Perfectly Queer

1. Perfectionism Hides a Fear of Unworthiness

I confused perfectionism with having high self-esteem, when the truth was actually the opposite.

Chasing external validation. The author's early pursuit of "Star Baby" status reveals how perfectionism often stems from a deep-seated need for external validation. Achievements became a means to feel worthy, rather than a genuine expression of self-love. This created a cycle of craving success and fearing failure.

The cost of comparison. The author's obsession with her brother's test scores illustrates how comparison fuels perfectionism. Instead of celebrating her own accomplishments, she constantly measured herself against others, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame. This highlights the importance of self-compassion and focusing on personal growth rather than external benchmarks.

Breaking the cycle. Recognizing the roots of perfectionism is the first step toward breaking free. The author's journey involves learning to challenge irrational expectations, embrace imperfections, and cultivate self-acceptance. This shift allows her to find worthiness within herself, rather than seeking it through external achievements.

2. Cultural Conditioning Shapes Identity

Good girls don’t do this.

Internalized societal norms. The author's initial discomfort with holding another girl's hand reveals the power of cultural conditioning. Growing up in a "not homophobic" household still instilled subtle messages about what was considered "right" or "normal," leading to internalized shame and confusion. This underscores the need to critically examine societal norms and challenge those that limit self-expression.

Heteronormative assumptions. The author's experience of being pressured to date boys highlights the pervasive heteronormative assumptions in society. The expectation that all girls should be interested in boys led her to question her own feelings and suppress her true identity. This emphasizes the importance of creating space for diverse experiences and challenging the idea that there is only one "right" way to be.

Breaking free from expectations. The author's journey involves unlearning these ingrained messages and embracing her authentic self. This requires challenging societal expectations, seeking out diverse perspectives, and creating a personal definition of happiness and fulfillment. It's a process of self-discovery and liberation from limiting beliefs.

3. Authenticity Requires Courageous Self-Acceptance

I could do all things in life, except admit that I was wrong.

The struggle for truth. The author's inability to admit mistakes reflects a deeper struggle with self-acceptance. Perfectionism made her believe that flaws were unacceptable, leading to a pattern of hiding, lying, and denying her true self. This highlights the importance of vulnerability and embracing imperfections as part of the human experience.

Finding your voice. The author's journey involves finding the courage to express her authentic self, even when it goes against societal expectations. This requires challenging internalized shame, embracing vulnerability, and speaking her truth, even when it's difficult. It's a process of self-discovery and empowerment.

The power of vulnerability. Sharing her story, despite the fear of judgment, becomes a way for the author to connect with others and inspire them to embrace their own authenticity. This highlights the transformative power of vulnerability and the importance of creating a safe space for self-expression. It's a journey of self-acceptance and connection.

4. Trauma Can Cloud Self-Perception

Some detach so completely that they view the event as a dream. Others develop amnesia.

Dissociation as a coping mechanism. The author's struggles with memory recall are linked to dissociation, a coping mechanism developed in response to chronic stress and trauma. This highlights the impact of trauma on self-perception and the importance of addressing underlying emotional wounds.

The "Trauma Body." Dr. Nicole LePera's concept of the "Trauma Body" helps explain how past experiences can manifest in physical and emotional symptoms. Dissociation, memory issues, and difficulty connecting with one's body are all potential signs of unresolved trauma. This underscores the need for holistic healing approaches that address both the mind and body.

Healing through awareness. Recognizing the role of trauma in shaping self-perception is the first step toward healing. The author's journey involves seeking therapy, practicing self-compassion, and developing coping mechanisms to manage stress and reconnect with her body. It's a process of self-discovery and reclaiming agency over her own narrative.

5. Community Provides Strength and Validation

This is why I feel the need to scream from the rooftops that therapy and community are so vitally important in the process of accepting and living one’s true identity.

Finding your tribe. The author's experience with Amy and the LGBTQ+ community highlights the importance of finding a supportive tribe. Connecting with others who share similar experiences provides validation, reduces feelings of isolation, and fosters a sense of belonging.

