Rethinking Sex

1. Sexual Liberation Hasn't Delivered Happiness

We’re Liberated, and We’re Miserable.

Despite increased freedom. Modern society boasts unprecedented sexual freedom, with less stigma, more options, and readily available contraception. Yet, paradoxically, many people, particularly young adults and straight women, report high levels of dissatisfaction, loneliness, and disappointment in their dating and sex lives. This widespread unhappiness is often expressed through "heteropessimism," a sense of regret and hopelessness about heterosexual relationships.

Lowered expectations. The current culture often encourages detachment and a lack of emotional investment in sexual encounters, leading to a disconnect between what people are told they should want (casual, consequence-free sex) and what they actually crave (intimacy, connection, trust). This pressure to be "chill" and avoid showing vulnerability contributes to a pervasive sense of emptiness and makes it difficult to build meaningful relationships. The result is a "sex recession," with young people having less sex and fewer partners than previous generations, despite the supposed liberation.

Fear and paralysis. Without clear norms beyond minimal consent, the dating landscape feels fraught and unpredictable. Both men and women express fear: women worry about unwanted advances or disrespect, while men fear misinterpreting cues or being accused of misconduct. This paralysis prevents genuine connection and leaves many feeling isolated, questioning if durable romantic relationships are even possible in this environment.

2. Consent Alone Is an Insufficient Ethical Standard

Consent is a fig leaf, and it’s falling off.

Legal minimum, not ethical ideal. While consent is a necessary baseline and a crucial legal standard to prevent sexual assault, it is presented as the only ethical requirement for sex. This narrow focus treats sex like a simple transaction or a problem of arithmetic, ignoring the complex emotional, psychological, and social dimensions involved. Relying solely on consent gives a pass on harder questions about fairness, care, and whether an act is truly good for all parties.

Fails to address harms. Many people, especially women, report experiencing "bad sex" that is technically consensual but leaves them feeling used, detached, or dissatisfied. These encounters, while not criminal, can still be emotionally damaging and contribute to a sense of disillusionment. The consent-only model provides no framework to critique or address these harms, leaving individuals to internalize the problem or feel they have no valid complaint because they said yes.

Ignores context and power. Consent assumes equal agency and a level playing field, but reality is often unequal due to differences in age, experience, intoxication, expectations, and power dynamics. Consent alone doesn't account for situations where one person feels pressured to agree for various reasons (e.g., fear of rejection, desire for commitment, social expectations) or where desires themselves might be shaped by unhealthy cultural forces. It focuses on permission for an act rather than the overall well-being of the individuals involved.

3. Sex Is Profoundly More Than Just a Physical Act

Sex is not a sandwich.

Beyond biology and pleasure. While sex involves physical pleasure and the biological drive for procreation, reducing it solely to these functions ignores its deeper significance. Sex is intertwined with our emotions, values, personal history, and sense of self. It is a unique form of embodied intimacy that involves vulnerability, touch, and the potential for profound connection, sometimes even described as transcendent or spiritual.

Connects body and spirit. Sex engages the whole person—mind, body, and potentially, soul. It can be a powerful vehicle for bonding, releasing hormones like oxytocin that promote connection and reduce stress. It allows us to see and be seen by another in a uniquely bare and vulnerable way. This inherent depth is why sexual assault is experienced as a uniquely terrible violation, going beyond physical harm to wound the spirit and sense of self.

Cultural and personal meaning. Across history and cultures, sex has been recognized as a momentous act, tied to community formation, identity, and even the sacred. While modern society attempts to strip it of intrinsic meaning, our own experiences and intuitions often reveal its gravity. Ignoring this significance leads to a disconnect between our beliefs and experiences, contributing to confusion and dissatisfaction when encounters fail to live up to this felt importance.

4. Biological and Social Differences Between Sexes Matter

Biological sex matters when we’re talking about sex.

Inequality persists. Despite strides towards gender equality, fundamental biological differences between cisgender men and women create inherent inequalities in sexual encounters. Men are, on average, physically stronger, and women bear the unique risks and burdens of pregnancy, childbirth, and the primary responsibility for contraception and childcare. These realities mean women often have more at stake in any given sexual encounter.

Differential risks and experiences. Even with contraception and abortion access, the risk of unintended pregnancy disproportionately falls on women, impacting their bodies, finances, education, and life trajectory in ways men do not face. Studies also show women are more likely to experience pain during sex and regret casual encounters, while men are more likely to regret missed opportunities. Women's sexual pleasure is also more strongly linked to emotional connection and partner commitment than men's.

Social conditioning's impact. Beyond biology, centuries of social conditioning mean men and women often approach sex and relationships with different expectations and communication styles. Women are often conditioned to prioritize others' feelings and avoid conflict, making it harder to assert boundaries or express discomfort. This combination of biological vulnerability and social programming means that even consensual interactions may not be truly equal exchanges, leaving women more susceptible to having their time wasted or consenting to unwanted acts in pursuit of connection or commitment.

