Self-Therapy, Vol. 2

1. Recognize and resolve inner conflicts through polarization work

When the Self can hold space for two polarized parts to work together, a dynamic, transformative process results.

Polarization occurs when two parts of your psyche are in conflict, each believing it must take an extreme stance to counter the other. This internal struggle often leads to dysfunctional behaviors and emotional turmoil. The IFS approach to resolving polarization involves:

1. Identifying the polarized parts
2. Unblending from each part to access Self
3. Getting to know each part's role and positive intent
4. Facilitating a dialogue between the parts
5. Negotiating a resolution

By developing a trusting relationship with each part and helping them understand each other's concerns, you can foster cooperation and integration. This process often leads to creative solutions that honor the positive intentions of both parts while allowing for more balanced and healthy behaviors.

2. Update protectors about your current capacities to promote cooperation

Our protectors are stuck in the past; they believe that we are little children who are vulnerable and have few internal or external resources for handling problematic situations.

Updating is crucial for helping protector parts recognize your current capabilities and resources as an adult. Many protectors formed their protective strategies when you were young and vulnerable, and they may not realize how much you've grown and changed. The updating process involves:

• Showing the protector scenes from your life that demonstrate growth and maturity
• Highlighting your current strengths, skills, and support systems
• Explaining how your Self is now present and capable of handling challenges

By helping protectors understand your current capacities, you can often gain their cooperation in allowing you to face situations they previously deemed too dangerous. This can lead to more flexible and adaptive responses to life's challenges.

3. Negotiate with protectors for healthy behavior in challenging situations

The way you negotiate depends on the circumstances.

Negotiating for Self-leadership is a powerful technique for encouraging protectors to allow healthier behaviors, especially when there isn't time to fully heal the underlying exiles. This process involves:

1. Developing a trusting relationship with the protector
2. Identifying the protector's specific fears about a situation
3. Addressing those fears realistically
4. Formulating a plan for handling potential challenges
5. Explaining the benefits of allowing Self to lead

When a protector's fears are unrealistic, you can often reassure it by explaining how the current situation differs from past trauma. For somewhat realistic fears, develop a concrete plan to address potential issues. By demonstrating that you can handle challenges safely and effectively, you increase the protector's willingness to relax its grip and allow for healthier responses.

4. Identify and work with Self-like parts to maintain true Self leadership

Some parts think they are the Self. This means that when you are blended with such a part, you think you are in Self, and you don't recognize the limitations of the part you are blended with.

Self-like parts can derail the IFS process by masquerading as Self while actually maintaining limiting beliefs or behaviors. Common types of Self-like parts include:

• Dominant Self-like Parts
• Judgmental Parts
• Intellectualizers
• Impatient Parts
• Agenda-Driven Parts
• Pretend-Therapy Parts
• Guarded Parts
• Inner Caretakers

To work effectively with Self-like parts:

1. Learn to recognize their distinctive traits and behaviors
2. Gently ask them to step aside when identified
3. Address their underlying fears and concerns
4. Cultivate true Self qualities like curiosity, compassion, and patience

By maintaining awareness of Self-like parts and helping them relax their grip, you can ensure that your IFS work is guided by genuine Self energy, leading to more profound and lasting transformation.

5. Track your IFS sessions and parts for continued progress

I recommend that you spend some time right after each IFS session taking notes about what happened in the session and also keeping track of the different parts that emerged.

Tracking sessions and parts is essential for maximizing the benefits of IFS work. This practice helps you:

• Remember important insights and breakthroughs
• Follow up with parts that need attention
• Pick up where you left off in previous sessions
• Recognize patterns and progress over time

Keep two types of notes:

1. Session notes: Record main parts worked with, key events, and progress made
2. Part information sheets: Maintain detailed information about each significant part, including its role, fears, beliefs, and progress in the IFS process

By consistently tracking your IFS work, you create a valuable resource for deepening your self-understanding and guiding future sessions.

6. Distinguish between managers and firefighters for targeted interventions

Managers try to arrange your life and psyche so that the pain of your exiles never arises.

Understanding the differences between manager and firefighter protectors allows for more effective interventions:

Managers:

• Proactive and preventive
• Often more common and easier to work with
• Examples: Inner Critics, People-Pleasers, Perfectionists

Firefighters:

• Reactive and impulsive
• Attempt to squash or distract from exile pain
• Examples: Addictive behaviors, Rage, Dissociation

When working with firefighters:

1. Be patient and allow time for trust-building
2. Recognize that they may be less verbal
3. Appreciate their positive intent despite destructive behaviors
4. Help them find healthier ways to address exile pain

By tailoring your approach to the specific type of protector, you can more effectively address their concerns and promote healing.

7. Trust the IFS process and avoid agenda-driven or impatient approaches

When you are truly in Self, you are content to begin at a trailhead of your choosing and see what unfolds.

Trusting the process is crucial for effective IFS work. Resist the temptation to:

• Push for quick results
• Rigidly adhere to preconceived ideas about where a session should go
• Fake progress to please yourself or others

Instead, cultivate:

• Patience and openness to unexpected directions
• Genuine curiosity about each part's perspective
• Willingness to spend time with parts that seem to be "getting in the way"

Remember that the fastest way to resolve issues is often to work slowly and respectfully with all parts involved. By trusting the natural unfolding of the IFS process, you allow for deeper insights, more genuine healing, and lasting transformation.

Last updated: August 9, 2024