Key Takeaways
1. Singlism: Recognizing and Naming the Bias
I named the bias of singlism to make it more recognizable, in hopes that every time the word was uttered or read, a puff of old-fashioned consciousness-raising would waft through the air.
Defining Singlism. Singlism is the stigmatizing of adults who are single, encompassing negative stereotyping and discrimination. It's a bias often unrecognized, unlike more familiar prejudices like racism or sexism. Naming this bias is the first step toward acknowledging and addressing it.
The Dark Side of Singlehood. While single life can be joyous and fulfilling, there's also a dark side: the negative assumptions, expectations, and treatment single individuals face. This includes being asked intrusive questions, being expected to work late, and facing financial penalties.
Beyond Not Having "The One." Singlism is not simply about not having a romantic partner. It's about the systemic disadvantages and negative perceptions that come with being single, regardless of whether someone desires a relationship. It's about challenging the assumption that single people are somehow incomplete or lacking.
2. Singles Face Stereotypes and Discrimination
People who do not have a serious coupled relationship (my definition, for now, of single people) are stereotyped, discriminated against, and treated dismissively.
Negative Stereotypes. Single people are often stereotyped as immature, insecure, self-centered, unhappy, and lonely. These stereotypes are pervasive and can affect how single individuals are treated in various aspects of life. Studies show that these perceptions exist despite evidence to the contrary.
Legal and Institutional Discrimination. Discrimination against single people is often legal, with many states offering no protection from marital status discrimination. This includes unequal compensation in the workplace, lack of access to benefits, and discriminatory practices in housing. Federal laws also favor married people, creating a system of legalized discrimination.
Housing Discrimination. Research has demonstrated housing discrimination against singles, with rental agents often preferring married couples over single individuals or unmarried couples. This bias can make it more difficult for singles to find suitable housing. This is often justified by the perception that married couples are more stable and responsible.
3. Marriage Isn't a Guarantee of Happiness or Health
Getting married does not make people lastingly happier or definitively healthier either.
Challenging the Marital Mythology. The glorification of marriage often leads to the belief that it is the key to lasting happiness and health. However, research suggests that getting married does not result in lasting improvements in well-being, and people who have always been single are not very different in health or happiness from people who have been continuously married.
Longitudinal Studies. Longitudinal studies show that people who get married experience a small increase in happiness around the time of the wedding, but their happiness soon returns to pre-marriage levels. This challenges the notion that marriage is a transformative experience that leads to lasting happiness.
Diversified Relationships. Singles often maintain a diversified relationship portfolio, investing in friendships, family, and other connections rather than solely relying on one person. This can lead to a fulfilling and supportive social life, even without a romantic partner. It's about resilience, not victimization.
4. Singlism Manifests in Politics and Religion
With political strategists targeting unmarried voters (especially women) as a key to the 2008 presidential election, it is time for politicians to respect Americans’ real lives.
Political Disregard. Politicians often overlook the needs and concerns of unmarried voters, focusing instead on married couples and families. This is despite the fact that unmarried women, along with young people and people of color, make up a significant portion of the voting-eligible population.
The Marriage Gap. The marriage gap, the difference between how unmarried and married women register and vote, is often more determinative than the gender gap. This highlights the importance of understanding and engaging unmarried voters in politics.
Religious Prejudice. Some religious institutions exhibit prejudice against single individuals, particularly single pastors. This prejudice is often based on unfounded fears and stereotypes, rather than actual evidence or experience. It's about challenging the assumption that marriage is the only path to serving society and God.
5. Economic Disparities Impact Single Individuals
There is never a single person’s bonus - that is, a single person never pays less relative to a couple, whether married or unmarried, with the same amount of income as the single person.
Tax Penalties. Single individuals often pay more in income taxes than married couples filing jointly, even with the same taxable income. This is due to the structure of the tax system, which often favors couples. The real penalty is a singles penalty, not a marriage penalty.
