Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts

1. Assess Your Readiness for Remarriage

Being prepared for your wedding does not equal being prepared for your marriage.

Personal readiness is crucial for a successful second marriage. This involves having a healthy self-concept and achieving independence from your previous marriage. A healthy self-concept means knowing who you are and liking who you are, which provides the emotional reserves needed to navigate inevitable tough times.

Relational readiness is equally important. Key factors include:

• Longevity: Couples who date for more than two years before marriage tend to have higher marital satisfaction.
• Stability: A steady, dependable relationship during courtship indicates better conflict resolution skills.
• Similarity: Sharing common values, beliefs, and attitudes is crucial for long-term compatibility.

2. Debunk Common Myths About Second Marriages

Liberated from these five myths, couples can settle into the real world of marriage—with all its joys and sorrows, passion and pain.

Recognizing and dispelling myths is essential for building a realistic foundation for your second marriage. Common misconceptions include:

1. Expecting exactly the same things from marriage
2. Believing everything good in the relationship will get better
3. Thinking everything bad in your life will disappear
4. Assuming adjustment to married life occurs more quickly in remarriage
5. Expecting your spouse to make you whole

Reality check: Second marriages require work and adaptation. Understanding that challenges will arise and that personal growth is an ongoing process can help couples navigate the complexities of blending lives and potentially families.

3. Understand and Nurture Love in Your Relationship

Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it.

Love's components: According to psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular model, love consists of three elements:

• Passion: The motivational, romantic aspect
• Intimacy: The emotional connection and closeness
• Commitment: The cognitive decision to maintain the relationship

Love's evolution: Recognize that love styles change over time. Couples may experience:

• Romantic love (passion + intimacy)
• Foolish love (passion + commitment)
• Companionate love (intimacy + commitment)
• Consummate love (passion + intimacy + commitment)

Understanding these changes can help couples adapt and maintain a strong connection throughout their marriage.

4. Cultivate the Habit of Happiness in Your Marriage

Happiness in marriage has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with will.

Choose your attitude: Happiness is not dependent on circumstances but on how you interpret and respond to them. Cultivating a positive mindset involves:

• Programming your mind for positivity
• Avoiding self-pity, blame, and resentment
• Adjusting to things beyond your control

Practice gratitude: Regularly expressing appreciation for your partner and the good things in your life can significantly boost marital satisfaction. This habit helps maintain a positive perspective even during challenging times.

5. Master Effective Communication Techniques

Communication is the lifeblood of marriage.

Essential communication skills:

1. Make "I" statements instead of "you" statements
2. Practice reflective listening
3. Understand and accept gender differences in communication
4. Apologize when necessary
5. Communicate through touch

Bedrock of communication: Effective communication is built on:

• Warmth: Accepting your partner as they are
• Genuineness: Being authentic in your interactions
• Empathy: Seeing the world from your partner's perspective

Mastering these skills and qualities can significantly improve understanding and connection in your relationship.

6. Bridge the Gender Gap in Your Relationship

Men focus on achievement, women focus on relationships.

Recognizing differences: Understanding and appreciating gender differences can lead to greater intimacy and reduced conflict. Key distinctions include:

• Men tend to be more pragmatic and goal-oriented
• Women often focus more on feelings and present activities

Meeting gender-specific needs:
For wives:

• To be cherished
• To be known
• To be respected

For husbands:

• To be admired
• To have autonomy
• To enjoy shared activity

Acknowledging and meeting these needs can strengthen your bond and improve overall marital satisfaction.

7. Learn to Fight Fair and Resolve Conflicts

Conflict is the price you pay for deepening intimacy.

Rules for fair fighting:

1. Don't run from strife
2. Choose your battles carefully
3. Define the issue clearly
4. State your feelings directly
5. Rate the intensity of your feelings
6. Give up put-downs
7. Don't dwell on downers

Avoid destructive patterns: Be aware of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in conflicts:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Learning to fight fair can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.

8. Successfully Blend Families in a Second Marriage

Even so-called "normal" intact families have difficulties.

Key strategies for blending families:

• Make the new marriage the center of your family
• Build new family traditions while respecting old ones
• Hold regular family meetings
• Provide personal space for everyone
• Don't rush into having your own child together

Role-specific advice:
For biological parents:

• Be the primary disciplinarian
• Be civil to your ex-spouse
• Have empathy for your new spouse in the stepparent role

For stepparents:

• Don't try to replace the missing parent
• Start slow in building relationships with stepchildren
• Give your spouse time alone with their children

Remember that it takes at least three years for a combined family to start functioning smoothly as a unit.

9. Nourish the Spiritual Dimension of Your Partnership

Marriage is closer to the nature of God than any other human experience.

Spiritual intimacy is the ultimate meaning of marriage. It provides:

• A shared sense of purpose and values
• A deeper connection beyond physical and emotional bonds
• A foundation for faithfulness and forgiveness

Nurturing your marriage's soul:

1. Worship together: Attend religious services or engage in spiritual practices as a couple
2. Serve others: Find ways to give back to your community as a team
3. Pray together: Shared prayer can increase marital satisfaction and even improve your sex life

Tending to the spiritual dimension of your marriage can provide a sense of transcendence and help you weather life's challenges together.

Last updated: November 18, 2024