the fear is psychological, it's compounded by the real economic vulnerability of single women. Statistics show significantly higher poverty rates for single women, single mothers, and older women living alone compared to married women. This reality fuels the fear-based fantasies of becoming destitute if left without a male provider.

Internalized bias. This cultural bias leads women to gauge their desires by male standards and ask "Who does he want me to be?" instead of "Who am I?" The fear of aloneness becomes a hidden determinant, driving neediness and dependency, often keeping women in unfulfilling relationships or rushing into new ones to avoid the perceived shame of being unwanted.

2. Aloneness is Not Loneliness; It's a State of Self-Presence

What the dictionary definition of aloneness does not make clear is the essential distinction between loneliness and aloneness: that to be “apart from others” means to be in the presence of oneself.

Understanding the difference. Aloneness is a neutral, interior state of being apart from others, while loneliness is a painful feeling of wanting connection when none is available. While loneliness can be a part of the human condition and may color the experience of aloneness, aloneness itself is fundamentally about being present with one's self.

Cultural conditioning. From childhood, aloneness is often used as a punishment ("go to your room"), conditioning us to associate it with fault, unworthiness, and isolation. This early association makes it difficult for women to embrace aloneness later in life, often leading to self-denigrating feelings and a fear of confronting one's inner self.

Opportunity for growth. Despite the initial discomfort, aloneness offers a vast spectrum of experience, from the pain of isolation to the richness of solitude. The goal is to move towards solitude, which provides the space for self-understanding, self-expression, and harvesting inner resources, transforming aloneness from a feared state into a dynamic opportunity.

3. Childhood Experiences Shape Our Capacity for Aloneness

Childhood is where many of us parked our sense of freedom.

Awakening of self. Childhood is marked by moments of "awakening" where a girl first realizes her unique self, distinct from others. These moments often occur in solitude and offer a glimpse of her potentiality and inner life, like Natalie noticing her legs or the author observing a maple leaf.

Protecting the private self. This budding self needs protection. However, childhood woundings—neglect, betrayal, shaming, loss—can drive the self into hiding. Girls learn to rein themselves in, becoming "good girls" or developing false selves to gain acceptance, losing touch with their spontaneous, fearless "thing-finder" energy.

Unseen suffering. The loss of this core self often goes undetected, even by parents. Children suffer in silence, internalizing blame for painful experiences. This unacknowledged distress can manifest later as anxiety, depression, or a deep-seated feeling of being unseen and unworthy, making the prospect of being alone terrifying.

4. Adolescence: Navigating Identity in the Hall of Mirrors

Just when we need it most, the steadying hand of reassurance loses its grip.

Flux and vulnerability. Adolescence is a tumultuous period of rapid change, both physically and emotionally. Girls are highly vulnerable, caught between the desire for independence and the need for parental approval, while navigating new social pressures and biological changes.

External validation. The adolescent girl relies heavily on external "mirrors"—peer opinions, parental reactions, media images—to define herself. Preoccupied with how she appears to others, she often loses touch with her inner self, leading to fluctuating self-esteem and a constant questioning of whether she is "enough."

Performance vs. self. This pressure to fit in and be liked can lead to "performance"—behaving in ways that constrict the self to please others—rather than authentic "playacting" or experimentation. This focus on external validation can carry into adulthood, making it difficult for women to trust their own judgment and value themselves independently of others' opinions.

5. Parental Relationships Deeply Impact a Woman's Self-Worth

A mother’s unlived life can cause great suffering to her daughter: one way or another, she will expect her daughter to make up for her sense of lack.

Mother-daughter dynamic. The relationship with the mother is crucial for a girl's developing sense of self. The process of separation and identification is complex; a mother's inability to see her daughter as a separate person, or her own unresolved needs and resentments (like envy or unlived dreams), can diminish the daughter's self-worth and capacity for autonomy.

Father-daughter bond. Fathers also play a vital role, offering a different kind of identification. A supportive father who sees his daughter as capable and encourages her assertiveness helps her claim "male" qualities like worldly action. Conversely, an emotionally absent, critical, or intrusive father can leave a daughter feeling devalued, leading to abandonment fears and a tendency to seek validation from men who resemble the disappointing father figure.

Legacy of unmet needs. Unloving or neglectful parental relationships create a void that women may try to fill with external validation or harmful behaviors. Lacking good nurturing, they struggle to nurture themselves and fear the emptiness of aloneness, which reminds them of their unmet childhood needs.

6. Stepping Out: Accepting and Transitioning into Aloneness

Happiness and fear in these beginning stages of aloneness are normal and natural; indeed, they are a necessary stage of our journey.

Facing the inevitable. Life transitions—divorce, widowhood, breakups, children leaving home—often thrust women into aloneness, whether chosen or not. These moments can be terrifying, stripping away familiar roles and securities, forcing a confrontation with the self.

