The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist

1. Covert narcissists are masters of subtle manipulation and emotional abuse

"Covert narcissism is the worst and most insidious form of narcissism because the abuse is so hidden."

Subtle disguise. Covert narcissists appear charming, humble, and empathetic on the surface. They are well-liked by others and often hold respectable positions in society. This facade makes it difficult for victims and outsiders to recognize their abusive behavior.

Emotional manipulation. Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists use subtle tactics to control and manipulate their targets. They employ passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment, and intermittent reinforcement to keep their victims off-balance and dependent on them.

Long-term impact. The hidden nature of covert narcissistic abuse can lead to:

• Confusion and self-doubt in victims
• Difficulty in recognizing and naming the abuse
• Long-lasting emotional and psychological damage
• Challenges in seeking help or support due to the lack of visible signs of abuse

2. Love bombing, devaluing, and discarding are the three phases of a covert narcissistic relationship

"The love bombing stage is incredibly powerful and sets you up to work incredibly hard to only receive intermittent morsels of love."

Love bombing. In the initial phase, the covert narcissist showers their target with attention, affection, and seemingly genuine interest. This creates a strong emotional bond and sets the foundation for future manipulation.

Devaluing. Once the target is emotionally invested, the covert narcissist begins to subtly criticize, belittle, and undermine their partner's self-esteem. This phase is characterized by:

• Mixed messages and inconsistent behavior
• Gradual erosion of the victim's self-worth
• Increasing feelings of confusion and anxiety in the target

Discarding. The final phase involves the covert narcissist abruptly ending the relationship or withdrawing emotional support. This often leaves the victim feeling:

• Blindsided and devastated
• Confused about what went wrong
• Desperate to regain the narcissist's approval and affection

3. Targets of covert narcissists are often empathetic, kind, and self-reflective individuals

"You are smart. I am sure the narcissist in your life has given you the opposite message about yourself, but the truth is some of the smartest people I've met are people who have been in relationships with covert narcissists."

Desirable traits. Covert narcissists seek out targets with specific qualities:

• High empathy and compassion
• Strong sense of responsibility
• Tendency for self-reflection and self-doubt
• Desire to help and nurture others

Exploitation of strengths. These positive traits are used against the target, making them more susceptible to manipulation and abuse. The covert narcissist exploits their partner's empathy and self-doubt to maintain control and avoid accountability.

Cognitive dissonance. Targets often struggle to reconcile their experience of abuse with their belief in the narcissist's "good" qualities. This internal conflict can lead to prolonged stays in abusive relationships and difficulty in recognizing the true nature of the abuse.

4. Covert narcissistic parents can cause long-lasting emotional damage to their children

"Most children of CN parents don't realize one of their parents is a covert narcissist until they are in their 30s."

Hidden abuse. Covert narcissistic parents often appear loving and attentive to outsiders, making it difficult for children to recognize and validate their own experiences of emotional neglect or abuse.

Long-term effects. Children of covert narcissistic parents may experience:

• Chronic self-doubt and low self-esteem
• Difficulty forming healthy relationships
• Persistent feelings of guilt or inadequacy
• Struggles with setting boundaries and asserting themselves

Delayed recognition. Many adult children of covert narcissists only begin to understand their experiences in their 30s or later, leading to a complex process of re-evaluating their childhood and family dynamics.

5. Gaslighting and other manipulation tactics are used to control and confuse victims

"Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that attempts to grow seeds of doubt in a target. It is used to make you question your memory, your perception, and your own sanity."

Undermining reality. Gaslighting is a powerful tool used by covert narcissists to destabilize their victims and maintain control. It involves:

• Denying or distorting events
• Contradicting the victim's memories or perceptions
• Shifting blame onto the victim

Other manipulation tactics. Covert narcissists employ various strategies to control their targets:

• Triangulation: Using third parties to create conflict or jealousy
• Intermittent reinforcement: Alternating between affection and withdrawal
• Silent treatment: Withholding communication as punishment
• Projection: Attributing their own negative traits or behaviors to the victim

Impact on victims. These tactics can lead to:

• Chronic self-doubt and confusion
• Difficulty trusting one's own judgment
• Increased dependence on the narcissist for validation and "reality checks"

6. Sex with a covert narcissist is often a tool for control and manipulation

"When you have sex with a CN, their pleasure is the most important thing; how they feel is what it is all about for them."

One-sided experience. Sexual relationships with covert narcissists are characterized by:

• Focus on the narcissist's pleasure and needs
• Lack of emotional connection or intimacy
• Use of sex as a means of control or punishment

Psychological impact. Victims often experience:

• Feelings of being used or objectified
• Confusion about their own desires and needs
• Shame and self-blame for sexual "inadequacies"

Long-term effects. Sexual manipulation by a covert narcissist can lead to:

• Difficulty forming healthy sexual relationships in the future
• Distorted views of intimacy and self-worth
• Trauma responses related to sexual experiences

7. Divorcing a covert narcissist is a challenging and emotionally draining process

"An amicable divorce is not possible and does not happen when you are dealing with a covert narcissist."

Prolonged conflict. Covert narcissists often:

• Drag out legal proceedings
• Use children as pawns in custody battles
• Engage in financial manipulation or hidden asset schemes

Emotional toll. The divorce process can be particularly traumatic due to:

• Continued manipulation and gaslighting
• Smear campaigns against the victim
• Sudden shifts between charm and aggression

Recovery challenges. Victims may struggle with:

• Rebuilding their sense of self after years of abuse
• Dealing with ongoing harassment or manipulation
• Overcoming financial setbacks caused by the narcissist's actions

8. Physical symptoms often manifest as a result of living with a covert narcissist

"Our bodies are incredibly intelligent and are speaking to us all the time. The body knows before the mind."

Stress-related illnesses. Common physical symptoms include:

• Chronic fatigue and sleep disturbances
• Digestive issues and unexplained pain
• Weakened immune system and frequent illnesses

Psychosomatic responses. The body often expresses what the mind cannot process:

• Anxiety manifesting as physical tension or tremors
• Depression leading to changes in appetite or energy levels
• PTSD symptoms such as hypervigilance or startled responses

Importance of recognition. Understanding the connection between emotional abuse and physical symptoms can:

• Validate the victim's experiences
• Guide appropriate treatment and healing approaches
• Serve as a wake-up call to the reality of the abusive situation

9. Healing from covert narcissistic abuse is possible through education, support, and self-care

"Healing is absolutely possible. Your heart, your body deserves it."

Education. Learning about covert narcissism and abuse dynamics is crucial for:

• Recognizing and naming the abuse
• Understanding that the abuse was not the victim's fault
• Developing strategies to protect oneself from future manipulation

Support. Seeking help from others is essential for recovery:

• Therapy with a trauma-informed professional
• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse
• Trusted friends and family who validate the victim's experiences

Self-care practices. Healing involves nurturing oneself through:

• Establishing healthy boundaries
• Reconnecting with personal interests and values
• Developing self-compassion and positive self-talk
• Engaging in activities that promote physical and emotional well-being

Last updated: January 24, 2025