Private Equity

1. Carrie's journey from ambition to burnout in high finance

"Carbon was everything I had ever wanted in a job. It was me. The problem was all me."

Meteoric rise, devastating fall. Carrie Sun, an MIT graduate with a dual degree in math and finance, lands a coveted position as executive assistant to Boone Prescott, billionaire founder of Carbon, an elite hedge fund. She sees this as her chance to excel in the world of high finance while pursuing her dream of becoming a writer.

Relentless demands take their toll. As Carrie immerses herself in Carbon's high-pressure environment, she faces:

• 24/7 availability expectations
• Constant task-switching and interruptions
• Pressure to maintain a perfect, cheerful demeanor
• Responsibility for Boone's personal and professional life

Over time, the stress manifests in physical and mental health issues:

• Weight gain of over 30 pounds
• Disordered eating patterns
• Chronic fatigue and recurring illnesses
• Anxiety and loss of self-confidence

2. The unspoken rules and culture of elite hedge funds

"Carbon played a different game."

Ruthless efficiency above all else. Carbon operates on a set of unwritten rules that prioritize performance and profit over all other considerations:

• Extreme future orientation and focus on returns
• Expectation of total dedication from employees
• Blurred lines between personal and professional life

Information as power. The fund thrives on:

• Asymmetric knowledge and insider access
• Cultivating relationships with powerful figures
• Maintaining secrecy and avoiding public scrutiny

Carbon's culture is marked by:

• Intense competition among employees
• Lack of standardized processes or HR support
• Resistance to change or addressing systemic issues

3. The personal cost of chasing prestige and wealth

"I began viewing Carbon as a decision factory, the main input of which was information—specifically, objective, and not subjective."

Sacrificing health and relationships. In pursuit of success at Carbon, Carrie experiences:

• Neglect of personal health and well-being
• Strained relationships with family and friends
• Loss of personal identity outside of work

Moral compromises. Carrie grapples with:

• Justifying the accumulation of extreme wealth
• Ignoring the societal impact of hedge fund practices
• Suppressing her own values and ethical concerns

The illusion of control. Despite her efforts, Carrie realizes:

• Her worth is tied to Boone's perception and needs
• She has little agency in shaping her role or workload
• The promise of future rewards keeps her trapped

4. Immigrant family dynamics and intergenerational trauma

"Crying, there's not enough time."

High expectations, limited emotional support. Carrie's parents, Chinese immigrants who survived the Cultural Revolution, instill in her:

• Intense pressure to succeed academically and professionally
• Belief that suffering and hard work are virtues
• Difficulty expressing emotions or vulnerability

Cultural and generational gaps. Carrie struggles with:

• Conflicting values between her American upbringing and Chinese heritage
• Inability to communicate openly with her parents about her struggles
• Guilt over not living up to her parents' sacrifices and expectations

Repeating patterns. Carrie realizes she has internalized many of her parents' coping mechanisms:

• Suppressing emotions and physical needs
• Prioritizing work and achievement above all else
• Difficulty setting boundaries or asking for help

5. The struggle for identity and self-worth in competitive environments

"I was materials rich and agency poor: I felt starved of freedom, starved of the ability to do the self-constitutive activities that would make me me—so I feed myself, fill up and up and up."

Constant self-doubt. In the high-stakes world of finance, Carrie battles:

• Imposter syndrome and fear of failure
• Pressure to conform to others' expectations
• Difficulty recognizing her own needs and desires

Loss of personal identity. As she immerses herself in Carbon's culture, Carrie experiences:

• Abandonment of personal goals and interests
• Adoption of the firm's values as her own
• Difficulty imagining a life outside of finance

The search for validation. Carrie seeks affirmation through:

• Exceptional performance at work
• Material rewards and status symbols
• Approval from authority figures like Boone and her parents

6. The illusion of meritocracy in finance and education

"Carbon's funds had long been oversubscribed. This meant that it could select its LPs and how many shares of its funds to ration out to each. It could choose to accept only the cleanest, classiest money."

Perpetuating inequality. Despite claims of meritocracy, Carrie observes how Carbon:

• Reinforces existing power structures
• Provides outsized returns to already wealthy investors
• Limits access to opportunities based on connections and pedigree

The myth of equal opportunity. Carrie reflects on her own educational journey:

• The advantages provided by her MIT degree
• The role of standardized testing in perpetuating privilege
• The narrow definition of intelligence and success in elite institutions

Hidden advantages. Throughout her career, Carrie benefits from:

• Access to powerful networks and insider information
• Preferential treatment due to Carbon's reputation
• Resources that are unavailable to most people

7. Finding courage to leave a toxic workplace and start anew

"You made that promise," she said, "with all the information available to you then. And now you have new information. You are allowed to change your mind."

Recognizing the need for change. Carrie gradually comes to terms with:

• The toll her job is taking on her mental and physical health
• The misalignment between her values and Carbon's culture
• Her desire for a more fulfilling and balanced life

Overcoming fear and inertia. To leave Carbon, Carrie must confront:

• Fear of disappointing others and breaking her commitments
• Uncertainty about her future career and identity
• The allure of prestige and financial security

Reclaiming agency and purpose. Carrie's decision to leave represents:

• A rejection of toxic workplace norms
• An opportunity to reconnect with her true passions and values
• The beginning of a journey towards self-discovery and healing

Last updated: September 9, 2024