Grieving loss. Ending a significant relationship, even a bad one, involves grieving not just the person but the lost expectations, social status, and financial security. This period is marked by pain, self-blame, and fear, making it hard to imagine a positive future alone.

Incremental change. Transitioning into aloneness and building a new life is not a sudden event but an incremental process requiring patience and persistence. It involves confronting fears, challenging old biases ("aloneness equals misery"), and making conscious choices, however small, that prioritize one's own needs and desires.

7. Befriending Aloneness Leads to Self-Possession and Integrity

Befriending aloneness, we learn the creative potential of solitude, wherein we can recover, reclaim, and learn to express self.

Internal reorganization. Facing aloneness necessitates a major internal shift. By accepting this state rather than running from it, women can begin to reorganize their inner lives, moving from confusion and fear towards clarity and strength.

Reclaiming the self. The self, often driven into hiding by shame and vulnerability, can emerge in the space of aloneness. This process involves acknowledging painful feelings and "tender things" carried inside, allowing the self to assume its true dimensions and recover its integrity.

Self-blessing. A crucial step is self-blessing—an act of reverence and acceptance of one's own being, including wounds. This internal validation, sometimes aided by external support, empowers a woman to stand on her own, no longer defined by external opinions or past hurts.

8. Solitude Nurtures Creative Living and Personal Meaning

"Creative living”—as Winnicott termed it—does not mean only the creative life of the artist.

Beyond isolation. Solitude is the positive end of the aloneness spectrum, a state of plenitude and inner quiet distinct from lonely isolation. It's a sanctuary for the self, offering peace, rest, and space for reflection and growth.

Cultivating presence. Entering solitude requires conscious intention and practice. It's an active state where we can quiet the "chattering mind," tune into our inner voice, and engage with the present moment, whether through formal meditation, creative pursuits, or simple acts like puttering.

Meaning in the ordinary. Solitude helps us discover meaning not just in grand achievements but in the "ordinary" moments of life. It allows us to see the world intuitively, appreciate small experiences, and connect with the creative impulse that resides within us, making life feel rich and meaningful.

9. Finding the Sacred Within Aloneness and Everyday Life

To set ourselves apart and move into aloneness suggests that we have come a great distance from the needs or desires that otherwise occupy us, and which may have, in fact, kept us from experiencing the many satisfactions and privileges of aloneness.

Spiritual longing. Aloneness, particularly in the form of solitude, can open the door to a deeper search for meaning and connection to something larger than the self—the sacred. This longing is inherent but often obscured by the demands and distractions of daily life and the ego's hunger.

Transcendent experience. The sacred can be found in various ways: in nature, through spiritual practices (meditation, prayer, ritual), or in moments of heightened awareness. These experiences lift us out of self-absorption, offering a sense of spaciousness, peace, and connection to a transcendent reality.

Integrating the sacred. The goal is not to remain in isolated spiritual states but to integrate the insights gained in solitude into everyday life. This allows us to see the holiness in the ordinary, live with greater awareness, and bring a sense of peace and purpose to our interactions with the world.

10. Self-Possession Enhances the Capacity for Genuine Relationships

To accept aloneness offers a welcome paradox, inasmuch as it enhances our potential for relationships that are neither fear-based nor, in a literal sense, self-depriving or, worse, self-defeating.

Foundation of self. A strong, self-possessed self is the foundation for healthy relationships. When women befriend aloneness and cultivate their inner resources, they approach relationships from a place of wholeness, not neediness or a desire to be "completed" by another person.

Authentic connection. Relationships built on self-sovereignty allow for genuine connection between two autonomous individuals who appreciate each other as they are. This contrasts with relationships driven by fear of abandonment or a need to fill an inner void, which often lead to projection, disappointment, and conflict.

Choosing wisely. Women who are comfortable being alone are less likely to settle for unfulfilling relationships or rush into new ones out of desperation. They can make choices based on genuine compatibility and mutual respect, rather than clinging to someone out of fear of being alone.

11. Community, Friends, and Mentors are Essential Supports

The art of being a woman alone is founded on a contradiction: to exist alone successfully, we need the solid bracing of friends, mentors, and community.

Vital connections. While solitude is crucial for self-discovery, women alone thrive best when supported by meaningful connections with others. Friends, chosen family, mentors, and community provide validation, emotional support, practical help, and a sense of belonging.

Shared experience. Women's friendships, in particular, offer a unique space for empathy, understanding, and mutual support, often characterized by "emotional body level sharing." Sharing stories and experiences with other women facing similar challenges helps normalize feelings and provides strength.

Guidance and inspiration. Mentors and role models offer guidance, inspiration, and a vision of what is possible. Seeing other women who have navigated aloneness and lived fulfilling lives provides courage and a roadmap for one's own journey, reminding women that they are not alone in their struggles or their potential.

Last updated: April 29, 2025