Single at Heart

1. Single at Heart is a genuine identity, not a default or a phase.

For us, single life is our best life.

It's an authentic choice. "Single at heart" describes people for whom single life is their most authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling way to live, not a temporary state or a fallback. Unlike those single by default or defeat, the single at heart are powerfully drawn to this life and do not wish to "unsingle" themselves. It is as normal and desirable to them as coupled life is to others.

Not defined by lack. This identity is not about being unable to find a partner, having "issues," or being unlucky in love. It is a positive embrace of what single life offers, regardless of past relationship experiences. People who are single at heart savor their single status and don't ever want to change it.

A diverse group. Single at heart individuals come from all walks of life, including different ages, genders, sexual orientations, races, ethnicities, and socioeconomic backgrounds. What unites them is the profound satisfaction and completeness they find in living single, viewing it as their first and best choice for life.

2. Rejecting Compulsory Coupling is key to living authentically.

Coupling is compulsory if you don’t want to seem abnormal, unnatural, or inferior.

Societal pressure is immense. The cultural script relentlessly promotes committed romantic partnership as the normal, natural, and superior way to live, making coupling feel compulsory. This pressure can lead people, even those drawn to single life, to try to conform, often resulting in dissatisfaction or feeling inauthentic. The book argues this is similar to past pressures on women to prioritize domestic life.

Challenging the norm. People who are single at heart reject this compulsory coupling narrative. They refuse to accept that putting a romantic partner at the center of life is something everyone wants or must do. They see this norm as limiting humanity to a single model of adulthood.

Living on your own terms. By pushing back against the couple norm, single at heart individuals free themselves to curate lives based on their own values and desires. They don't define themselves by their relationship status but by pursuing what is most meaningful to them, whether that includes relationships with friends, family, community, passions, or solitude.

3. Freedom is the defining joy and power of single life.

Being single doesn’t limit our lives—it throws them wide open.

Autonomy is paramount. The single at heart consistently highlight freedom as the best aspect of living single. This freedom allows them to make decisions about their daily routines, life-altering transformations, interests, and passions without needing to compromise or resize them to suit a romantic partner. They are the curators of their own lives.

Investing in self and passions. Time, money, and emotional resources that others might devote to pursuing or maintaining a romantic partnership are invested by the single at heart into experiences that make their lives meaningful. This includes:

• Learning new skills
• Pursuing creative endeavors
• Traveling and exploring
• Focusing on meaningful work

Charting a unique course. Free from the predetermined script of conventional coupled life, single at heart individuals chart their own life courses. They define their own stages of life based on personal growth, accomplishments, and experiences, rather than societal expectations like marriage and children. This self-direction leads to a sense of empowerment and psychological richness.

4. Solitude is a cherished source of richness, not feared loneliness.

Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

Sweet solitude. For the single at heart, spending time alone is not a source of anxiety or loneliness, but a deeply cherished experience. They view solitude as inherent to who they are, a necessary space for reflection, creativity, and recharging. This contrasts sharply with the stereotype of single people as perpetually lonely.

A positive choice. Unlike those who are alone unwillingly, the single at heart actively seek and protect their solitude. They are comfortable in their own company and find their alone time fulfilling, whether it's reading, writing, pursuing hobbies, or simply being present with themselves. This positive relationship with solitude is a key indicator of being single at heart.

Benefits of alone time. Research supports the value of chosen solitude, linking it to:

• Increased creativity and focus
• Greater authenticity and self-reflection
• Reduced stress and negative emotions
• Enhanced appreciation for social interactions

The single at heart demonstrate that being alone is not the same as being lonely; it is often a source of peace, productivity, and psychological well-being.

5. "The Ones" - Diverse relationships are prioritized over "The One."

What if friendship, not marriage, was at the center of life?

Beyond the romantic hierarchy. People who are single at heart do not prioritize a single romantic partner above all others. Instead, they value a diverse network of relationships, often referred to as "The Ones." This includes friends, family, chosen family, mentors, colleagues, and even pets. They resist the idea that a romantic partner must be the most important person in their life.

Investing in friendships. Single people, and especially the single at heart, are more likely to maintain strong ties with friends, family, and neighbors compared to coupled individuals. They invest time and emotional energy in these relationships, which provide crucial support, intimacy, and companionship. Studies show that valuing friends is linked to greater happiness for singles.

