Hold On to Your Kids

1. Peer orientation is displacing parental influence

For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling, and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers, and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role—their own peers.

Shifting attachments. Children are increasingly looking to their peers for direction and values rather than to parents and other adults. This fundamental change in attachment is affecting child development in profound ways. Peer orientation is not just about having friends, but about children becoming overly dependent on peer relationships for their sense of self, direction, and emotional needs.

Consequences of peer orientation:

• Loss of parental influence
• Disrupted maturation process
• Increased aggression and bullying
• Precocious sexuality
• Decreased interest in learning
• Emotional hardening

Root causes. Modern society has created conditions that promote peer orientation:

• Both parents working outside the home
• Breakdown of extended family networks
• Increased time in daycare and school settings
• Technology enabling constant peer contact

2. Attachment is crucial for healthy child development

Attachment is at the core of our being, but as such it is also far removed from consciousness.

Foundational relationship. Attachment to caring adults provides children with the secure base they need to develop emotionally, socially, and cognitively. It is the context in which children learn to regulate emotions, develop a sense of self, and gain the confidence to explore the world.

Six ways of attaching:

1. Through senses (physical proximity)
2. Sameness (imitation and identification)
3. Belonging and loyalty
4. Significance (feeling important to someone)
5. Feeling (emotional intimacy)
6. Being known (sharing of one's inner world)

When children attach primarily to peers instead of adults, these attachment needs are not adequately met, leading to developmental issues. Parents must consciously work to maintain strong attachments with their children in today's peer-oriented culture.

3. Peer-oriented children struggle with maturity and independence

Peer orientation kills curiosity.

Arrested development. Contrary to appearances, peer-oriented children often struggle to develop true independence and maturity. They may seem more sophisticated, but this is often a superficial adaptation to peer culture rather than genuine growth.

Signs of immaturity in peer-oriented children:

• Lack of individual interests or passions
• Difficulty with self-reflection and introspection
• Poor impulse control and emotional regulation
• Inability to think critically or form independent opinions
• Excessive concern with fitting in and peer approval

True maturity develops through relationships with nurturing adults who can provide guidance, set appropriate boundaries, and model mature behavior. Peer relationships, while important, cannot substitute for this essential developmental context.

4. Modern society inadvertently promotes peer orientation

Economics are much easier to grasp than attachment.

Cultural shifts. Changes in family structure, work patterns, and social norms have inadvertently created conditions that promote peer orientation. While often well-intentioned, many modern parenting practices and educational approaches actually increase children's dependence on peers.

Factors contributing to peer orientation:

• Emphasis on early socialization and preschool
• Overvaluing of children's independence from parents
• Breakdown of multi-generational communities
• Increased use of technology for communication
• Parental anxiety about children's social status

Unintended consequences. In trying to give children social experiences and independence, we often push them into peer relationships before they are developmentally ready. This can lead to premature peer orientation and a host of associated problems.

5. Peer orientation leads to aggression and bullying

The more peers matter, the more children are devastated by the insensitive relating of their peers, by failing to fit in, by perceived rejection or ostracization.

Root of aggression. Peer-oriented children often experience intense frustration due to the inherently insecure nature of peer attachments. This frustration, combined with emotional immaturity, can lead to aggressive behavior and bullying.

Characteristics of peer-oriented aggression:

• Lack of empathy for victims
• Inability to process feelings of futility
• Use of aggression to establish dominance
• Group dynamics that reinforce bullying behavior

Breaking the cycle. Addressing bullying requires more than just punishing aggressors or teaching social skills. It requires helping children re-establish secure attachments with adults and developing their capacity for emotional regulation and empathy.

6. Sexuality becomes distorted in peer-oriented children

Sex is being engaged in by kids who haven't the slightest inkling of what they are getting themselves into.

Premature sexualization. Peer-oriented children often engage in sexual behavior at younger ages and without the emotional maturity to handle the consequences. This is not driven by genuine sexual desire, but by attachment needs and peer pressure.

