Teaching Your Children Values

1. Teaching Values is Key to Children's Happiness

We should teach values to our children because it is the most significant and effective thing we can do for their happiness.

Happiness depends on values. The wisdom of the ages and personal experience show a direct link between living by moral values and achieving personal happiness and a stable society. Amoral behavior often leads to failure and unhappiness, a painful school of experience that a single lifetime is too short to fully navigate.

Pass along learned wisdom. Parents have a duty to transmit the accumulated knowledge of generations about the connection between values and happiness. This prevents children from having to "rediscover the wheel" of morality through potentially destructive trial and error. As Emerson noted, cause and effect are inseparable; the fruit of fulfillment is in the seed of strong moral values.

Avoid a values vacuum. Children begin developing values early, influenced by peers, media, and family. If parents don't actively teach values, children learn that values aren't important, leaving them adrift. Conscious parental effort ensures children develop their own values from a foundation, not a void, allowing them to navigate life's currents with direction and control.

2. Parents are the Primary, Ever-Present Value Teachers

The home will never—should never—can never be replaced as the institution where basic values are learned and taught.

Home is the core institution. While schools, churches, and other organizations can supplement value education, the home is the most influential environment. Parents have a significant head start and the potential to be the most powerful force in a child's life, by both example and direct teaching, for the first 14-15 years.

Avoid subcontracting parenting. Parents who delegate the teaching of morality and values to external "subcontractors" like teachers or scout leaders default on a fundamental responsibility and miss out on the deep joy that comes from this conscientious effort. These external groups can support, but cannot replace, parental instruction.

You are the crucial instructor. The question of "Who?" should teach values has one clear answer: Parents. The question of "Where?" is equally clear: In the family, in the home. This is where basic values are most effectively learned and taught, providing children with a foundation for life.

3. Values are Universal Principles of Being and Giving

A true and universally acceptable “value” is one that produces behavior that is beneficial both to the practitioner and to those on whom it is practiced.

Values benefit self and others. True values are principles that either promote well-being or prevent harm, benefiting both the person practicing the value and those affected by it. They are inherently right and can be accepted as "better" than their opposites.

Values multiply when shared. A key criterion for a value is its ability to increase as it is given away. The more you give values like honesty, love, or kindness, the more you possess and the more you receive in return from others. This distinguishes values from mere skills or attributes like ambition or wealth.

Being and Giving are key. Values can be categorized as values of being (developing inner qualities like honesty, courage, discipline) or values of giving (actions towards others like respect, love, kindness). Both categories overlap and reinforce each other, with being influencing giving and giving developing being.

4. Your Example is the Most Powerful Teaching Method

Example is always the best teacher—and what we do always overwhelms and overshadows and outteaches what we say.

Actions speak louder than words. Children learn far more from observing parental behavior than from listening to lectures. A parent who tells a child not to lie while telling a "convenient lie" on the phone teaches dishonesty. A parent who yells about not hitting teaches aggression.

Model desired behavior. Parents should consciously demonstrate the values they wish to teach. This includes:

• Being completely honest, even about struggles.
• Showing courage in difficult situations.
• Maintaining calmness and controlling temper.
• Taking responsibility for mistakes.
• Practicing moderation and self-discipline.
• Showing respect and politeness.
• Expressing love and kindness.

Be the change you wish to see. Children will mirror the behavior they see modeled. If parents want children to be calm, they must be calm. If they want children to be respectful, they must show respect. Modeling is not just about perfection, but about showing the effort and commitment to living by values.

5. Tailor Your Teaching Methods to Your Child's Age

There are some methods especially well suited to teaching values to preschoolers. Other methods work best for elementary ages, and still others are effective for adolescents.

Age-appropriate techniques. Effective value teaching requires adapting methods to the child's developmental stage. What works for a toddler won't work for a teenager, and vice versa.

Methods by age group:

• Preschoolers: Simple stories, demonstrations, short poems/songs, physical games, effusive praise, "start over" chances, focusing on feelings.
• Elementary Age: Games (consequence, color, noticing), awards/recognition, memorization, more elaborate stories, simple responsibilities, natural consequences.
• Adolescents: Discussions (types of dishonesty, win-win, policies), case studies, metaphors, advance decision-making, shared struggles, service projects, journaling.

Focus on one value monthly. A practical approach is to concentrate on one specific value each month. This provides a clear objective and allows parents to apply the age-appropriate methods consistently, revisiting values annually as children mature and can grasp concepts at deeper levels.

6. Praise and Reinforcement Build Positive Behavior

Real change comes through catching children doing something good and then praising and reinforcing the behavior.

Positive attention is powerful. Children crave attention, preferring positive praise to negative reproval, but preferring negative attention to none. Focusing on correcting wrong behavior gives attention to the negative. Shifting focus to "catching them doing something right" reinforces positive actions.

Praise effort and attempts. Especially for difficult values like courage or self-discipline, praise the child's attempt as much as the accomplishment. This encourages trying and builds confidence. Lavish, specific praise makes children feel seen and valued for their positive efforts.