Chosen families. Many single at heart individuals create "chosen families" with people not related by blood or marriage. These relationships offer deep connection, support, and a sense of belonging, often providing a level of understanding and acceptance that conventional family ties may not. This expansive view of relationships enriches their lives.

6. Single Parenting can be a chosen, fulfilling, and freeing path.

I am so glad that I raised her by myself.

A deliberate choice. While societal pressure often dictates that parenting should occur within marriage, many single at heart individuals choose single parenthood and find it deeply fulfilling. They may pursue this path through choice, adoption, or after divorce, embracing the opportunity to raise children on their own terms. They often build strong, unique bonds with their children.

Advantages of solo parenting. Single at heart parents highlight unexpected benefits, such as:

• Freedom to make all child-rearing decisions
• Creating a strong, uncompromised bond with the child
• Avoiding conflict over parenting styles or household tasks
• Building a supportive "village" of friends and family

Defying stereotypes. Despite negative stereotypes about single-parent families, research shows that children raised by single parents can thrive, often doing as well or better than those in two-parent homes, especially when financial resources and social support are present. Single at heart parents actively cultivate identities and communities outside of their parenting role, contributing to their own and their children's well-being.

7. Intimacy is expansive, transcending conventional romance and sex.

Thinking about intimacy, and practicing intimacy, in bigger, broader ways that transcend the conventions of romance and marriage are at the heart of who we are.

Beyond the conventional. The single at heart define intimacy broadly, encompassing emotional closeness, shared experiences, intellectual connection, and physical touch that is not necessarily sexual or romantic. They find intimacy in diverse relationships, including deep friendships, family bonds, and connections with pets or even nature. This expansive view allows them to experience rich intimate lives without a romantic partner.

Sex on their own terms. While some single at heart individuals are asexual or aromantic, others enjoy sex and romance but prefer not to center their lives around a monogamous romantic relationship. They may engage in casual sex, friends with benefits, or solo polyamory, valuing autonomy and the freedom to explore intimacy without the constraints of the "relationship escalator." Studies show that singles not seeking a partner are often as sexually satisfied as married people.

Sensuous living. Many single at heart people deeply value sensuous experiences beyond sex, such as enjoying food, music, nature, or physical activities. This appreciation for the sensory world contributes to their joy and psychological richness. They find pleasure and fulfillment in everyday moments and personal pursuits, independent of a partner.

8. Aging Single: Later life is often when single people thrive most.

Studies show that it is the people who have stayed single who are most likely to be thriving in later life.

Reaping the rewards. Contrary to dire predictions, older single people, particularly those who have always been single, often report high levels of life satisfaction and well-being. They benefit from:

• Growing numbers of fellow singles their age
• Decreased societal pressure to couple up
• Less desire for a romantic partner
• Increased confidence and authenticity

Prepared for independence. Having spent their lives managing their own affairs and cultivating diverse support networks ("The Ones"), lifelong singles are often better prepared for the challenges of aging than those who relied heavily on a spouse. They are more likely to have established financial security, adapted their homes for aging, and maintained strong connections with friends and family who provide support.

Optimism and resilience. Older single people, including "solo agers" (single, living alone, no children), often exhibit remarkable optimism and resilience. Their ability to navigate life independently and their strong social ties contribute to lower rates of loneliness, depression, and stress compared to some previously married peers. They are living proof that a fulfilling later life does not require a romantic partner.

9. Happy Single People Face Resistance for challenging the status quo.

My own expressions of happiness, I have learned, are sometimes viewed as suspect.

Challenging the narrative. Single people, especially those who are openly happy and content with their single status, often face skepticism and resistance. Their happiness is doubted, and they may be seen as defensive or even threatening. This is because their existence challenges the deeply ingrained cultural belief that romantic coupling is the only path to true happiness and fulfillment.

Stigma and judgment. Happy singles are sometimes judged more harshly than those who express a desire to be coupled. They may be labeled as selfish, insecure, or abnormal simply for wanting to remain single. This emotional resistance stems from the discomfort others feel when their own life choices and the prevailing social norms are implicitly questioned by someone living a different, yet visibly happy, life.

Defying expectations. By living joyful, authentic, and psychologically rich single lives, the single at heart defy societal expectations and prove that a fulfilling life is possible outside the conventional coupled path. Their resilience in the face of stigma is a source of pride and empowers others to question the compulsory nature of coupling and embrace their own authentic desires, whatever they may be.

Last updated: May 7, 2025