Consequences of peer-oriented sexuality:

• Emotional detachment from sexual experiences
• Use of sex as a means of social status or belonging
• Increased risk of exploitation and abuse
• Difficulty forming healthy intimate relationships later in life

Parents must actively counter these trends by maintaining strong attachments with their children, providing appropriate sex education, and helping children develop a healthy sense of self that is not dependent on sexual validation from peers.

7. Education suffers when children are peer-oriented

Peer-oriented kids go to school to be with their friends, not to learn.

Learning impediments. Peer orientation significantly undermines children's ability to learn and benefit from education. When peers become more important than teachers or parents, children's motivation to learn and engage with academic material decreases.

Impact on education:

• Decreased attention and focus in class
• Resistance to adult authority and guidance
• Valuing of social status over academic achievement
• Loss of natural curiosity and love of learning

Reclaiming teachability. To improve educational outcomes, we must address the underlying attachment issues. This involves helping children re-orient to adults as their primary attachment figures and creating learning environments that support healthy attachment relationships.

8. Natural discipline preserves parent-child relationships

Discipline should not and need not be adversarial.

Connection-based approach. Effective discipline relies on maintaining a strong attachment relationship with the child. Punitive approaches that use separation or emotional withdrawal as consequences can damage this crucial relationship.

Principles of natural discipline:

1. Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line
2. Work on the relationship, not just the incident
3. Draw out tears of futility instead of trying to teach a lesson
4. Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior
5. Draw out mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior
6. Script the desired behavior for immature children
7. Change the child's environment when unable to change the child

By focusing on maintaining connection and helping children process emotions, parents can guide behavior more effectively while strengthening their relationship with the child.

9. Parents must actively cultivate attachment with their children

The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child.

Intentional connection. In today's peer-oriented culture, parents must consciously work to maintain and strengthen their attachment relationships with their children. This involves creating regular opportunities for connection and actively collecting the child's attachment instincts.

Strategies for cultivating attachment:

• Create daily rituals for connection (e.g., family meals, bedtime routines)
• Engage in one-on-one activities with each child
• Provide physical and emotional comfort
• Show genuine interest in the child's inner world
• Maintain connection during times of separation (e.g., notes in lunchboxes)

By prioritizing attachment, parents can maintain their influence and provide the secure base children need for healthy development.

10. Peer interaction is not essential for socialization

Socializing—children spending time with one another—begets socialization: the capacity for skillful and mature relating to other human beings. There is no evidence to support such an assumption, despite its popularity.

Misguided emphasis. Contrary to popular belief, extensive peer interaction in early childhood does not lead to better social skills or relationships. True socialization develops through relationships with mature adults and the development of a strong sense of self.

Problems with peer-based socialization:

• Encourages conformity rather than true individuality
• Can reinforce immature behavior patterns
• May lead to bullying and social hierarchies
• Does not provide models of mature social interaction

Healthy socialization. Children develop genuine social skills through:

• Secure attachments with adults
• Opportunities for creative solitude and self-reflection
• Gradual exposure to peer relationships in supportive contexts
• Modeling of mature social behavior by adults

Parents should prioritize their relationship with their child over facilitating peer interactions, especially in the early years.

11. Self-esteem comes from adult relationships, not peer approval

The ultimate issue in self-esteem is not how good one feels about oneself, but the independence of self-evaluations from the judgments of others.

Internal vs. external validation. True self-esteem develops through relationships with caring adults who provide unconditional acceptance and support. Peer approval, while temporarily gratifying, does not lead to genuine self-worth.

Components of healthy self-esteem:

• Sense of inherent worth, independent of achievements
• Ability to self-reflect and form independent opinions
• Resilience in the face of criticism or rejection
• Confidence in one's ability to handle challenges

Parents can foster healthy self-esteem by:

• Providing unconditional love and acceptance
• Encouraging autonomy and independent thinking
• Helping children process both successes and failures
• Modeling self-respect and emotional resilience

By prioritizing the parent-child relationship and fostering genuine maturity, parents can help their children develop a strong, internally-based sense of self-worth that will serve them throughout life.

Last updated: August 10, 2024