Awards and recognition motivate. Tangible or symbolic awards (like a traveling plaque or a simple paper certificate) given weekly for demonstrating a specific value can be powerful motivators. Discussing who is "in the running" encourages reflection on behavior and reinforces the importance of the value.

7. Responsibility and Natural Consequences Teach Justice

Experience and trial and error are extremely swift teachers.

Actions have consequences. Children learn justice and fairness by experiencing the natural results of their choices. Setting up systems where rewards and lack of rewards are directly tied to their actions (like a peg system for chores and allowance) teaches cause and effect.

Accepting responsibility is key. Self-reliance involves taking ownership of one's actions and their outcomes, rather than blaming others or circumstances. Parents should model this and guide children to accept responsibility for mistakes, praising the acceptance itself.

Family laws provide structure. Establishing simple, clear family laws with predictable consequences provides security and teaches the importance of rules. Repentance (apologizing, making restitution, promising to improve) should be offered as an alternative to punishment, teaching forgiveness and the power of making amends.

8. Unconditional Love and Service Cultivate Sensitivity

But while we may not necessarily love those who serve us, we will love those whom we serve.

Love through service. A profound way to teach children love and unselfishness is by providing opportunities for them to serve others. Family service projects, helping younger siblings, or caring for pets allow children to experience the joy and connection that comes from giving.

Unconditional love builds security. Parents must consistently communicate that their love for the child is separate from their dissatisfaction with specific behaviors. Reassuring children of unwavering love, especially during discipline, builds a secure foundation and encourages openness.

Empathy through understanding. Sensitivity involves feeling with and for others. Parents can teach this by:

• Actively listening to children's feelings.
• Sharing their own feelings and vulnerabilities.
• Discussing the potential reasons behind others' difficult behavior (e.g., insecurity).
• Using games or discussions to practice identifying and understanding emotions in others.

9. Kindness and Friendliness Enhance Relationships

Awareness that being kind and considerate is more admirable than being tough or strong.

Kindness is a powerful value. Simple acts of kindness and friendliness can significantly impact others' moods and attitudes. Teaching children to be polite, courteous, and gentle fosters positive interactions and helps them build meaningful relationships.

Model and practice politeness. Parents should profusely use "magic words" like please and thank you, open doors, and show courtesy. Role-playing and games can help children practice these habits. A "gentleness and politeness pact" can create a focused environment for practicing these behaviors.

Friendliness builds connections. Encouraging children to initiate conversations, make eye contact, and look for opportunities to include others helps them overcome shyness and build friendships. Teaching them to notice and compliment others reinforces positive social interactions.

10. Self-Reliance and Discipline Empower Growth

Having faith in themselves to be able to do what they know is right is the key to courage.

Discipline enables potential. Self-discipline involves managing oneself, controlling appetites, and overcoming laziness. Moderation is its companion, avoiding excess. These values are crucial for personal growth and achieving potential.

Build self-starters. Give children opportunities to do things for themselves and make decisions. Implement systems where they are responsible for tasks without constant reminders. Praise initiative and self-starting behavior to build internal motivation.

Mind over matter. Teach children that discipline is about the mind overriding physical urges or emotional resistance. Simple practices like counting to ten when angry, setting bedtimes, or even fasting can illustrate this. Helping children set and work towards goals teaches the discipline required for achievement.

11. Fidelity and Chastity Build Trust and Security

It is hard to argue against the mental logic and the emotional benefits of fidelity within marriage.

Sex is beautiful and sacred. The underlying philosophy is that sex is too wonderful and powerful (as it creates life) to be treated casually. It should be connected to love and commitment, saved for marriage, where it serves as a unique bond and expression of love.

Parents teach best. Parents can discuss sex in a warm, positive way, unlike sterile school lessons or crude peer discussions. This intimate topic creates trust and strengthens the parent-child bond. Age eight is suggested for an initial, positive discussion about reproduction and the specialness of sex within marriage.

Consequences reinforce value. Discussing the long-term physical (STDs, pregnancy) and emotional (guilt, feeling used, broken bonds) consequences of casual or premarital sex reinforces the logic of fidelity and chastity. Metaphors (mortar holding a house, bridle controlling a horse) can help adolescents understand the power and need for control.

12. Justice and Mercy Create a Harmonious Home

One reason for repentance is to avoid punishment. And more is often learned from repenting than from being punished.

Laws provide security and fairness. Clear, simple family laws help children understand expectations and parameters. Consistent application of consequences, tied as closely as possible to natural outcomes, teaches justice and cause-and-effect.

Mercy through repentance. Offering children the chance to repent (apologize, make restitution, promise to improve) allows them to avoid punishment and learn the crucial skills of making amends and seeking forgiveness. This fosters a home environment where love and improvement are prioritized over strict retribution.

Forgiveness heals. Teaching children to forgive others and themselves is essential for avoiding bitterness, grudges, and guilt. Discussing scenarios and using awards (like a "What Would Jesus Do?" award) can highlight examples of forgiveness and fairness.

Last updated: May 21, 2025