Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

1. Confronting death head-on transforms our relationship with mortality

Looking at the body you understand the person is gone, no longer an active player in the game of life. Looking at the body you see yourself, and you know that you, too, will die. The visual is a call to self-awareness. It is the beginning of wisdom.

Death awareness cultivates wisdom. By directly confronting mortality through working in the funeral industry, Caitlin Doughty gained profound insights into life and death. Her experiences handling corpses, performing cremations, and interacting with grieving families challenged her fears and assumptions about death. This exposure allowed her to develop a healthier, more accepting relationship with mortality.

Cultural death denial impoverishes our lives. Modern Western society often shields people from the realities of death, treating it as taboo. This detachment can lead to:

• Increased anxiety about dying
• Difficulty processing grief
• Unrealistic expectations about end-of-life experiences
• Missed opportunities for meaningful rituals and closure

By embracing death as a natural part of life, we can live more fully and approach our own mortality with greater equanimity. Confronting death directly allows us to appreciate life more deeply and make more conscious choices about how we want to live and die.

2. The modern funeral industry often prioritizes profit over meaningful rituals

There is no doubt that the American funeral industry needed a change. What it got, however, was a scorched-earth policy. Mitford lit a match, threw it over her shoulder, and walked away. In her wake, she left a disgruntled public clamoring for cheaper funeral alternatives.

Commercialization undermines meaningful death rituals. The modern funeral industry, driven by profit motives, often pushes expensive products and services that do little to help people process grief or find closure. This commercialization can lead to:

• Standardized, impersonal funeral experiences
• Financial exploitation of grieving families
• Emphasis on preserving the body rather than honoring the person's life
• Disconnect between funeral practices and genuine emotional needs

Alternatives are emerging. In response to dissatisfaction with traditional funeral practices, new approaches are gaining popularity:

• Home funerals and death midwifery
• Green burials and natural decomposition
• Personalized memorial services focused on celebrating life
• DIY and community-led funeral practices

These alternatives often prioritize meaningful rituals, family involvement, and ecological sustainability over profit margins. By reclaiming death care from the commercial funeral industry, people can create more authentic and healing end-of-life experiences.

3. Direct exposure to death and decay challenges cultural taboos

Corpses keep the living tethered to reality. I had lived my entire life up until I began working at Westwind relatively corpse-free. Now I had access to scores of them—stacked in the crematory freezer. They forced me to face my own death and the deaths of those I loved.

Confronting physical death dispels fears. Direct exposure to dead bodies and the process of decay can be initially shocking but ultimately liberating. Doughty's experiences working in a crematory allowed her to overcome her fear and disgust, replacing them with a more grounded understanding of death's physical realities. This exposure can:

• Demystify the dying process
• Reduce anxiety about bodily decay
• Foster a more accepting attitude towards mortality

Cultural avoidance perpetuates fear. Modern society's tendency to hide death and decay from view contributes to widespread death anxiety and denial. By sanitizing and distancing ourselves from corpses, we:

• Maintain unrealistic ideas about death
• Miss opportunities for meaningful engagement with mortality
• Perpetuate harmful myths about the dangers of dead bodies

Doughty argues that reintegrating direct experiences with death into our culture could lead to a healthier, more balanced relationship with mortality. This might involve more open practices around death care, increased education about bodily processes, and normalizing conversations about death and dying.

4. Home funerals and natural burial offer alternatives to traditional practices

Not only is natural burial by far the most ecologically sound way to perish, it doubles down on the fear of fragmentation and loss of control. Making the choice to be naturally buried says, "Not only am I aware that I'm a helpless, fragmented mass of organic matter, I celebrate it. Vive la decay!"

Natural burial reconnects us with nature. Traditional burial practices often involve toxic embalming chemicals, resource-intensive caskets, and permanent internment in cement vaults. Natural or green burial offers an alternative that is both environmentally friendly and psychologically beneficial:

• Bodies decompose naturally, nourishing the ecosystem
• Simpler practices reduce financial and environmental costs
• The process acknowledges our place in the natural cycle of life and death

Home funerals empower families. Taking care of the dead at home, rather than immediately handing bodies over to funeral professionals, can provide important benefits:

• More time to process grief and say goodbye
• Increased sense of agency and involvement in death care
• Opportunity for personalized, meaningful rituals
• Potential cost savings and reduced environmental impact

These alternative practices challenge the norm of outsourcing death care to professionals. By reclaiming these intimate processes, individuals and families can create more personally meaningful and ecologically sustainable end-of-life experiences.

