Self-Awareness (HBR Emotional Intelligence Series)

1. Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence

Self-awareness means having a deep understanding of one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs, and drives.

Cornerstone of success. Self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence and a critical factor in personal and professional success. It enables individuals to recognize how their feelings affect them, others, and their job performance. Self-aware people are neither overly critical nor unrealistically hopeful; instead, they are honest with themselves and others.

Practical benefits. Self-awareness leads to:

• Better decision-making
• Stronger relationships
• More effective communication
• Increased job satisfaction
• Higher likelihood of promotion

Self-aware leaders can assess themselves realistically, speak openly about their emotions, and understand how they impact their work and others. They often demonstrate a self-deprecating sense of humor and a thirst for constructive criticism, which contributes to their overall effectiveness.

2. There are two types of self-awareness: internal and external

We've found that internal self-awareness is associated with higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness; it is negatively related to anxiety, stress, and depression.

Internal self-awareness involves understanding your own values, passions, aspirations, fit with your environment, reactions, and impact on others. It correlates with higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness, while being negatively related to anxiety, stress, and depression.

External self-awareness means understanding how other people view you in terms of those same factors. People with high external self-awareness are more skilled at showing empathy and taking others' perspectives. Their employees tend to have better relationships with them, feel more satisfied, and see them as more effective leaders.

Interestingly, there is virtually no relationship between internal and external self-awareness. This leads to four leadership archetypes:

1. Aware (high internal and external)
2. Introspectors (high internal, low external)
3. Seekers (low internal, high external)
4. Pleasers (low internal and external)

3. Experience and power can hinder self-awareness

Contrary to popular belief, studies have shown that people do not always learn from experience, that expertise does not help people root out false information, and that seeing ourselves as highly experienced can keep us from doing our homework, seeking disconfirming evidence, and questioning our assumptions.

Experience paradox. Contrary to popular belief, experience doesn't always lead to increased self-awareness. In fact, it can sometimes hinder it by:

• Creating a false sense of confidence
• Reducing the likelihood of seeking feedback
• Discouraging the questioning of assumptions

Power pitfall. As leaders gain more power, they tend to:

• Overestimate their skills and abilities
• Receive less candid feedback from others
• Become less willing to listen to alternative viewpoints

To counteract these tendencies, successful leaders actively seek frequent critical feedback from various sources, including bosses, peers, employees, and board members. This practice helps them maintain and improve their self-awareness as they progress in their careers.

4. Introspection doesn't always improve self-awareness

As it turns out, "why" is a surprisingly ineffective self-awareness question.

The problem with "why". Contrary to popular belief, asking "why" questions during introspection can be counterproductive. This is because:

• We often lack access to our unconscious thoughts, feelings, and motives
• "Why" questions can lead to excessive rumination and negative thought patterns
• We tend to invent answers that feel true but may be inaccurate

The power of "what". Instead of asking "why," focus on "what" questions:

• "What are the situations that make me feel terrible?"
• "What are the steps I need to take to do a better job?"
• "What do I need to do to move forward?"

These "what" questions help maintain objectivity, focus on the future, and empower action based on new insights. They lead to more productive self-reflection and increased self-awareness without getting caught in unproductive rumination.

5. Recognize your patterns and label your thoughts and emotions

The first step in developing emotional agility is to notice when you've been hooked by your thoughts and feelings.

Recognize patterns. To develop emotional agility, start by noticing when you've been "hooked" by your thoughts and feelings. Signs include:

• Rigid and repetitive thinking
• Familiar storylines that feel like reruns of past experiences
• Feeling stuck or unable to move forward

Label thoughts and emotions. Once you recognize these patterns, practice labeling your thoughts and emotions:

• Instead of "I'm not doing enough," say "I'm having the thought that I'm not doing enough"
• Rather than "I'm angry," say "I'm noticing that I'm feeling anger"

This labeling technique:

• Creates distance between you and your thoughts/emotions
• Allows you to see them as transient data points
• Reduces their power over your actions and decisions

By recognizing patterns and labeling thoughts and emotions, you can start to unhook yourself from unproductive mental loops and gain more control over your responses.

6. Accept your thoughts and emotions, then act on your values

Effective leaders don't buy into or try to suppress their inner experiences. Instead they approach them in a mindful, values-driven, and productive way—developing what we call emotional agility.

