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Stop Fixing Yourself

Stop Fixing Yourself

Wake Up, All Is Well
by Anthony De Mello 2021 216 pages
4.26
500+ ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Awareness is the Key to Spiritual Awakening

"Awareness, awareness, awareness means—awareness."

Cultivate mindfulness. Awareness is the cornerstone of spiritual growth and personal transformation. It involves observing your thoughts, emotions, and reactions without judgment. This practice allows you to:

  • Recognize patterns in your behavior
  • Understand the root causes of your actions
  • Detach from automatic responses

Break free from conditioning. By developing awareness, you can:

  • Identify beliefs and prejudices that limit your perception
  • Question societal programming that shapes your worldview
  • Discover your authentic self beneath layers of conditioning

As you become more aware, you naturally begin to shed false beliefs and attachments, leading to a more liberated and fulfilling life.

2. Happiness Comes from Within, Not External Sources

"You don't have to do anything to acquire happiness because happiness cannot be acquired. Why? Because you have it already."

Redefine happiness. True happiness is not dependent on external circumstances or achievements. It is an inherent state of being that exists within you, regardless of life's conditions. To access this innate joy:

  • Recognize that happiness is your natural state
  • Let go of the belief that you need something or someone to be happy
  • Focus on cultivating inner peace and contentment

Shift your perspective. Instead of seeking happiness in external sources:

  • Practice gratitude for what you already have
  • Develop an attitude of acceptance towards life's challenges
  • Cultivate inner resources like resilience, self-compassion, and mindfulness

By realizing that happiness is always available within you, you free yourself from the endless pursuit of external validation and find lasting contentment.

3. Attachments Are the Root of Suffering

"The moment you pick up an attachment, your heart is thrown out of kilter and your ability to lead a joyful, carefree, serene life is destroyed."

Recognize attachments. Attachments are beliefs that your happiness depends on specific people, things, or outcomes. They create suffering because:

  • They make you vulnerable to disappointment and loss
  • They limit your ability to fully experience the present moment
  • They create anxiety about potential future scenarios

Practice non-attachment. To free yourself from attachments:

  • Observe your desires and expectations without judgment
  • Cultivate an attitude of acceptance towards change and impermanence
  • Focus on appreciating experiences without clinging to them

By letting go of attachments, you open yourself to a more flexible, peaceful, and joyful way of living, able to fully engage with life without being bound by fear or desire.

4. Love is a State of Being, Not an Emotion

"The finest act of love you can perform is not an act of service but an act of contemplation, of seeing."

Redefine love. True love is not a feeling or an action, but a state of being characterized by:

  • Open-hearted awareness of others and the world around you
  • Unconditional acceptance and compassion
  • The ability to see the inherent beauty in all things

Cultivate love through awareness. To develop this state of being:

  • Practice seeing others without judgment or preconceptions
  • Develop empathy by imagining others' perspectives and experiences
  • Cultivate a sense of interconnectedness with all beings

By shifting your understanding of love from an emotion to a way of perceiving and interacting with the world, you can experience deeper connections and a more profound sense of unity with all of life.

5. Clear Thinking Leads to True Understanding

"What will save the world is not goodwill and tolerance but clear thinking."

Develop clarity of thought. Clear thinking involves:

  • Questioning your assumptions and beliefs
  • Separating facts from opinions and interpretations
  • Recognizing your biases and prejudices

Practice critical thinking. To cultivate clear thinking:

  • Examine your reactions to people and situations
  • Question the source of your beliefs and opinions
  • Seek diverse perspectives to challenge your viewpoints

By developing clear thinking, you can:

  • Make better decisions
  • Understand complex issues more deeply
  • Communicate more effectively with others

Clear thinking allows you to see beyond surface-level appearances and understand the true nature of reality, leading to more compassionate and effective actions in the world.

6. Self-Observation is the Path to Personal Growth

"If you would only switch on the light of awareness and observe yourself and everything around you throughout the day... you would experience all sorts of marvelous changes in yourself."

Practice self-observation. Regularly observing your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors without judgment allows you to:

  • Identify patterns in your reactions and responses
  • Understand the root causes of your actions
  • Develop greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence

Techniques for self-observation:

  • Mindfulness meditation
  • Journaling
  • Regular self-reflection periods

By consistently practicing self-observation, you can:

  • Break free from habitual patterns
  • Respond more skillfully to life's challenges
  • Cultivate greater self-compassion and understanding

Self-observation is a powerful tool for personal growth, enabling you to consciously shape your character and live more authentically.