Benefit Disparities. Spouses of veterans and federal employees are eligible for financial, medical, and other benefits simply because they're married. Single individuals do not have access to these same benefits, even if they have other dependents or caregiving responsibilities.
The High Cost of Single Life. Single individuals often pay more for health insurance, travel packages, and other goods and services than married couples. This is due to the prevalence of "single supplements" and discounts for couples. It's about recognizing that singles subsidize the discounts that go to couples.
6. The Media Perpetuates Singlist Stereotypes
People who are single are targets of singlism: negative stereotypes and discrimination.
Negative Portrayals. The media often portrays single people in a negative light, depicting them as lonely, miserable, and incomplete. This reinforces harmful stereotypes and contributes to the stigmatization of single life.
The "Spinster" Trope. The image of the "spinster" as a cranky, frigid, and unlovable hag is a persistent stereotype in media and popular culture. This stereotype is often used to denigrate unmarried women and reinforce the idea that marriage is the only path to happiness.
Ignoring Single People's Realities. The media often focuses on marriage and traditional family structures, neglecting the realities and experiences of single people. This can make single individuals feel invisible and overlooked. It's about challenging the assumption that what single people want, more than anything else, is to become unsingle.
7. Internalized Singlism Affects Self-Perception
I’m a loser, I’m not married, let’s all just look at me.
Internalizing Negative Messages. Single individuals often internalize the negative stereotypes and messages they receive from society, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. This internalized singlism can be just as damaging as external discrimination.
Feeling Visible and Invisible. Single individuals often feel both overly visible and invisible, as they are simultaneously scrutinized for their single status and overlooked in discussions about relationships and family. This can lead to feelings of vulnerability and isolation.
Challenging Internalized Beliefs. Overcoming internalized singlism involves challenging negative beliefs about single life and recognizing the value and worth of single individuals. It's about slaying the feeling that there is something wrong with being single.
8. Activism and Resistance are Essential to Change
Everyday acts of resistance to singlism matter, too.
Everyday Acts of Resistance. Challenging singlism can take many forms, from everyday acts of resistance to organized activism. This includes speaking out against discriminatory practices, challenging stereotypes, and valuing all of the important people and relationships in our lives.
Singles Activists. Activists such as Thomas F. Coleman and Nicky Grist have pursued various routes of creating change, including lobbying, advocacy, and education. Their work has helped to raise awareness of singlism and promote fair treatment for single individuals.
The Importance of Visibility. Making single people and their concerns visible is crucial for creating change. This includes including marital status in exit polls, challenging discriminatory language, and promoting positive representations of single life in the media.
9. Understanding the Psychology Behind Singlism
Why People Cling to Mythologies about Marriage and Coupling: Consider This
System Justification Theory. System justification theory suggests that people are motivated to defend and justify the status quo, including the glorification of marriage and coupling. This can lead to the derogation of single individuals whose lives challenge that belief system.
Threats to Beliefs. When people's beliefs about the fairness of society are threatened, they may cling even more strongly to mythologies about marriage and coupling. This is particularly true for men.
The Role of Identity. For women, romantic relationships are often central to their identity. As a result, they may be more likely to defend their own romantic relationships when their beliefs about the fairness of society are threatened.
10. Valuing All Relationships, Not Just Romantic Ones
A singlist view is a narrow one, in which one sexual partnership is valued and celebrated, and all other adult relationships are demoted and sometimes even denigrated.
Beyond the Conjugal Ideal. A singlist view is a narrow one, in which one sexual partnership is valued and celebrated, and all other adult relationships are demoted and sometimes even denigrated. It's about recognizing that there are many ways to lead a meaningful life, and that romantic relationships are not the only source of fulfillment.
The Importance of Friendships. Friendships, family ties, and other non-romantic relationships are often undervalued in a society that prioritizes romantic partnerships. It's about urging our fellow humans to value all of the important people and relationships in our lives.
Emotional Independence. Emotional independence is a valuable trait that allows individuals to thrive regardless of their relationship status. It's about recognizing that we can be whole and complete without a romantic partner.