Accept, don't suppress. Rather than trying to control or eliminate difficult thoughts and emotions, practice acceptance:

• Acknowledge and allow yourself to experience them
• Observe them without judgment
• Recognize that they are temporary and don't define you

Act on values. Once you've accepted your thoughts and emotions:

• Identify your core values and long-term goals
• Ask yourself: "Is my response going to serve me and my organization in the long term?"
• Make choices that align with your values, not your momentary feelings

This approach allows leaders to navigate challenging situations more effectively, make better decisions, and maintain their integrity even in the face of difficult emotions or circumstances.

7. Use data-driven approaches to enhance self-awareness

Applied the right way, auto-analytics can provide hard evidence in situations where traditionally we've relied on intuition and anecdotal feedback.

Auto-analytics tools. Leverage technology to gain insights into your behavior and performance:

• Trackers: Reveal patterns and help set goals (e.g., sleep trackers, productivity apps)
• Nudgers: Guide you toward your goals based on collected data

Areas of focus:

1. Physical self: Monitor sleep, stress levels, and exercise routines
2. Thinking self: Track cognitive tasks, attention patterns, and work output
3. Emotional self: Record moods and correlate them with various factors

Benefits of data-driven self-awareness:

• Provides objective insights into your habits and patterns
• Helps identify areas for improvement
• Allows for testing and measuring the impact of changes
• Supports more informed decision-making about your career and personal development

By using auto-analytics tools and approaches, you can gain a more accurate and nuanced understanding of yourself, leading to better-informed choices and more effective personal and professional growth strategies.

8. Seek feedback from others to improve self-perception

Tapping into this collective impression can give us valuable information on what's working for us and where we may need to adjust our style.

Conduct a presence audit. To gain insight into how others perceive you:

1. Select 5 trusted colleagues who see you in relevant work situations
2. Ask for face-to-face meetings
3. Pose two key questions:
   • "What's the general perception of me?"
   • "What could I do differently that would have the greatest impact on my success?"

Handle feedback effectively:

• Resist the urge to explain or defend yourself
• Ask for specific examples if needed
• Thank the person sincerely for their input

Analyze and act:

• Look for themes and repetitive points in the feedback
• Identify areas where perceptions align or differ from your intentions
• Develop an action plan to address key areas for improvement

By seeking and acting on feedback from others, you can bridge the gap between your self-perception and how others see you, leading to more effective leadership and improved relationships in the workplace.

9. Learn to solicit and receive negative feedback effectively

Even if we get frequent feedback at work, it's typically about our functional performance. You may be told that your sales skills need sharpening, but not that people see you as self-interested. Which one has more of an impact on your career?

Overcome feedback barriers. Managers often hesitate to give negative feedback due to:

• Fear of hurting feelings
• Desire to maintain professionalism
• Lack of role models for giving negative feedback
• Concern about emotional reactions

Strategies for soliciting negative feedback:

1. Give yourself negative feedback first to make others comfortable
2. Frame it as a personal commitment to improvement
3. Ask what you could learn from the other person
4. Minimize the impact by asking for "one small habit" to change

Benefits of seeking negative feedback:

• Demonstrates commitment to growth
• Builds trust and openness in relationships
• Provides valuable insights for career development
• Shows emotional maturity and self-awareness

By actively seeking and effectively receiving negative feedback, you can accelerate your personal and professional growth, improve your relationships, and demonstrate your commitment to continuous improvement.

10. Find the coaching in criticism to accelerate growth

Getting better at receiving feedback starts with understanding and managing those feelings.

Understand feedback triggers. Recognize three types of triggers that can make receiving feedback difficult:

1. Truth triggers: Reactions to the content of the feedback
2. Relationship triggers: Responses based on the person giving the feedback
3. Identity triggers: Emotional reactions related to your self-image

Strategies for effective feedback reception:

1. Know your tendencies: Recognize your typical reactions to feedback
2. Disentangle the "what" from the "who": Separate the message from the messenger
3. Sort toward coaching: Try to hear feedback as advice rather than criticism
4. Unpack the feedback: Seek clarity on what exactly is being suggested
5. Ask for just one thing: Request specific, actionable feedback
6. Engage in small experiments: Test out suggestions to see what works

Benefits of embracing feedback:

• Accelerates personal and professional growth
• Improves relationships and communication
• Enhances leadership effectiveness
• Increases adaptability and resilience

By learning to find the coaching in criticism and managing your emotional responses, you can transform feedback from a potentially threatening experience into a valuable opportunity for growth and improvement.

Last updated: August 13, 2024