Sober Mercies

1. The Secret Life of High-Functioning Addiction

By the end of our first year of marriage, I had become a sneak, a cheat, and a liar.

Hiding the truth. The author maintained a facade of normalcy while secretly consuming vast amounts of alcohol, far more than her husband or anyone else knew. This involved elaborate rituals of hiding bottles, managing empties, and constantly planning covert drinking opportunities. The effort required became a demanding "part-time job."

Escalating deception. What started as sly overindulgence morphed into a secret obsession fueled by shame and the need to control perceptions. The author lied constantly to her husband, Dave, about her consumption, often blaming external factors or feigning surprise when bottles were found. This deception created a significant emotional distance in their marriage.

Impact on relationships. The author's secret drinking led to frequent, irrational fights with Dave, often triggered by her drunken insecurities. She used his perceived "judgment" as justification for her secrecy and escalating consumption. The addiction became a "secret lover," betraying trust and creating a cycle of conflict and withdrawal.

2. Crisis as a Catalyst for Surrender

But the miracle never came. Only it didn’t arrive like I hoped it would, in the form of dramatic rescue. It came in the form of utter, agonizing defeat.

The breaking point. Despite knowing she was an alcoholic for years, the author resisted seeking help, clinging to the idea that her faith or willpower should be enough. A moment of frantic desperation in a Colorado Kmart, unable to find wine before a social event, highlighted the severity of her dependence and the absurdity of her life.

An unexpected seed. Learning that a seemingly "put together" friend, Susan, was a recovering alcoholic who attended 12-step meetings planted a small seed of possibility. This challenged the author's preconceived notions of what an alcoholic looked like and where help could be found, cracking open her heart to a different path.

Utter defeat. Weeks after Susan's revelation, a morning of intense despair and uncontrollable sobbing led to a moment of true surrender. On her knees, the author pleaded for help, not for a magical cure, but for the willingness to seek treatment. This agonizing defeat, rather than a dramatic rescue, was the miracle that finally prompted her to call her insurance company.

3. Rehab: Finding Unexpected Community in Shared Brokenness

people bond more deeply over shared brokenness than they do over shared beliefs.

Challenging assumptions. The author entered rehab expecting individual therapy to uncover psychological roots of her addiction, viewing other patients as background characters. Instead, she found herself immersed in a group setting, forced to confront her own condescension and realize she was "exactly like every single one of them."

The disease concept. A key lesson was understanding alcoholism as a progressive disease, not just a moral failing. This challenged the author's Christian upbringing, which often framed addiction solely as sin. Learning that addiction, like other diseases, can be triggered by behavior but is still a legitimate illness was a pivotal shift in perspective.

Intimacy in vulnerability. Despite initial discomfort and feeling like an outsider, the forced intimacy of rehab led to deep connections with fellow patients from diverse backgrounds. Sharing shameful secrets and witnessing each other's struggles fostered a unique bond based on shared vulnerability and the common goal of sobriety, a fellowship the author had never experienced before.

4. Early Sobriety: The Disorientation of Living Unaltered

The real problem with getting sober is that you remember why you drank in the first place.

The shock of presence. Returning home after treatment was disorienting. The author felt like a stranger in her own life, confronted by the physical evidence of her past addiction and the stark reality of living without alcohol. Simple activities and interactions with her husband felt awkward and unfamiliar.

Filling the void. Sobriety revealed the vast emptiness that alcohol had previously masked. Days felt long and tedious without the anticipation or consumption of drinks. The author struggled to find new ways to fill her time and cope with ordinary existence, realizing alcohol had been her primary activity and escape.

Rediscovering intimacy. While challenging, sobriety allowed the author and Dave to reconnect on a deeper level. Sober sex, initially awkward, became a way to express genuine affection and be fully present. Dave's relief highlighted how much the addiction had impacted him, revealing the loneliness he experienced while she was checked out.

5. Relapse: A Painful Lesson in Humility and Honesty

I had thought, Take that, buster! But I was the one who ate the fish.

Overconfidence and triggers. Months into sobriety, the author became overconfident, believing she was "way past" being tempted. A trip to New York with her husband and sober friend, where she encouraged Dave to drink socially, exposed her lingering envy and resentment towards "normal" drinkers.

Drinking at Dave. A fight with Dave in the Minneapolis airport, fueled by her own internal struggle and perceived slights, led to a deliberate decision to drink. The author chose to relapse not just for the alcohol, but to punish her husband, a moment of "insanity" she later compared to the absurd act of frying one's own pet fish for revenge.

The cost of dishonesty. The relapse, though brief, shattered the author's illusion of effortless sobriety and highlighted the critical role of honesty. She realized she couldn't maintain sobriety while still harboring secrets and resentments. This painful experience forced her to confront her pride and commit to working the recovery program fully, including getting a sponsor and taking the steps.

