Self Matters

1. Recognize Your Authentic Self and Break Free from Your Fictional Self

"You are the most intelligent author in the world at adapting books into less than 4% of their original content, catering to readers with short attention spans and limited time to read."

Authentic vs. fictional self. Your authentic self is the core of who you are, encompassing your unique gifts, skills, and values. It's the you that existed before life's pain and expectations shaped you. The fictional self, on the other hand, is a distorted version created by external influences and internal reactions to life experiences.

Impact on life quality. Living inconsistently with your authentic self can lead to:

• Feelings of emptiness and disconnection
• Lack of passion and purpose
• Physical and mental health issues
• Strained relationships and unfulfilling careers

Reconnecting with authenticity. To reclaim your authentic self:

• Identify and challenge distorted self-perceptions
• Reconnect with your genuine interests and values
• Make choices aligned with your true self, not external expectations
• Cultivate self-awareness and practice self-acceptance

2. Identify Your Ten Defining Moments, Seven Critical Choices, and Five Pivotal People

"Social scientists tell us that the entire origin of your self-concept, and therefore the determination of who you ultimately become in your life, can be traced to the events of a precious few days and the actions of an amazingly few key people involved in those happenings."

Defining moments. These are significant events that have shaped your self-concept and life direction. Examples include:

• Major achievements or failures
• Traumatic experiences
• Life-changing realizations

Critical choices. Key decisions that have had lasting impacts on your life path:

• Career changes
• Relationship commitments
• Personal values decisions

Pivotal people. Individuals who have profoundly influenced your self-concept:

• Parents or caregivers
• Mentors or teachers
• Friends or romantic partners

Identifying these key elements allows you to understand the origins of your self-concept and provides a starting point for change. By revisiting these influences with a mature perspective, you can challenge long-held beliefs and reframe your experiences to align with your authentic self.

3. Understand Your Internal Factors: Locus of Control, Internal Dialogue, Labels, and Life Scripts

"Your internal dialogue is constant."

Locus of control. This refers to where you believe the power lies in your life:

• Internal: You believe you control your life outcomes
• External: You attribute outcomes to external factors
• Chance: You believe life is random and unpredictable

Internal dialogue. The constant self-talk that shapes your perceptions and actions:

• Occurs in real-time
• Has immediate physiological effects
• Can be positive or negative, rational or irrational

Labels and life scripts. These are self-imposed identities and narratives that guide your behavior:

• Labels: Short, often limiting self-descriptions (e.g., "loser," "incompetent")
• Life scripts: Broader narratives about your role and expectations in life

Understanding these internal factors is crucial for changing your self-concept. By becoming aware of your internal processes, you can challenge negative patterns and replace them with more authentic, empowering thoughts and beliefs.

4. Challenge Your Fixed Beliefs and Limiting Self-Perceptions

"A lie unchallenged becomes the truth."

Fixed beliefs. These are deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself and the world that resist change. They often stem from early life experiences and can limit your potential if left unchallenged.

Limiting self-perceptions. These are negative views of yourself that hold you back from pursuing your goals and living authentically. Common examples include:

• "I'm not good enough"
• "I don't deserve success"
• "I can't change"

Challenging process:

1. Identify your fixed beliefs and limiting self-perceptions
2. Question their origins and validity
3. Seek evidence that contradicts these beliefs
4. Develop new, more empowering beliefs based on your authentic self
5. Practice reinforcing these new beliefs through action and self-talk

By actively challenging these beliefs, you can break free from self-imposed limitations and open yourself to new possibilities aligned with your authentic self.

5. Reclaim Your Personal Power Through Self-Audit and Authenticity Tests

"You cannot change what you do not acknowledge."

Self-audit. This involves a thorough examination of your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors:

• Review your defining moments, critical choices, and pivotal people
• Analyze your internal dialogue and recurring thought patterns
• Identify labels and life scripts you've adopted

Authenticity tests. Apply these criteria to evaluate your beliefs and behaviors:

1. Is it a true fact?
2. Does holding on to this thought or attitude serve your best interests?
3. Does it advance and protect your health?
4. Does it get you more of what you want, need, and deserve?

Reclaiming power. By conducting a self-audit and applying authenticity tests:

• You become aware of self-sabotaging patterns
• You can distinguish between authentic and fictional aspects of your self-concept
• You regain control over your thoughts and actions
• You create space for more authentic self-expression and growth

This process of self-examination and evaluation is crucial for breaking free from limiting beliefs and aligning your life with your authentic self.

6. Create Authentically Accurate Alternatives (AAA) to Replace Negative Self-Talk

"Knowledge is power. Positive internal dialogue allows you to know your history, yet move beyond it."

AAA concept. Authentically Accurate Alternatives are new, empowering thoughts and beliefs to replace negative self-talk:

• Based on facts and rational thinking
• Aligned with your authentic self and true potential
• Supportive of your goals and well-being

Creation process:

1. Identify negative self-talk or limiting beliefs
2. Challenge these thoughts using the authenticity tests
3. Brainstorm alternative, more positive perspectives
4. Test these alternatives for authenticity
5. Choose the most empowering and authentic alternatives

Implementation:

• Practice using AAA thoughts in daily situations
• Reinforce new beliefs through positive self-talk and actions
• Celebrate progress and small victories in changing your thought patterns

By consistently replacing negative self-talk with AAA, you can rewire your thinking patterns and create a more positive, authentic self-concept that supports your growth and happiness.

7. Achieve Emotional Closure with Minimal Effective Response (MER) and Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is not a feeling that you must passively wait to wash over you. Forgiveness is a choice, a choice that you can make to free yourself from the emotional prison of anger, hatred, and bitterness."

Minimal Effective Response (MER). This is the least action required to achieve emotional closure:

• Conserves emotional energy
• Avoids creating new problems
• Focuses on resolution rather than retaliation

Identifying your MER:

1. What action can you take to resolve this pain?
2. How would you feel if you achieved this action?
3. Does this feeling match what you want to feel?
4. Is there a more economical action that would give the same result?

Forgiveness as a key component:

• Not about condoning harmful actions
• A choice to free yourself from negative emotions
• Essential for moving forward and reclaiming your authentic self

By implementing MER and practicing forgiveness, you can release the emotional burdens of past experiences and create space for more authentic living. This process allows you to close chapters of pain and focus on writing new, more empowering stories for your life.

Last updated: January 22, 2025