People Games

1. Recognize the prevalence of mind games and power plays in daily interactions

"Not having working knowledge of power plays and mind games is in a way, like going through life as a 'blind' person."

Mind games are everywhere. From personal relationships to professional settings, power plays and mind games are constantly at play. These manipulative tactics can be subtle or overt, intentional or subconscious. Being aware of their existence is the first step in protecting yourself from their negative effects.

Recognizing red flags. Some signs that you may be subjected to power plays include:

• Acting inconsistently with your own values or desires
• Feeling resentment after going along with others' wishes
• Avoiding confrontation or difficult topics with certain people
• Seeking permission or validation unnecessarily
• Being treated poorly in various contexts
• Dealing with people who frequently break promises

Understanding these indicators empowers you to identify potentially manipulative situations and take appropriate action to maintain your autonomy and well-being.

2. Understand the dominance-submission dynamic as the foundation of many power plays

"In all instances of the dominance/submission power play, one person is trying to establish him or herself as the leader (the dominant) of the relationship and the other person as the follower (the submissive)."

The core of power dynamics. Many power plays stem from an attempt to establish a dominant-submissive relationship. This dynamic can manifest in various ways, such as demanding justification for your actions or constantly questioning your decisions.

Asserting equality. To counter this power play:

• Avoid being defensive or justifying yourself unnecessarily
• Respond with phrases like "You must have me mistaken for someone who cares"
• Refuse to comply with unreasonable demands
• Only act on your own volition, not because someone else wants you to

Remember that in most relationships, barring specific professional or familial contexts, you should strive for equality rather than submitting to unwarranted dominance.

3. Identify and deflect emotional blackmail to maintain healthy relationships

"Instead of making straightforward requests, they prey on the other person's emotions in order to 'blackmail' them into doing something they probably don't want to do."

Recognizing emotional manipulation. Emotional blackmail often involves extreme or unrelated statements to compel compliance. A common example is the phrase "If you love me, you will do this for me." This tactic creates false choices and puts undue pressure on the recipient.

Countering emotional blackmail:

• Recognize that love and specific actions are not necessarily related
• Develop multiple sources of emotional support to reduce vulnerability
• Respond with statements like "I love you, but that has nothing to do with whether I should do this for you"
• Make decisions based on your own values and judgment, not guilt or fear

By identifying and deflecting emotional blackmail, you can maintain healthier, more balanced relationships built on mutual respect rather than manipulation.

4. Avoid falling into the trap of trying to win unwinnable games

"Some people find fault like there's a reward for it."

The "You Can't Win" game. This power play involves consistently finding fault with your actions, no matter what you do. The perpetrator establishes themselves as the arbiter of correctness, while the victim becomes trapped in a cycle of seeking validation and working harder to please.

Breaking free from the cycle:

• Objectively evaluate whether others' expectations of you are reasonable
• Accept that you cannot "win" with someone playing this game
• Resist the urge to appease or seek validation from the perpetrator
• Set your own standards and expectations
• Be content with not meeting unreasonable demands

Remember that your worth is not determined by others' arbitrary judgments. Focus on your own growth and satisfaction rather than trying to win an unwinnable game.

5. Reject guilt and obligation as motivators for decision-making

"Give up guilt, obligation, or fear of being seen as selfish as guiding emotions for your life."

The "You Owe Me" trap. This power play leverages past favors or vague concepts like family loyalty to extract compliance. It can be used by parents, friends, or colleagues to manipulate you into doing things against your better judgment.

Making decisions on your own terms:

• Recognize attempts to use guilt or obligation as leverage
• Only help others when it creates a win-win scenario
• Remember that past favors don't obligate you to future actions
• Make choices based on your current values and circumstances, not past debts

By rejecting guilt and obligation as primary motivators, you free yourself to make decisions that align with your true values and best interests.

6. Maintain self-confidence in the face of doubt-inducing tactics

"You don't need someone's permission to do what you want to do in life."

The "Be Realistic" game. This power play attempts to undermine your confidence and ambitions by questioning your abilities or instilling doubt. It may come from well-meaning individuals or those who want to keep you from outshining them.

