Setting Boundaries That Stick

1. Boundaries are about what you do, not what others do

Boundaries between yourself and others will guide you to respond to them in ways that are clear and compassionate.

Define your actions. When setting boundaries, focus on your own behavior rather than trying to control others. This approach empowers you and puts you in charge of your own well-being. For example, instead of demanding someone stop yelling, you might say, "If yelling continues, I will leave the room for 15 minutes."

Six steps to setting boundaries:

1. Find your big why
2. Define your action
3. Anticipate potential responses
4. Anticipate your own reactions
5. Create a self-soothing plan
6. Say it again and follow through

By following these steps, you can clearly communicate your limits while respecting others' autonomy. Remember, boundaries are not about getting others to behave a certain way, but about how you respond to protect yourself and maintain your integrity.

2. Discernment and listening with acceptance form psychological boundaries

Your psychological boundary will help you hold the fact that there are multiple ways of seeing the world, and that's okay—it's actually good.

Practice discernment. This involves asking yourself two key questions when faced with information or feelings from others: "Is it true?" and "Is it about me?" If the answer to either question is no, you don't need to take it in. This helps protect your mind from unnecessary hurt or influence.

Listen with acceptance. This means witnessing others' feelings and thoughts without trying to change them. Recognize that everyone's emotions are functional and trying to help them, even if they're difficult. By accepting others' experiences without judgment, you create a safer space for communication and connection.

To reinforce your psychological boundary:

• Develop a unique boundary image or metaphor
• Practice visualizing this image between you and others
• Use it regularly to strengthen your sense of self and protection

3. The containing boundary pauses between feeling and action

Self-compassion activates gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), an inhibitory neurotransmitter, in your subcortical brain, particularly to the areas that process fear and pain.

Create a pause. The containing boundary involves adding a mental and time pause between what you feel and what you do. This allows you to align your actions with your values and intentions, rather than reacting impulsively.

Key elements of the containing boundary:

1. Identify your personal integrity values
2. Determine your relational intention values
3. Create a self-compassion gesture
4. Use your values and gesture to pause and reflect before acting

By practicing this pause, you can respond to situations more thoughtfully and in line with your true self. Remember, self-compassion is more effective than willpower or harsh self-criticism in creating lasting change.

4. Physical boundaries protect your body and sense of safety

Your brain's safety system is tracking your body and environment in this very moment to make sure you are safe enough.

Recognize your edges. Physical boundaries start with acknowledging where your body ends and the world begins. Practice exercises like outlining your body with colored light in your mind or pushing away objects to reinforce your sense of physical space and safety.

Techniques for strengthening physical boundaries:

• Color boundary outline visualization
• "You've got your back" wall exercise
• Making space for yourself with pillows
• Finding your ideal closeness or distance with yarn

These practices help you communicate with your brain stem, which constantly assesses your safety. By reinforcing your physical boundaries, you increase your sense of protection and empowerment, leading to more integrated brain states and better overall well-being.

5. Internal boundaries support external boundary-setting

When you protect yourself, psychologically, physically, and interpersonally, you are treating yourself like a person worthy of protecting.

Integrate your boundaries. Using psychological, containing, and physical boundaries together provides a strong foundation for setting and maintaining external boundaries. This integration helps you stay grounded and clear when communicating your needs to others.

Steps to integrate your boundaries:

1. Use your physical boundary to feel safe in your body
2. Employ your psychological boundary image to maintain discernment
3. Apply your containing boundary pause to align with your values
4. Communicate your external boundary clearly and compassionately

By strengthening your internal boundaries, you increase your ability to set and maintain external boundaries effectively, even in challenging situations.

6. Self-compassion is key to maintaining boundaries

Self-compassion is not the same as being easy on ourselves. It's a way of nurturing ourselves so that we can reach our full potential.

Cultivate kindness toward yourself. Self-compassion is crucial for maintaining boundaries and making lasting changes. Instead of using harsh self-criticism or willpower, approach yourself with understanding and care.

Ways to practice self-compassion:

• Develop a compassionate gesture (e.g., hand on heart)
• Use kind self-talk and reminders of your values
• Recognize that everyone struggles and makes mistakes
• Treat yourself as you would a good friend

By fostering self-compassion, you create a supportive internal environment that makes it easier to set and maintain boundaries, even when faced with challenges or pushback from others.

7. Clear communication of boundaries strengthens relationships

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

Be direct and honest. Clearly communicating your boundaries is an act of love and respect, both for yourself and others. It allows for authentic connection and reduces misunderstandings and resentment.

Tips for clear boundary communication:

• State what is okay and not okay for you
• Express your actions, not demands on others
• Use "I" statements to own your feelings and needs
• Be concise and avoid over-explaining

Remember that setting boundaries may initially cause discomfort or resistance, but it ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.

8. Boundaries allow for vulnerability and deeper connections

Naming your requests and boundaries is vulnerable. Ultimately, it is an act of love that you do to strengthen and protect a relationship.

Risk openness. Boundaries provide the safety and trust necessary to be vulnerable with others. By knowing your limits and being able to communicate them, you create a secure foundation for sharing more of yourself.

Steps to increase vulnerability:

1. Identify what you want to share but have been holding back
2. Use your psychological boundary to feel protected
3. Employ your containing boundary to pause and align with your values
4. Communicate openly, using your boundary-setting skills

By combining clear boundaries with vulnerability, you create opportunities for deeper, more authentic connections in your relationships.

9. Setting boundaries with yourself promotes personal growth

You can use the six steps internally to make behavior changes, set boundaries with yourself, and reach your goals.

Apply boundaries to self-improvement. Use the same boundary-setting techniques to make positive changes in your own behavior and thought patterns. This can help you break harmful habits, quiet your inner critic, and achieve personal goals.

Areas for self-boundary setting:

• Changing unwanted behaviors
• Managing your inner critic
• Announcing personal changes to others
• Increasing self-care and self-respect

By treating yourself with the same respect and clarity you use in setting boundaries with others, you create a powerful framework for personal growth and self-actualization.

Last updated: October 8, 2024