Key Takeaways
1. Assess Your Readiness for Remarriage
Being prepared for your wedding does not equal being prepared for your marriage.
Personal readiness is crucial for a successful second marriage. This involves having a healthy self-concept and achieving independence from your previous marriage. A healthy self-concept means knowing who you are and liking who you are, which provides the emotional reserves needed to navigate inevitable tough times.
Relational readiness is equally important. Key factors include:
- Longevity: Couples who date for more than two years before marriage tend to have higher marital satisfaction.
- Stability: A steady, dependable relationship during courtship indicates better conflict resolution skills.
- Similarity: Sharing common values, beliefs, and attitudes is crucial for long-term compatibility.
2. Debunk Common Myths About Second Marriages
Liberated from these five myths, couples can settle into the real world of marriage—with all its joys and sorrows, passion and pain.
Recognizing and dispelling myths is essential for building a realistic foundation for your second marriage. Common misconceptions include:
- Expecting exactly the same things from marriage
- Believing everything good in the relationship will get better
- Thinking everything bad in your life will disappear
- Assuming adjustment to married life occurs more quickly in remarriage
- Expecting your spouse to make you whole
Reality check: Second marriages require work and adaptation. Understanding that challenges will arise and that personal growth is an ongoing process can help couples navigate the complexities of blending lives and potentially families.
3. Understand and Nurture Love in Your Relationship
Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it.
Love's components: According to psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular model, love consists of three elements:
- Passion: The motivational, romantic aspect
- Intimacy: The emotional connection and closeness
- Commitment: The cognitive decision to maintain the relationship
Love's evolution: Recognize that love styles change over time. Couples may experience:
- Romantic love (passion + intimacy)
- Foolish love (passion + commitment)
- Companionate love (intimacy + commitment)
- Consummate love (passion + intimacy + commitment)
Understanding these changes can help couples adapt and maintain a strong connection throughout their marriage.
4. Cultivate the Habit of Happiness in Your Marriage
Happiness in marriage has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with will.
Choose your attitude: Happiness is not dependent on circumstances but on how you interpret and respond to them. Cultivating a positive mindset involves:
- Programming your mind for positivity
- Avoiding self-pity, blame, and resentment
- Adjusting to things beyond your control
Practice gratitude: Regularly expressing appreciation for your partner and the good things in your life can significantly boost marital satisfaction. This habit helps maintain a positive perspective even during challenging times.
5. Master Effective Communication Techniques
Communication is the lifeblood of marriage.
Essential communication skills:
- Make "I" statements instead of "you" statements
- Practice reflective listening
- Understand and accept gender differences in communication
- Apologize when necessary
- Communicate through touch
Bedrock of communication: Effective communication is built on:
- Warmth: Accepting your partner as they are
- Genuineness: Being authentic in your interactions
- Empathy: Seeing the world from your partner's perspective
Mastering these skills and qualities can significantly improve understanding and connection in your relationship.
6. Bridge the Gender Gap in Your Relationship
Men focus on achievement, women focus on relationships.
Recognizing differences: Understanding and appreciating gender differences can lead to greater intimacy and reduced conflict. Key distinctions include:
- Men tend to be more pragmatic and goal-oriented
- Women often focus more on feelings and present activities
Meeting gender-specific needs:
For wives:
- To be cherished
- To be known
- To be respected
For husbands:
- To be admired
- To have autonomy
- To enjoy shared activity
Acknowledging and meeting these needs can strengthen your bond and improve overall marital satisfaction.
7. Learn to Fight Fair and Resolve Conflicts
Conflict is the price you pay for deepening intimacy.
Rules for fair fighting:
- Don't run from strife
- Choose your battles carefully
- Define the issue clearly
- State your feelings directly
- Rate the intensity of your feelings
- Give up put-downs
- Don't dwell on downers
Avoid destructive patterns: Be aware of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in conflicts:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Learning to fight fair can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.
8. Successfully Blend Families in a Second Marriage
Even so-called "normal" intact families have difficulties.
Key strategies for blending families:
- Make the new marriage the center of your family
- Build new family traditions while respecting old ones
- Hold regular family meetings
- Provide personal space for everyone
- Don't rush into having your own child together
Role-specific advice:
For biological parents:
- Be the primary disciplinarian
- Be civil to your ex-spouse
- Have empathy for your new spouse in the stepparent role
For stepparents:
- Don't try to replace the missing parent
- Start slow in building relationships with stepchildren
- Give your spouse time alone with their children
Remember that it takes at least three years for a combined family to start functioning smoothly as a unit.
9. Nourish the Spiritual Dimension of Your Partnership
Marriage is closer to the nature of God than any other human experience.
Spiritual intimacy is the ultimate meaning of marriage. It provides:
- A shared sense of purpose and values
- A deeper connection beyond physical and emotional bonds
- A foundation for faithfulness and forgiveness
Nurturing your marriage's soul:
- Worship together: Attend religious services or engage in spiritual practices as a couple
- Serve others: Find ways to give back to your community as a team
- Pray together: Shared prayer can increase marital satisfaction and even improve your sex life
Tending to the spiritual dimension of your marriage can provide a sense of transcendence and help you weather life's challenges together.
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FAQ
What's "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" about?
- Focus on Remarriage: The book is designed to help couples entering a second marriage navigate the unique challenges they face, such as blending families and dealing with past relationship baggage.
- Nine Key Questions: It poses nine critical questions that couples should ask before and after they remarry to ensure a strong foundation for their new marriage.
- Practical Tools and Exercises: The book includes exercises and self-tests to help couples apply the concepts and improve their relationship dynamics.
- Authored by Experts: Written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, who are experienced in relationship counseling and have authored several books on marriage.
Why should I read "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts"?