6. Deeper Recovery: Facing Wrongs and Making Amends

Transformation wasn’t going to come through my trying harder to fix myself.

Beyond willpower. The relapse underscored that sobriety wasn't just about not drinking; it required a fundamental internal shift. The author realized her Christian background and supportive husband weren't substitutes for actively working the 12 steps, which she had previously avoided.

Fearless moral inventory. Step 4 required listing resentments and identifying her "part" in past conflicts, a challenging task for someone who saw herself as the victim. This process, guided by her sponsor, Kate, revealed deep-seated hurts and character defects like dishonesty, selfishness, and arrogance that alcohol had exacerbated but not created.

Making amends. Step 9 involved directly apologizing to those she had harmed, starting with Dave and her children. This was humbling and painful, forcing her to admit specific wrongdoings like driving drunk with her kids or lying about money spent on alcohol. Unexpected grace received during amends, like from an author she'd deceived, demonstrated the transformative power of honesty and humility.

7. Faith Reimagined: Discovering Grace Beyond Beliefs

Maybe I could rediscover God as I didn’t understand him—and arrive somewhere closer to the truth?

Dogma vs. experience. The author's Christian faith, previously a source of identity and perceived spiritual expertise, had become a barrier. She realized she had prioritized intellectual belief and being "right" about God over a genuine, dependent relationship. Her faith hadn't saved her from alcoholism, leading to cynicism.

God in unexpected places. Recovery meetings, filled with people from diverse or non-traditional spiritual backgrounds, became unexpected sites of grace. Witnessing others rely on a "God as they understood Him" with simple, desperate faith challenged the author's rigid theological framework and revealed a more accessible, less judgmental God.

Surrender as spiritual practice. The third step, turning one's will over to God, became a daily practice of surrender rather than a one-time event. Learning to sit in stillness and embrace emptiness, without needing to fill it with activity or substance, taught the author that her deepest craving was for God's grace, not alcohol. This ongoing dependence became the foundation of her spiritual life.

8. Family Healing: Breaking Cycles and Offering Forgiveness

Once you’ve experienced terrible failure as a parent and been handed your own enormous bag of potatoes, you realize that your parents did the best they could with what they’d been given.

Intergenerational patterns. The author's recovery journey illuminated the impact of her own difficult childhood, including her father's mental illness and addiction, and her stepfather's abuse. She recognized how unresolved resentments and coping mechanisms from her past had negatively affected her adult relationships, particularly her marriage to Dave.

The challenge of forgiveness. Making amends highlighted the reciprocal nature of forgiveness and forced the author to confront her own unwillingness to fully forgive her stepfather for past harms. Despite his later attempts at penance and becoming a beloved grandpa, she carried deep-seated anger.

Empathy through shared struggle. Becoming a sober parent grappling with her own failures and her son's addiction provided a new perspective on her parents' limitations. Carrying her "own enormous bag of potatoes" allowed her to see them as flawed individuals who did their best, paving the way for genuine forgiveness and a more authentic relationship.

9. Finding Miracles in the Mundane

Now I was witness to a miracle that was the sound of my grown, angry, alcoholic son whistling.

Despair for a child. The author's greatest fear was watching her son, Noah, follow her path into severe addiction and depression. His struggles, including job loss and suicidal ideation, were agonizing to witness, especially without alcohol to numb her pain.

The threat of hope. When Noah decided to move in with the author and Dave to try and get sober, it brought a terrifying "threat of hope." The author was scared to believe in his recovery after past failures and dreaded the potential conflict and pain of living with his active addiction.

Miracles in small things. Noah's journey into sobriety, marked by small but significant changes like attending meetings, getting a sponsor, and simple acts like whistling or walking the dog, became a profound demonstration of grace. These ordinary moments, previously overlooked, revealed the true nature of miracles – not grand, dramatic events, but the quiet, persistent work of transformation.

10. The Ongoing Practice of Surrender and Dependence

What I needed more was the courage to sit with the emptiness.

Daily reliance. Sobriety is not a destination but a continuous process requiring daily surrender. The author learned that even after years sober, the inclination towards self-reliance and control could resurface, threatening her recovery.

Embracing emptiness. Learning to be still and sit with internal emptiness without trying to fill it with substances or distractions became a crucial spiritual practice. This challenged the author to believe that she didn't need external things to feel whole, but rather needed the courage to face her inner state and depend on God.

Grace is always available. The author's journey led to a deeper understanding of grace – not as a reward for good behavior or a clause in a contract, but as a freely given gift available even in brokenness. Approaching God "boldly" is not about personal worthiness, but about trusting in His boundless love and willingness to meet us in our need, just as Halloween kids rush to a door expecting candy.

Last updated: May 4, 2025