5. Our Sex Lives Are Not Truly Private or Isolated

Sex is less private than we think it is—a good reason to think more clearly about the norms we are wittingly or unwittingly putting into place.

Modern invention of privacy. The idea of sex as a purely private matter between two individuals is a relatively recent concept. Historically, sex and relationships were deeply embedded in community life, with public rituals and social oversight. The rise of individualism and the legal concept of privacy, while offering benefits like freedom from unwanted surveillance, have also severed sex from communal norms and accountability.

Apps and atomization. Dating apps, the epitome of privatized dating, offer anonymity and a vast pool of options, but they also reduce potential partners to commodities and interactions to transactions. This environment can foster dehumanization and a lack of responsibility, as there are often no mutual connections to provide social checks on behavior. While offering freedom from traditional judgment, this atomization can lead to loneliness and make it harder to build trust and genuine connection.

External influences remain. Despite the illusion of a private bubble, our sexual desires, expectations, and behaviors are constantly shaped by external forces like media (especially pornography), market logic, and cultural narratives. These influences, often driven by profit or other agendas, mold our understanding of what sex is, what is desirable, and how we should act. Our individual choices, therefore, are not made in a vacuum but contribute to and reinforce broader social norms, impacting others whether we intend to or not.

6. Not All Sexual Desires Are Equally Valid or Healthy

Some desires are worse than others.

Beyond consent. The prevailing attitude of uncritical "sex positivity" suggests that any sexual desire or practice is acceptable as long as it's consensual. This stance, while aiming to reduce stigma, makes it difficult to critique desires or acts that may be harmful, degrading, or rooted in inequality, even when agreed upon. It assumes desire is immutable and beyond judgment, preventing necessary conversations about what constitutes healthy sexuality.

Impact on self and others. Certain desires and practices, particularly those that eroticize degradation, objectification, or power imbalances, can be psychologically damaging to both the person indulging them and their partner. They can reinforce unhealthy mindsets, normalize oppressive stereotypes (based on race, gender, etc.), and make it harder to form respectful, equitable relationships. Consenting to such acts doesn't negate their potential for harm or their negative social implications.

Shaped by culture. Desire is not purely inborn but is shaped by the culture we inhabit. Media, especially mainstream pornography, plays a significant role in molding erotic imaginations, often promoting aggressive, dehumanizing, and unrealistic portrayals of sex. Accepting all desires without critique allows these potentially harmful influences to go unchecked, contributing to a culture where practices like nonfatal strangulation become normalized, despite their links to violence and trauma.

7. A New Ethic: Willing the Good of the Other

“Willing the good of the other” was his definition of love.

Beyond the minimum. To move towards a better sexual culture, we need an ethic that goes beyond the legal minimum of consent. Drawing on philosophical and religious traditions, "willing the good of the other" offers a framework centered on mutual respect, care, and recognizing the inherent dignity of each person. This means acting not just for one's own pleasure or self-interest, but with genuine concern for the well-being of one's partner.

Radical empathy in practice. This ethic requires attention and empathy: pausing to consider how one's actions might affect the other person, not just in the moment but in the long term. It demands navigating ambiguity responsibly, prioritizing the other's experience and potential vulnerability over self-serving interpretations. It acknowledges that we may not always know what is best for another, making it our responsibility to seek understanding and err on the side of caution and care.

Prioritizing restraint and relationship. Willing the good often implies restraint, particularly in situations where there are power differentials, differing expectations of commitment, or potential for emotional pain. It suggests that knowing and caring about a partner's history, desires, and emotional landscape is crucial for ethical interaction. This ethic encourages building relationships based on mutual concern and presence, rather than pursuing encounters driven solely by individual appetite or transactional logic.

8. Having Less Casual Sex Might Lead to More Fulfillment

Nobody has ever died of sexlessness.

Questioning the imperative. The cultural pressure to have frequent, casual sex is based on the flawed assumption that more sex automatically equals more happiness or liberation. This narrative, fueled by Freudian ideas about repression and capitalist notions of maximizing consumption, overlooks the potential downsides of disconnected encounters and undervalues other forms of intimacy and fulfillment. It creates a stigma around not having sex, framing it as a deficiency.

Seeking quality over quantity. Evidence suggests that having many sexual partners does not correlate with greater happiness or success in long-term relationships, which many people ultimately desire. Casual sex, particularly for women, is often associated with dissatisfaction, emotional pain, and a sense of being used. Prioritizing quality over quantity, and seeking sex within contexts of care and mutual respect, aligns better with the human craving for connection and meaning.

Reclaiming the pause. Choosing to have less casual sex, or waiting to have sex until a foundation of care and mutual interest is established, is not repression but an act of agency. It allows individuals to align their sexual behavior with their deeper desires for intimacy and meaningful connection, rather than conforming to cultural pressures. This "pause" creates space for self-knowledge, allows relationships to develop beyond the physical, and ultimately increases the potential for sex to be a source of joy, connection, and fulfillment.

Last updated: May 20, 2025