Self-Therapy, Vol. 3

1. Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a powerful approach to healing and personal growth

IFS is a powerful form of individual therapy developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD, that has been spreading rapidly around the United States and the world, especially since 2005.

Core concept: IFS views the psyche as composed of multiple parts or subpersonalities. These parts fall into three categories:

• Exiles: Wounded, young parts carrying pain from the past
• Managers: Protective parts that try to keep exiles suppressed and control our lives
• Firefighters: Reactive protectors that emerge when exiles are activated

Key steps in IFS therapy:

1. Identify and access a part
2. Unblend from the part to access Self
3. Get to know the part's positive intent
4. Witness the part's pain or fears
5. Retrieve and unburden exiles
6. Transform the role of protectors

IFS helps individuals develop Self-leadership, allowing them to heal wounded parts and transform protective behaviors. This approach can lead to greater self-awareness, emotional regulation, and overall well-being.

2. Understanding and working with your Inner Critic can lead to self-acceptance and empowerment

An Inner Critic part is actually an IFS protector, which means that it is trying to help you by protecting you from pain or harm.

Seven types of Inner Critics:

• The Perfectionist
• The Inner Controller
• The Taskmaster
• The Underminer
• The Destroyer
• The Guilt Tripper
• The Conformist

Transforming the Inner Critic:

1. Access and unblend from the Critic
2. Understand its positive intent
3. Develop a trusting relationship with it
4. Heal the exile it's protecting
5. Help the Critic let go of its role

Developing an Inner Champion and Inner Mentor can provide positive alternatives to the Critic's harsh judgments. These supportive inner voices can encourage self-acceptance, growth, and realistic self-assessment without undermining self-esteem.

3. Overcoming procrastination involves addressing underlying fears and healing exiles

Procrastination usually happens out of awareness, except for those situations where you sit down to do a task and can't bring yourself to get started.

Common fears behind procrastination:

• Fear of failure
• Fear of success
• Fear of visibility or power
• Fear of judgment or ridicule

To overcome procrastination:

1. Identify the Procrastinator Part
2. Unblend from it and any concerned parts
3. Understand its positive intent and fears
4. Heal the exile(s) it's protecting
5. Develop the Work Confidence Capacity

Address any polarization between the Procrastinator and Taskmaster parts through dialogue and cooperation. This can lead to a more balanced approach to work and productivity.

4. Eating issues often stem from conflicts about needs and can be resolved through IFS

If you have a food addiction, you may not recognize when you are really hungry, what you are hungry for, and when you are full.

Key parts involved in eating issues:

• The Indulger: Overeats to soothe or numb pain
• The Food Controller: Tries to restrict eating through criticism
• The Foggy Part: Causes dissociation around eating
• The Rebel: Defies restrictions around food

To resolve eating issues:

1. Work with each part to understand its positive intent
2. Heal the exiles these parts are protecting
3. Develop the Conscious Consumption Capacity
4. Cultivate the Pleasure Capacity

Addressing underlying needs and developing a healthier relationship with food and pleasure can lead to sustainable changes in eating habits.

5. Perfectionism can be transformed by developing the Ease Capacity

Excellence doesn't simply mean a lack of mistakes. It is much more than that—creativity, presence, innovation, and so on.

Types of Perfectionism:

• The Not-Enough Perfectionist
• The Creative Block Perfectionist
• The Control Perfectionist
• Inner Critic Perfectionism

To transform Perfectionism:

1. Identify the Perfectionist Part
2. Understand its fears and positive intent
3. Heal the exile(s) it's protecting
4. Develop the Ease Capacity

The Ease Capacity involves:

• Accomplishing tasks without stress or striving
• Recognizing when something is "good enough"
• Balancing work with other aspects of life
• Trusting in your ability to produce excellent work over time

Cultivating Ease allows for high-quality work without the excessive pressure and self-criticism of Perfectionism.

6. Depression is multifaceted and can be addressed by healing exiles and developing Aliveness

Depression can feel very biological, even when it isn't. Even depression that is purely psychological in origin can feel as though it comes from deep in your body, not your mind.

Types of depressing parts:

• Protectors that block hope
• Protectors that depress energy
• Inner Critics (Underminer and Destroyer)
• Depressed Exiles (Shame and Deprivation Wounds)

Addressing depression through IFS:

1. Identify depressing protectors and their positive intent
2. Heal the exiles they're protecting
3. Transform the role of Inner Critics
4. Process unresolved grief
5. Develop the Aliveness Capacity

The Aliveness Capacity involves self-acceptance, vitality, hope, and the ability to engage fully in life. Cultivating Aliveness can provide a powerful antidote to depression.

7. Anger management requires understanding its roots and developing healthy expression

Anger is a natural protective reaction to injustice, boundary violations, mistreatment, or frustration of one's aims.

Types of anger in IFS:

• Protector anger (acted out or suppressed)
• Disowned anger
• Exile anger

Addressing anger through IFS:

1. Identify the type of anger and its source
2. Work with Inner Controllers that suppress anger
3. Re-own disowned anger to develop Strength
4. Heal exiles protected by angry parts
5. Develop the Restraint Capacity

Balancing healthy anger expression with restraint allows for assertiveness and boundary-setting without harmful outbursts. The ultimate goal is to transform anger into Strength and develop Forgiveness.

8. The Passive-Aggressive Pattern can be resolved by developing Assertiveness

If you have the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, you act in a way that looks agreeable and pleasing on the surface, but in the end your behavior hurts and frustrates people.

Components of Passive-Aggression:

• People-Pleasing Part
• Passive-Aggressive Part (unconscious defiance)
• Disowned anger

To resolve Passive-Aggression:

1. Work with the People-Pleasing Part
2. Heal the exile(s) it's protecting
3. Address the Passive-Aggressive Part and its exiles
4. Develop the Assertiveness Capacity

Assertiveness involves:

• Knowing and expressing your feelings, thoughts, and desires
• Setting boundaries and saying no when necessary
• Taking action and risks to achieve goals
• Balancing self-expression with consideration for others

Developing Assertiveness allows for direct, honest communication and reduces the need for indirect, harmful behaviors.

9. Conflicts in relationships often involve triggering each other's protectors and exiles

When a couple gets into a repeated intractable conflict, it is usually because they are triggering each other's protectors and exiles.

Common patterns in relationship conflicts:

• Angry Pattern
• Judgmental Pattern
• Distancing Pattern
• Controlling Pattern

To understand and resolve conflicts:

1. Identify the sequence of parts triggered in both partners
2. Recognize the wounds beneath protective reactions
3. Develop empathy for each other's exiles
4. Learn to communicate from Self rather than triggered parts

Understanding these dynamics can help couples break free from destructive cycles and develop more compassionate, effective ways of relating.

10. Skillful communication is key to resolving conflicts and strengthening relationships

Your goal in listening is to understand what your partner is experiencing and for your partner to realize that you do.

Key aspects of skillful communication:

1. Expressing yourself:

   • Describe behavior objectively
   • Speak for parts, not as them
   • Make clear requests

2. Listening:

   • Focus on understanding your partner's experience
   • Reflect back what you've heard
   • Make guesses about feelings if unclear

3. Accessing Self:

   • Recognize when you're triggered
   • Use grounding techniques to return to Self
   • Take time-outs when necessary

4. Repairing relationships:

   • Offer understanding and empathy
   • Apologize when appropriate
   • Reach out for connection

Practicing skillful communication can lead to deeper understanding, stronger connections, and more satisfying relationships. It requires ongoing effort and self-awareness but can dramatically improve the quality of interactions and overall relationship satisfaction.

Last updated: August 9, 2024