- Tailored for Remarriage: It specifically addresses the complexities of second marriages, which are often overlooked in general marriage advice.
- Proven Strategies: The book offers research-backed strategies and insights from the authors' extensive experience in marriage counseling.
- Comprehensive Approach: It covers a wide range of topics, from communication and conflict resolution to spiritual intimacy and family blending.
- Practical Application: With workbooks and exercises, it provides actionable steps to help couples strengthen their relationship.
What are the key takeaways of "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts"?
- Understand Expectations: Couples should discuss and align their expectations for the marriage to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Communication is Crucial: Effective communication is the foundation of a successful marriage, and the book offers techniques to improve it.
- Blending Families: The book provides guidance on how to successfully integrate children from previous marriages into the new family unit.
- Spiritual Intimacy: Developing a shared spiritual life can deepen the connection between partners and provide a strong foundation for the marriage.
What are the best quotes from "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" and what do they mean?
- "The trick is to get the right attitude in spite of atmospheric conditions." This quote emphasizes the importance of maintaining a positive attitude in marriage, regardless of external circumstances.
- "Conflict is the price you pay for deepening intimacy." It suggests that disagreements are a natural part of marriage and can lead to greater closeness if handled well.
- "Marriage is not a machine that needs routine maintenance to keep it functioning, but a supernatural event founded upon a mutual exchange of holy pledges." This highlights the spiritual and profound nature of marriage beyond just practical considerations.
- "The sacred secret to becoming soul mates is pursuing a mutual communion with God." This underscores the importance of spiritual connection in achieving true intimacy in marriage.
How does "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" address communication issues?
- Identify Communication Styles: The book helps couples recognize their unique communication styles and how they can complement or clash with each other.
- Effective Techniques: It introduces techniques like "I" statements and reflective listening to improve understanding and reduce conflict.
- Gender Differences: The book explores how men and women communicate differently and offers strategies to bridge these gaps.
- Practice Exercises: Couples are encouraged to engage in exercises that enhance their communication skills and foster open dialogue.
What advice does "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" offer for blending families?
- Respect Existing Bonds: The book advises respecting the children's existing relationships with their biological parents and not trying to replace them.
- Gradual Integration: It suggests taking a slow approach to integrating families, allowing relationships to develop naturally over time.
- Discipline Dynamics: The biological parent should initially handle discipline, with the stepparent gradually taking on more responsibility as relationships strengthen.
- Create New Traditions: Establishing new family traditions can help unite the family and create a sense of belonging for everyone.
How does "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" suggest handling past relationship baggage?
- Acknowledge Past Issues: The book encourages couples to openly discuss and acknowledge any unresolved issues from previous marriages.
- Healing and Forgiveness: It emphasizes the importance of healing from past hurts and forgiving oneself and others to move forward.
- Create a Clean Slate: Couples are advised to consciously create a new beginning, free from the shadows of past relationships.
- Professional Help: Seeking counseling or therapy is recommended for those struggling to let go of past baggage.
What role does spiritual intimacy play in "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts"?
- Foundation of Marriage: Spiritual intimacy is presented as a crucial foundation for a strong and lasting marriage.
- Shared Spiritual Practices: The book encourages couples to engage in shared spiritual practices, such as prayer and worship, to deepen their connection.
- God's Role in Marriage: It highlights the belief that marriage reflects God's love and faithfulness, providing a model for couples to emulate.
- Soul Mates Concept: Achieving spiritual intimacy is key to becoming true soul mates, as it aligns the couple's values and purpose.
How does "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" address conflict resolution?
- Healthy Conflict: The book teaches that conflict is a natural part of marriage and can lead to growth if managed properly.
- Rules for Fighting Fair: It provides rules for fair fighting, such as avoiding criticism and contempt, to prevent destructive arguments.
- Understanding Triggers: Couples are encouraged to identify and understand their conflict triggers to better manage disagreements.
- Constructive Communication: The focus is on using constructive communication techniques to resolve conflicts and strengthen the relationship.
What are the nine questions posed in "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts"?
- Readiness for Remarriage: Are you truly ready to get married again, considering past experiences and current circumstances?
- Facing Myths: Have you faced the myths of remarriage with honesty, such as the belief that everything will be perfect this time?
- Love Style: Can you identify your love style and understand how it affects your relationship dynamics?
- Happiness Habit: Have you developed the habit of happiness, focusing on positive attitudes and gratitude?
- Communication Skills: Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear, ensuring effective communication?
- Gender Differences: Have you bridged the gender gap, appreciating and understanding the differences between men and women?
- Conflict Management: Do you know how to fight a good fight, resolving conflicts constructively?
- Blending Families: Do you know how to blend a family, integrating children from previous marriages successfully?
- Spiritual Connection: Are you and your partner soul mates, sharing a deep spiritual connection?
How does "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" help couples prepare for remarriage?
- Self-Assessment Tools: The book includes self-assessment tools to help couples evaluate their readiness for remarriage.
- Practical Exercises: It offers practical exercises to address key areas such as communication, conflict resolution, and family blending.
- Guidance for Unique Challenges: The book provides specific guidance for the unique challenges faced by remarried couples, such as dealing with ex-spouses and stepchildren.
- Focus on Long-Term Success: The emphasis is on building a strong foundation for long-term success, rather than just addressing immediate concerns.
Review Summary
Readers give mixed reviews to Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts. Some find it helpful for premarital counseling, particularly the chapters on blending families and incorporating faith. Others criticize its similarity to the authors' previous book and the need for additional workbooks. The religious focus is appreciated by some but off-putting to others. Several reviewers note its practicality and ease of reading, while a few found it challenging to get through. Overall, opinions vary on its effectiveness for those entering a second marriage.
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