Challenging isolation. The author's initial fear of being "the only one" underscores the power of community in breaking down isolation. Discovering that others have gone through similar struggles provides hope, reduces shame, and empowers individuals to embrace their true selves.

The power of shared stories. The author's desire to share her story stems from a belief that it can help others feel less alone. By sharing her experiences, she creates a space for connection, validation, and empowerment within the LGBTQ+ community and beyond. It's a testament to the transformative power of shared stories.

6. Coming Out is a Journey, Not a Destination

I am undoing a lifetime of conditioning to be at peace with all the labels.

A continuous process. The author's interchangeable use of terms like "gay," "lesbian," and "queer" reflects the fluidity of identity and the ongoing nature of the coming-out process. It's not a one-time event, but a continuous journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

Unpacking internalized homophobia. The author's struggle to embrace the label "lesbian" reveals the lingering effects of internalized homophobia. Unlearning these ingrained biases and embracing her true identity requires ongoing effort and self-compassion.

Embracing fluidity. The author's journey involves embracing the fluidity of sexuality and challenging rigid labels. This allows her to define her own identity on her own terms, rather than conforming to societal expectations. It's a process of self-discovery and liberation.

7. Self-Love is Essential for Genuine Connection

I was going to have to try and communicate with my eyes, since I already knew words would be failing me.

The foundation of relationships. The author's experience at the gay bar highlights the importance of self-love in forming genuine connections. Her inability to fully embrace her identity prevented her from forming authentic relationships with others.

Breaking down barriers. The author's journey involves breaking down the barriers she had erected around her heart and embracing her true self. This requires challenging internalized shame, cultivating self-compassion, and prioritizing her own needs and desires.

Authenticity attracts authenticity. By embracing her true self, the author creates space for genuine connections with others. This allows her to form relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance. It's a journey of self-discovery and connection.

8. Divorce Can Be a Catalyst for Growth

Nothing hurts the heart like a slow break.

Reclaiming agency. The author's decision to end her marriage, despite the pain and uncertainty, reflects a desire to reclaim agency over her own life. It's a courageous step toward living authentically and creating a future that aligns with her true self.

Redefining divorce. The author's commitment to an amicable divorce highlights the possibility of transforming a potentially destructive process into an opportunity for growth and healing. By prioritizing communication, respect, and the well-being of their children, she and her husband create a new model for family.

Finding strength in vulnerability. Sharing her struggles with divorce becomes a way for the author to connect with others and inspire them to navigate their own challenges with courage and compassion. This highlights the transformative power of vulnerability and the importance of seeking support during difficult times. It's a journey of self-discovery and resilience.

9. Embrace the Messy Middle

I was not right. Something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to feel.

Navigating uncertainty. The author's experience of feeling "hollow" and "unsatisfied" in the midst of a seemingly perfect life highlights the challenges of navigating the "messy middle." This stage involves questioning long-held beliefs, confronting uncomfortable truths, and embracing uncertainty.

Finding meaning in the unknown. The author's journey involves seeking meaning and purpose beyond external achievements and societal expectations. This requires introspection, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace the unknown.

Trusting the process. The author's experience of feeling "crazy" and "alone" underscores the importance of self-compassion and trusting the process of self-discovery. This involves accepting that setbacks are inevitable, seeking support from others, and celebrating small victories along the way. It's a journey of self-acceptance and resilience.

10. Trust the Universe and Find Your Purpose

I will always belong to me.

Surrendering to the unknown. The author's decision to trust the universe and let go of control reflects a shift in perspective. Instead of clinging to old beliefs and expectations, she embraces the unknown and allows life to unfold in its own way.

Finding purpose in service. The author's desire to help others through her writing stems from a deep-seated belief in the power of shared stories. By sharing her experiences, she hopes to inspire others to embrace their true selves and live authentically.

Embracing the journey. The author's story is a testament to the transformative power of self-discovery, acceptance, and love. It's a reminder that life is a journey, not a destination, and that the most meaningful experiences often arise from embracing the unknown. It's a journey of self-discovery and connection.

Last updated: March 28, 2025