Last updated:
FAQ
1. What is Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It by Bella DePaulo about?
- Definition and Focus: The book explores the concept of singlism, which is the stigmatizing, stereotyping, and discrimination against people who are single, whether never married, divorced, or widowed.
- Scope of Discrimination: It details how singles face disadvantages in laws, the workplace, housing, and social attitudes, often in ways that are unrecognized or considered legitimate.
- Debunking Myths: Bella DePaulo challenges common cultural myths about singles, showing that many singles lead happy, fulfilling lives.
- Call for Change: The book advocates for greater social awareness, policy reform, and respect for singles’ rights and diverse relationships.
2. Why should I read Singlism by Bella DePaulo?
- Challenge Societal Biases: The book helps readers recognize and question ingrained prejudices against singles, which are often invisible or normalized.
- Empowerment for Singles: It offers validation and support for singles, encouraging pride, self-acceptance, and resistance to social pressure.
- Policy and Social Insight: Readers gain an understanding of the legal and institutional inequities singles face, and learn about ways to advocate for fair treatment.
- Broader Relevance: The book is valuable for anyone interested in social justice, equality, and the impact of cultural norms on personal well-being.
3. What is "singlism" as defined by Bella DePaulo in Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It?
- Definition of Singlism: Singlism is the negative stereotyping, stigmatizing, and discrimination of adults who are single, based solely on their relationship status.
- Scope and Manifestations: It includes assumptions that singles are immature, lonely, or incomplete, and appears in social expectations, economic disadvantages, and legal inequalities.
- Comparison to Other Isms: Unlike racism or sexism, singlism is less visible but still pervasive, embedded in laws, policies, and cultural norms.
- Purpose of the Term: DePaulo coined the term to raise awareness about this widespread but overlooked form of bias.
4. What are the key concepts and definitions in Singlism by Bella DePaulo?
- Singlism: The central concept, referring to the stereotyping and discrimination against single people.
- Matrimania: The cultural obsession with marriage and coupled relationships, which fuels singlism by idealizing marriage as the only valid adult status.
- Internalized Singlism: When singles themselves absorb and accept negative stereotypes about singlehood, undermining their self-esteem and happiness.
- Diversified Relationship Portfolios: The idea that singles often have rich networks of friendships and family ties that fulfill their social and emotional needs.
5. What are the main myths about single people that Bella DePaulo debunks in Singlism?
- Myth of Loneliness: Singles are often assumed to be lonely and unhappy, but research shows they report similar happiness and self-esteem as married people.
- Myth of Immaturity: Singles are stereotyped as immature or self-centered, yet studies find no significant personality differences between singles and coupled individuals.
- Myth of Incompleteness: The book challenges the idea that singles lack meaningful relationships or a fulfilling life, emphasizing their rich social networks and pursuits.
- Myth of Marriage as Cure-All: DePaulo disputes the belief that marriage is necessary for happiness and health, citing minimal actual differences between singles and married people.
6. How does Singlism by Bella DePaulo explain the legal and economic disadvantages singles face?
- Federal Law Bias: Over 1,000 federal laws grant benefits and privileges to married couples, excluding singles from tax breaks, Social Security, and health insurance advantages.
- Tax Penalties: Singles often pay more in income taxes than married couples with the same taxable income, creating a "singles penalty."
- Housing and Employment Discrimination: Many states allow marital status discrimination in housing and employment, with singles sometimes denied rentals or job benefits.
- Marketplace Inequities: Singles may pay more for goods and services due to the "single supplement" and receive fewer workplace benefits.
7. What evidence does Bella DePaulo present in Singlism about stereotyping and discrimination against single people?
- Negative Stereotypes: Studies show singles are perceived as immature, lonely, or self-centered, while married people are seen as mature and stable.
- Housing Discrimination: Experimental studies reveal rental agents often prefer married couples over singles, explicitly citing marital status.
