Stop Self-Sabotage

1. Recognize self-sabotage: Understand L.I.F.E. factors and triggers

Self-sabotage shows up as thoughts and/or behaviors that undermine our best interests and conscious intentions.

L.I.F.E. factors are the root causes of self-sabotage:

• Low or Shaky Self-Concept
• Internalized Beliefs
• Fear of Change or the Unknown
• Excessive Need for Control

These factors lead to six common self-sabotage triggers:

• Overgeneralizing/Catastrophizing
• "Shoulds"
• Black-and-White Thinking
• Mind Reading
• Discounting the Positive
• Personalization

Recognizing these factors and triggers is the first step to overcoming self-sabotage. By understanding the underlying causes, you can begin to address them and develop strategies to counteract their negative impact on your goals and aspirations.

2. Deactivate triggers: Question, modify, and deemphasize negative thoughts

Just because a self-sabotage trigger is activated, that does not mean that it will lead to self-sabotage.

Question your thoughts using techniques like:

• Examining the evidence
• Imagining phoning a friend
• Playing devil's advocate

Modify your thoughts by:

• Using "Yes, but" statements
• Reframing negative self-talk

Deemphasize thoughts through:

• Labeling thoughts (e.g., "I'm having the thought that...")
• Creating distance between yourself and your thoughts

By actively engaging with and challenging your negative thoughts, you can reduce their power and prevent them from leading to self-sabotaging behaviors. Remember, thoughts are not facts, and you have the ability to change your perspective.

3. Reset your emotional thermostat: Manage intense feelings

Feelings don't just come out of nowhere, and despite how powerful they can seem to be, you are not at their mercy.

Physicalize emotions by:

• Assigning a shape, size, and color to feelings
• Imagining manipulating the physical representation

Use Opposite Action to:

• Act contrary to the urge associated with a negative emotion
• Reduce the intensity of difficult feelings

Increase positive emotions through:

• Engaging in pleasant activities
• Practicing gratitude and mindfulness

By developing strategies to manage intense emotions, you can prevent them from overwhelming you and leading to self-sabotaging behaviors. Remember that emotions are temporary and that you have the power to influence how you feel.

4. Break the self-sabotage cycle: Identify and modify ABCs

Learning these ABCs can help you to understand why you behave the way you do as well as recognize the links in the chain of cause and effect.

The ABC model consists of:

• Antecedents (triggers)
• Behaviors (actions)
• Consequences (outcomes)

Identify your ABCs by:

• Recognizing common antecedents (events, thoughts, feelings)
• Noting self-sabotaging behaviors
• Understanding the consequences of these behaviors

Modify your ABCs through:

• Changing or removing triggering antecedents
• Developing new, productive behaviors
• Focusing on positive consequences

By understanding and modifying your ABCs, you can break the self-sabotage cycle and create new, more productive patterns of behavior that align with your goals and values.

5. Replace old habits: Use mental contrasting and implementation intentions

Having implementation intentions prepared ahead of time helps you to not have to lean so hard on willpower during stressful moments to resist short-term temptation or temporary relief from distress.

Mental contrasting involves:

• Visualizing your desired future
• Identifying obstacles in your current reality

Implementation intentions use the format:

• "If/When [situation], Then [action]"

Combine these techniques (MCII) to:

1. Clarify your goal and visualize success
2. Identify potential obstacles
3. Create specific plans to overcome obstacles
4. Automate your response to challenging situations

By using MCII, you can replace old, self-sabotaging habits with new, goal-oriented behaviors. This technique helps conserve willpower and increases your chances of success by providing a clear plan of action for challenging situations.

6. Align goals with values: Pursue eudaimonic happiness

True happiness comes from pursuit of goals that align with your deepest core values.

Identify your core values through:

• Reflecting on peak experiences
• Using the Values Card Sort exercise

Distinguish between types of happiness:

• Hedonic happiness: Focused on pleasure and avoiding pain
• Eudaimonic happiness: Living a meaningful life aligned with values

Connect values to goals by:

• Ensuring goals support your top values
• Creating daily practices that honor your values
• Developing values-based goals

By aligning your goals with your core values, you create a strong foundation for motivation and willpower. This alignment helps you persist through challenges and find deeper satisfaction in pursuing your goals, leading to true, lasting happiness.

7. Create your Blueprint for Change: Implement a personalized plan

You hold in your hands a product of your creation that lays out concretely and practically your very own surefire plan to stop self-sabotage.

The Blueprint for Change includes:

• Your top five values
• A values-based goal
• L.I.F.E. factors influencing self-sabotage
• Old ABCs (antecedents, behaviors, consequences)
• Mental contrasting visualization
• Implementation intentions
• New, desired consequences

Use your Blueprint effectively by:

• Placing it where you can see it daily
• Focusing on one element each day
• Updating it as needed (every two weeks)

The Blueprint for Change serves as a visual reminder and actionable plan to stop self-sabotage. By regularly engaging with your personalized blueprint, you reinforce your commitment to change and maintain focus on your values-based goals. This comprehensive tool combines all the strategies learned throughout the book, providing a roadmap for lasting transformation and success.

Last updated: December 3, 2024