Raising Happiness

1. Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First: Prioritize Self-Care

"Parenting would be considerably easier if childhood happiness were just a function of ice cream cones eaten and time spent swimming."

Self-care is crucial. Parents must prioritize their own well-being to effectively nurture their children's happiness. Research shows that parental depression and anxiety can negatively impact children's emotional development and behavior. By taking care of themselves, parents model healthy habits and create a positive family atmosphere.

Nurture your relationships. Maintaining a strong partnership with your spouse or co-parent is essential for family harmony. Studies indicate that improving your relationship with your partner positively affects parenting quality. This includes:

• Practicing effective communication
• Resolving conflicts constructively
• Maintaining intimacy and connection
• Balancing individual needs with family responsibilities

Remember, self-care isn't selfish – it's a necessary foundation for raising happy children.

2. Build a Supportive Village for Your Child's Growth

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."

Social connections are vital. Research consistently shows that strong social relationships are one of the most significant predictors of happiness and well-being. For children, developing social skills and forming meaningful connections is crucial for their emotional and cognitive development.

Foster a supportive community. Parents can help build their child's "village" by:

• Encouraging and facilitating friendships
• Maintaining connections with extended family
• Engaging in community activities and groups
• Modeling positive social interactions

Teaching children to establish rapport, resolve conflicts, and practice kindness creates a foundation for lifelong social intelligence and happiness.

3. Foster a Growth Mindset: Effort Over Perfection

"Dweck explains: 'When we praise children for the effort and hard work that leads to achievement, they want to keep engaging in that process. They are not diverted from the task of learning by a concern with how smart they might—or might not—look.'"

Embrace the power of "yet". A growth mindset, the belief that abilities can be developed through effort and learning, is crucial for children's success and happiness. Parents can foster this mindset by:

• Praising effort and strategy rather than innate talent
• Encouraging persistence in the face of challenges
• Reframing failures as opportunities for growth
• Modeling a love of learning and self-improvement

Avoid the perfectionism trap. While high standards can be motivating, perfectionism often leads to anxiety, fear of failure, and decreased happiness. Instead, help children set realistic goals, celebrate progress, and learn from mistakes.

4. Cultivate Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Optimism

"Practicing gratitude is blissfully easy: simply count and recount the things in your life that you feel thankful for and ask your kids to do the same."

Gratitude boosts happiness. Research shows that regularly practicing gratitude increases positive emotions, improves relationships, and enhances overall well-being. Parents can cultivate gratitude by:

• Establishing daily gratitude rituals (e.g., sharing three good things at dinner)
• Writing thank-you notes for non-material gifts
• Encouraging children to appreciate everyday experiences

Teach forgiveness and optimism. These skills help children build resilience and maintain positive relationships. Strategies include:

• Modeling forgiveness in your own relationships
• Helping children understand others' perspectives
• Encouraging children to look for silver linings in difficult situations
• Practicing reframing negative events in a more positive light

5. Develop Emotional Intelligence in Children

"Emotion-coaching during pleasurable moments enhances kids' ability to savor."

Emotional literacy is key. Children with high emotional intelligence are better equipped to handle life's challenges, form strong relationships, and achieve success. Parents can foster emotional intelligence by:

• Labeling and validating children's emotions
• Teaching children to recognize and express their feelings
• Modeling appropriate emotional responses
• Helping children develop strategies for managing strong emotions

Practice emotion coaching. This approach involves:

1. Being aware of your child's emotions
2. Recognizing emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listening empathetically and validating feelings
4. Helping the child label their emotions
5. Setting limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand

6. Form Happiness Habits Through Consistent Practice

"What we plant in the soil of contemplation, we shall reap in the harvest of action."

Habits shape our lives. Developing positive habits is crucial for long-term happiness and success. Parents can help children form happiness habits by:

• Breaking down desired behaviors into small, manageable steps
• Consistently reinforcing positive actions
• Creating a supportive environment for habit formation
• Celebrating progress and effort

Use the ERN method. When encouraging new habits or behaviors:

• Express Empathy: Acknowledge the child's feelings
• Provide a meaningful Rationale: Explain why the behavior is important
• Use Non-controlling language: Offer choices and avoid commands

Remember, habit formation takes time and patience. Consistent, positive reinforcement is key to long-term success.

7. Teach Self-Discipline for Long-Term Success

"Formula of my happiness: a Yes, a No, a straight line, a goal."

Self-regulation is crucial. The ability to control impulses, delay gratification, and persist in the face of challenges is a key predictor of success and happiness. Parents can foster self-discipline by:

• Setting clear, consistent expectations and boundaries
• Modeling self-control in their own behavior
• Providing opportunities for children to practice self-regulation
• Teaching strategies for managing emotions and impulses

Balance structure and autonomy. Authoritative parenting, which combines warmth and firm limits, has been shown to promote self-discipline most effectively. This approach involves:

• Explaining the reasons behind rules and expectations
• Allowing age-appropriate choices and independence
• Providing consistent, loving support
• Encouraging problem-solving and decision-making skills

8. Embrace Mindfulness and Living in the Present

"Life is not a dress rehearsal. Every day, you should have at least one exquisite moment."

Mindfulness enhances well-being. Research shows that practicing mindfulness can reduce stress, improve focus, and increase overall happiness. Parents can introduce mindfulness to children through:

• Simple breathing exercises
• Guided imagery or meditation
• Mindful eating or walking practices
• Encouraging awareness of sensory experiences

Promote play and flow. Unstructured play and engaging in flow activities (where one is fully immersed in a challenging but enjoyable task) are crucial for children's development and happiness. Ensure children have:

• Ample time for free play
• Opportunities to explore their interests deeply
• A balance between structured activities and unscheduled time
• Encouragement to savor positive experiences

9. Create a Happiness-Conducive Environment

"Throughout history, people of all cultures have assumed that environment influences behavior."

Shape the "Rat Park". Just as a stimulating environment promotes well-being in laboratory rats, children thrive in environments that support their growth and happiness. Key factors include:

• High-quality childcare and education
• Limited exposure to materialism and consumerism
• Opportunities for social connection and play
• Access to nature and outdoor activities

Balance protection and challenge. While it's important to create a safe environment, children also need appropriate challenges to develop resilience and problem-solving skills. This involves:

• Allowing age-appropriate risks and independence
• Encouraging exploration and curiosity
• Providing support during difficulties without solving all problems
• Celebrating effort and perseverance in the face of challenges

10. Make Family Dinners a Cornerstone of Connection

"You don't need to be a parent to read this book. Think of all the people who care about kids: teachers, grandparents, health-care providers, aunts and uncles, librarians, babysitters … the list goes on and on."

Family meals matter. Research consistently shows that regular family dinners are associated with numerous benefits for children, including:

• Better academic performance
• Lower rates of substance abuse and depression
• Improved nutrition and eating habits
• Stronger family relationships

Create meaningful rituals. To maximize the benefits of family meals:

• Aim for at least 5 family dinners per week
• Turn off screens and focus on conversation
• Involve children in meal preparation and clean-up
• Use dinnertime to practice gratitude, share stories, and discuss values

Remember, the quality of interaction is more important than the complexity of the meal. Even simple meals can foster connection and happiness when shared with love and attention.

Last updated: April 25, 2025