- Unacknowledged Bias: Many singles and society at large do not recognize singlism as discrimination, which perpetuates the problem.
- Workplace and Social Exclusion: Singles are expected to cover for married colleagues and are often marginalized in social and professional settings.
8. How does Singlism by Bella DePaulo address the internalized singlism singles may experience?
- Recognizing Internalized Bias: Singles may absorb societal stereotypes, feeling incomplete or less worthy because of their status.
- Strategies for Overcoming: The book suggests mindfulness, self-awareness, and reframing negative self-talk to combat internalized singlism.
- Community Support: Building friendships and supportive networks helps singles affirm their value and resist cultural stigmatization.
- Empowerment Through Knowledge: Understanding the roots and realities of singlism can help singles reject harmful narratives.
9. What are some examples of singlism in everyday life and culture according to Bella DePaulo?
- Media and Advertising: Singles are often invisible or negatively portrayed, with stories and ads focusing on couples and families.
- Healthcare and Emergency Rooms: Singles may be denied visitation or decision-making rights in hospitals unless they are immediate family.
- Workplace Discrimination: Singles are expected to work longer hours or cover holidays and receive fewer benefits than married colleagues.
- Social Interactions: Singles face intrusive questions and micro-inequities, such as being asked "Why are you single?" or being excluded from social events.
10. What historical perspectives on singlism does Bella DePaulo discuss in Singlism?
- Spinster Stereotype: Unmarried women were once respected as "spinsters," but the term became stigmatizing over time, associated with negative traits.
- Protestant Reformation Impact: Martin Luther’s promotion of marriage as a social and religious ideal contributed to the marginalization of single women.
- Feminism and Single Women: First-wave feminists included many single women, but later feminist movements often neglected singles, contributing to their invisibility in social justice efforts.
- Cultural Lag: Negative perceptions of singles may reflect outdated beliefs that have not kept pace with social changes.
11. What solutions and activism does Bella DePaulo propose in Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It?
- Consciousness-Raising: Increasing awareness about singlism among singles and the broader public is essential to challenge stereotypes and discrimination.
- Advocacy Groups: Supporting organizations like the Alternatives to Marriage Project (AtMP) and Unmarried America can help push for legal reforms and social change.
- Policy Reform: The book calls for removing marital status as a criterion for benefits and rights, advocating for recognition of diverse relationships and individual rights.
- Everyday Resistance: Singles can resist singlism by questioning assumptions, refusing stereotypes, and sharing personal stories to build recognition.
12. What are the best quotes from Singlism by Bella DePaulo and what do they mean?
- “Being gay and single is the new smoking.” (Paul Rudnick) — Highlights how single gay men face stigma similar to other marginalized groups, emphasizing the social challenges of singlism beyond heterosexual singles.
- “I will, in my deepest feelings, know that it’s okay to be single and, becoming braver, know that it’s even more than okay - it can be a great and untapped opportunity for continuous personal growth.” (Marie Barbare Edwards’ 1974 Singles Manifesto) — Encourages singles to embrace their status as a positive and empowering life choice.
- “Marriage is not the only worthy form of family or relationship, and it should not be legally and economically privileged above all others.” (Beyond Marriage statement) — Calls for legal recognition and fairness for diverse family and relationship forms beyond traditional marriage.
- Empowerment and Inclusion: These quotes collectively urge society to value all adult relationships and affirm the dignity and worth of single individuals.
Review Summary
Readers find Singlism informative and thought-provoking, appreciating its wide-ranging examination of issues facing single people. Many praise the book for challenging societal norms and highlighting discrimination against singles. Some readers note the repetitive nature of the content due to its blog post format. Overall, reviewers value the book's perspective on single life, finding it empowering and eye-opening. The book receives mostly positive ratings, with some criticism of its structure and editing.
About the Author
Other books by Bella DePaulo
Download PDF
Download EPUB
.epub digital book format is ideal for reading ebooks on phones, tablets, and e-readers.