Staying confident in your pursuits:

• Trust your own decisions and abilities
• Recognize that you don't need to be an expert to start something new
• Understand that doubt-inducing comments often stem from others' insecurities
• Focus on your own growth and learning process
• Surround yourself with supportive individuals who encourage your aspirations

Remember that many successful people started as beginners. Don't let others' doubts prevent you from pursuing your goals and dreams.

7. Respond effectively to passive-aggressive behaviors like playing dumb or victimhood

"Playing dumb is a very strategic way to get people to reveal their thinking over a given subject, which allows the other person to poke holes in their arguments."

Recognizing passive power plays. Tactics like "playing dumb" or "playing the victim" are subtle yet powerful ways to manipulate situations. These behaviors can be used to avoid responsibility, extract information, or gain sympathy.

Countering passive-aggressive tactics:

• For "playing dumb": Patiently reiterate your point without revealing additional information
• For "playing the victim": Avoid acting out of guilt or pity
• Maintain emotional detachment and focus on authentic interactions
• Call out the behavior subtly: "It might be food coma, so let me go over it again slowly"
• Develop a filter for distinguishing genuine need from manipulation

By recognizing and responding effectively to these passive-aggressive behaviors, you can maintain more honest and balanced interactions.

8. Stay focused on your original concerns when others try to change the subject

"The truth is that in verbal confrontations, whoever defines the terms of the confrontation has a much stronger chance of controlling the outcome of the confrontation."

The power of framing. When someone changes the subject, they're attempting to redefine the terms of the discussion and avoid addressing your concerns. This tactic can be accompanied by distracting behaviors like yelling or gesturing.

Maintaining focus:

• Recognize attempts to change the subject
• Calmly but firmly bring the conversation back to your original point
• Use phrases like "We can discuss that later, but right now we need to address..."
• Don't get sidetracked by emotional outbursts or irrelevant topics
• If necessary, explicitly call out the behavior: "It seems like my concerns are being ignored"

By staying focused on your original concerns, you maintain control of the conversation and increase the likelihood of addressing your issues effectively.

9. Assert your desires without falling prey to logical intimidation

"You don't need to justify or prove your desires and requests."

The "Logic Shield" tactic. This power play involves using seemingly logical arguments to undermine your personal desires or needs. It attempts to force you to justify your wants based on external criteria rather than your own preferences.

Asserting your desires:

• Recognize that not everything needs a logical justification
• Understand that your wants are valid simply because you want them
• Refuse invitations to engage in unnecessary logical debates about your preferences
• Use statements like "I understand your points, but this is what I want"
• Remember that it's okay to want something different from others

By asserting your desires without feeling compelled to logically justify them, you maintain your autonomy and prevent others from controlling your choices through false logic.

10. Recognize and counter aggressive intimidation tactics

"Literally call out the behavior and demand it be negated."

Identifying intimidation. Aggressive tactics can include yelling, speaking too fast, using intimidating tones, interruptions, insults, or physical gestures. These behaviors are designed to overwhelm and pressure you into compliance.

Countering intimidation:

• Remain calm and composed in the face of aggression
• Explicitly name the behavior: "You're yelling and speaking too fast"
• Set clear boundaries: "We can continue this conversation when you speak calmly"
• If necessary, physically remove yourself from the situation
• In business contexts, insist on clear, understandable communication

By recognizing and calmly addressing intimidation tactics, you maintain your ground and prevent others from manipulating you through aggression.

11. Develop a framework for handling any power play or mind game

"The best response is somewhere in between the two polar extremes of escalation/retaliation and submission/silence which I call 'deflecting'."

A structured approach. Dealing with power plays effectively requires a systematic method. This framework helps you navigate various situations consistently.

The power play response framework:

1. Recognize: Identify if a power play is occurring
2. Assess: Determine if a response is necessary
3. Deflect: Use the "call out" technique to address the behavior
4. Re-assess: Evaluate if the offending behavior has stopped
5. Extricate: If necessary, remove yourself from the interaction

The "call out" formula:

1. Opportunity to save face: "I could be wrong, but..."
2. Accusation: Name the behavior directly or indirectly
3. Demand to stop: Clearly state your expectation for the behavior to cease

By applying this framework and the "call out" formula, you can effectively handle a wide range of power plays and mind games, maintaining your autonomy and promoting more honest, respectful interactions.

Last updated: July 31, 2024