People-Reading

1. Unaware control: The hidden power of unconscious communication

We do indeed control others as if by magic. We get the results we wish for, often without asking overtly for them and sometimes even without taking responsibility for them.

Unconscious manipulation. People constantly influence each other through subtle, nonverbal cues and behaviors they're not aware of. This "unaware control" is more powerful and common than conscious manipulation because it's perfectly convincing and escapes responsibility.

Compromise behaviors. These unconscious communications often represent compromises between conflicting needs and motivations. They allow people to satisfy hidden desires while maintaining a consistent self-image. For example, a person might unconsciously sabotage their own success to avoid feeling like they've "sold out" their integrity.

Feedback loop. Unaware control operates through a feedback circuit where the manipulator unconsciously adjusts their behavior based on the responses they elicit from others. This creates a self-reinforcing pattern of interaction that can be difficult to break without becoming aware of it.

2. Listening: The art of decoding subtle messages and patterns

We listen for descriptions as a clue, but what we are really interested in is the discrepancy itself.

Active engagement. True listening requires disengaging from one's own emotional reactions and expectations. It involves focusing on patterns, consequences, and discrepancies between what's said and what's done, rather than taking words at face value.

Consequences over logic. To understand unconscious messages, listen for the effects of behavior rather than trying to logically interpret words. Pay attention to how you and others feel and react in response to someone's actions.

Discordance as a key. Look for inconsistencies between a person's stated intentions and their actual behavior. These discrepancies often reveal important compromises between conflicting motivations and can provide insight into hidden needs and desires.

3. Changing behavior: Unexpected responses and providing space for growth

The only way to influence behavior that the manipulator himself is not yet aware of is to feed back information along the same channel that he is using to influence us.

Breaking patterns. To change someone's unconscious behavior, disrupt their expectations by responding in an unexpected way. This creates uncertainty and motivates them to explore new strategies.

Asocial responses. Effective unexpected responses are supportive and non-threatening, but avoid going along with the person's anticipated reaction. This neutralizes their manipulation without putting them on the defensive.

Space for change. After delivering an unexpected response, provide a safe, non-judgmental environment for the person to experiment with new behaviors. This allows them to consolidate changes without fear of negative consequences.

4. Relabeling: Transforming perceptions and attitudes

To discover a new label for an established behavior is not easy, but if the attempt is successful, it leads to a changed perception of it—a change in attitude and a reshuffling of priorities.

Power of labels. The way we label our experiences and behaviors profoundly affects our perceptions and actions. Changing a label can transform our entire attitude towards a situation.

Reframing. Relabeling involves looking at familiar behaviors or situations from a new perspective. This can open up new possibilities for change and growth.

Ripple effect. When we change how we label our own behavior, it affects how others perceive and respond to us. This can create a positive feedback loop that reinforces the new perception and facilitates lasting change.

5. Family dynamics: Coalitions, roles, and the power of listening

Listening to a son or daughter can be a most rewarding enterprise. As a child grows into and through adolescence, one of his great needs is for a listener—a resource person, not a controller or critic or promoter of old, established ideas.

Coalitions and roles. Families often develop fixed patterns of interaction, including coalitions and assigned roles. These can become rigid and limit individual growth if not recognized and addressed.

Parental listening. Parents can become valuable resources for their children by learning to listen without judgment or immediate advice-giving. This creates a safe space for exploration and self-discovery.

Challenging assumptions. Effective family communication involves recognizing and questioning preconceived notions about family members' capabilities and motivations. This allows for new possibilities and growth.

6. Depression and suicide: Communicative aspects of self-destructive behaviors

Depression, like schizophrenia, comes more easily to some people than to others, and there may be a genetic or an organic basis. At the same time, a predisposition is not sufficient cause. We also need experiences to activate this unfortunate facility.

Hidden aggression. Depression and suicidal behavior often contain elements of hidden aggression towards others or oneself. They can be ways of punishing others or expressing anger that can't be acknowledged directly.

Cry for help. Suicidal behavior is frequently a desperate attempt to communicate deep needs and elicit care from others. It's important to take such communications seriously while avoiding reinforcing the behavior.

Compromise solution. Depression can serve as a compromise between conflicting needs, such as the desire for care and the fear of vulnerability. Understanding this can help in finding more constructive ways to meet these needs.

7. Addiction: The rewards and messages behind substance abuse

The smoke abuser clings to a pleasure he knows to be dangerous, and perhaps it is this discordant message, this psychological compromise, which coerces him to stay with it.

Psychological function. Addictive behaviors often serve important psychological functions beyond the immediate effects of the substance. They can be ways of maintaining a sense of control, rebellion, or identity.

Discordant messages. The conflict between knowing a behavior is harmful and continuing to engage in it can itself be rewarding. It allows the person to feel they're living dangerously or rebelling against societal norms.

Shifting responsibility. Addiction provides an alibi for behavior, allowing the person to shift responsibility away from themselves. This can be a powerful motivator for maintaining the addiction.

8. Violence: Understanding aggression as communication and interaction

Looking at crime as an interactive pattern requires that we look at the victim as well as the criminal. The victim's response is often the principal reward the criminal is seeking.

Communicative function. Violent and aggressive acts often serve as powerful forms of communication, expressing needs, frustrations, or a desire for control that can't be articulated in other ways.

Interactive nature. Violence is rarely a one-sided act. It often involves complex interactions between the aggressor, victim, and broader social context. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for prevention and intervention.

Stylistic expression. The specific manner in which a person commits violent or criminal acts can reveal important aspects of their self-image and motivations. This "stylistic signature" can provide valuable insights for understanding and addressing the behavior.

9. Sexual behavior: A microcosm of overall life-style and communication patterns

Sexual behavior is essentially a recapitulation of characteristics peculiar to—and central to—the individual's life-style. In other words, a person's sex life is a small universe of behavior that echoes his or her overall way of dealing with life.

Reflection of life-style. A person's sexual behavior often mirrors their general approach to life, including attitudes towards commitment, concern for others, risk-taking, and control.

Compromise solutions. Sexual dysfunctions and patterns often represent compromise solutions to conflicting needs and motivations. Understanding these compromises can provide insights into broader psychological issues.

Changing patterns. To change problematic sexual behaviors, it's often necessary to address the person's overall life-style and communication patterns. Focusing solely on the sexual aspect is unlikely to produce lasting change.

Last updated: July 30, 2024