7. Silence is the Gateway to Divine Connection

"If you are ever to come to union with God, you must pass through silence."

Embrace silence. True silence goes beyond the absence of noise; it's a state of inner stillness where thoughts and mental chatter subside. This silence allows for:

  • Direct experience of reality beyond concepts
  • A deeper connection with your inner self
  • The potential for spiritual insights and revelations

Cultivate inner silence. Practices to develop inner silence include:

  • Meditation
  • Contemplative prayer
  • Mindful breathing exercises

By regularly experiencing deep silence, you create space for:

  • Intuitive wisdom to emerge
  • A sense of unity with all of existence
  • Profound peace and contentment

Silence is not just a spiritual practice but a gateway to experiencing the divine nature of reality directly, beyond words and concepts.

8. True Freedom Lies in Accepting Reality as It Is

"Can you imagine how liberating it is to never be disillusioned again, to never be disappointed again?"

Embrace reality. True freedom comes from accepting things as they are, rather than wishing they were different. This involves:

  • Letting go of resistance to present circumstances
  • Releasing attachment to specific outcomes
  • Recognizing the impermanence of all situations

Practice acceptance. To cultivate acceptance:

  • Observe your reactions to unpleasant situations without judgment
  • Recognize the difference between acceptance and resignation
  • Look for opportunities for growth in challenging circumstances

By accepting reality as it is, you:

  • Reduce unnecessary suffering caused by resistance
  • Increase your ability to respond effectively to situations
  • Experience greater peace and contentment in daily life

Acceptance doesn't mean passivity; it means engaging with life from a place of clarity and equanimity, rather than reactivity and resistance.

9. Compassion Arises from Understanding Others

"To study, to observe, and to understand is to forgive."

Cultivate understanding. True compassion comes from deeply understanding others, including their struggles, motivations, and conditioning. This involves:

  • Suspending judgment and preconceptions
  • Actively listening to others' perspectives
  • Recognizing the shared human experience beneath surface differences

Develop empathy. Practices to cultivate empathy include:

  • Imagining yourself in others' situations
  • Reflecting on the universal desire for happiness and freedom from suffering
  • Practicing loving-kindness meditation

By developing a deeper understanding of others, you:

  • Naturally become more compassionate and forgiving
  • Improve your relationships and communication
  • Contribute to a more harmonious society

Compassion based on understanding is more sustainable and profound than compassion based solely on emotion or moral obligation.

10. The Present Moment is the Only Reality

"Life is a banquet; the tragedy is that most people are starving to death."

Embrace the now. The present moment is the only point of contact with reality. By fully engaging with the present, you can:

  • Experience life more vividly and authentically
  • Reduce anxiety about the future and regrets about the past
  • Access a deeper sense of peace and aliveness

Practices for present-moment awareness:

  • Mindfulness meditation
  • Sensory awareness exercises
  • Regular "pauses" throughout the day to check in with your present experience

By cultivating present-moment awareness, you:

  • Enhance your ability to appreciate life's simple pleasures
  • Improve your focus and effectiveness in daily tasks
  • Develop a greater sense of connection with yourself and others

Living in the present moment allows you to fully participate in the "banquet of life," rather than missing out due to mental preoccupations with past and future.

Last updated:

Review Summary

4.26 out of 5
Average of 500+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Stop Fixing Yourself receives mostly positive reviews, with readers praising its simple yet profound insights on self-acceptance and awareness. Many find the book's message of letting go of self-improvement refreshing and transformative. Some readers note similarities to de Mello's other works and appreciate the integration of various spiritual traditions. Critics mention repetitiveness and occasional religious overtones. The book's straightforward approach to mindfulness and its challenge to conventional self-help ideas resonate with many readers, though some find certain sections less accessible or relevant.

Your rating:

About the Author

Anthony de Mello was a Jesuit priest and psychotherapist known for his spiritual writings and teachings. He gained international recognition as a speaker and author, focusing on spirituality and self-awareness. De Mello established a prayer center in India and produced influential talks and books. After his death in 1987, additional works were published posthumously. In 1998, the Catholic Church's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith declared some of his views incompatible with Catholic faith. Despite this controversy, de Mello's works remain popular, often carrying a disclaimer noting their multi-religious context and intended audience beyond Catholic faithful.

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