5. The corporatization of death distances us from important end-of-life experiences

Historically, death rituals have, without question, been tied to religious beliefs. But our world is becoming increasingly secular. The fastest-growing religion in America is "no religion"—a group that comprises almost 20 percent of the population in the United States. Even those who identify as having strong religious beliefs often feel their once-strong death rituals have been commoditized and hold less meaning for them.

Profit-driven funeral practices lack meaning. The corporatization of the funeral industry has led to standardized, often impersonal death care practices. This trend:

• Prioritizes efficiency and profit over individual needs
• Removes families from direct involvement in care of the dead
• Replaces culturally significant rituals with generic services

Secular society needs new rituals. As religious affiliation declines, many people find traditional funeral rites less meaningful. This creates a need for:

• New, personalized ways to mark death and remember the deceased
• Rituals that reflect individual values and beliefs
• Practices that foster community support and shared grieving

The challenge is to create new death rituals that provide comfort, meaning, and closure in an increasingly secular world. This might involve adapting traditional practices, creating entirely new ceremonies, or finding ways to make death care more participatory and personalized.

6. Understanding decomposition demystifies the physical realities of death

Botflies can smell a carcass from ten miles away. Chances are they would arrive first to the feast. They would lay their eggs on the outside of my corpse, eggs that would need only a single day to hatch into maggots. The new maggots would tunnel into my body, impervious to the onset of my putrefaction.

Decay is a natural process. Understanding the biological processes of decomposition can help demystify death and reduce fear:

• Bodies naturally break down through predictable stages
• Decomposition plays a vital role in ecosystems
• The process is neither dangerous nor inherently disgusting

Cultural attitudes shape our perceptions. Our reactions to decay are largely culturally conditioned:

• Many societies historically had more direct contact with decomposition
• Modern practices often hide or prevent natural decay
• Learning about decomposition can shift our perspective

By educating ourselves about the realities of bodily decay, we can develop a more grounded and less fearful relationship with death. This knowledge can inform decisions about body disposition and help us approach mortality with greater equanimity.

7. Creating new death rituals can bring meaning to secular end-of-life experiences

Historically, death rituals have, without question, been tied to religious beliefs. But our world is becoming increasingly secular. The fastest-growing religion in America is "no religion"—a group that comprises almost 20 percent of the population in the United States.

Traditional rituals may lack relevance. As society becomes more secular, many people find traditional religious funeral rites less meaningful. This creates a need for new ways to mark death and remember the deceased that are:

• Aligned with personal beliefs and values
• Focused on celebrating the individual's life
• Adaptable to diverse cultural backgrounds

Innovative approaches are emerging. In response to this need, people are creating new death rituals and practices:

• Personalized memorial services incorporating music, art, or nature
• Death cafes and community discussions about mortality
• Eco-friendly disposition options like tree burial or coral reef memorials
• Digital legacies and virtual remembrance spaces

These new rituals aim to provide comfort, foster community support, and create meaningful ways to honor the dead in a secular context. The challenge is to develop practices that resonate emotionally and spiritually without relying on traditional religious frameworks.

8. Preparing for death allows for a more empowered and peaceful passing

The good death includes being prepared to die, with my affairs in order, the good and bad messages delivered that need delivering. The good death means dying while I still have my mind sharp and aware; it also means dying without having to endure large amounts of suffering and pain. The good death means accepting death as inevitable, and not fighting it when the time comes.

Death preparation empowers individuals. By actively preparing for death, people can:

• Ensure their end-of-life wishes are respected
• Reduce anxiety about the unknown
• Create opportunities for meaningful conversations and closure
• Potentially improve the quality of their final days

Practical steps for a "good death":

• Advance care planning (living wills, healthcare proxies)
• Financial and legal preparation
• Emotional and spiritual reflection
• Discussing wishes with loved ones
• Considering body disposition options

Preparing for death doesn't guarantee a peaceful passing, but it can significantly increase the likelihood of a more positive end-of-life experience. By facing mortality directly and making conscious choices, individuals can approach death with greater clarity and acceptance.

Last updated: October 31, 2024