The Body Papers

1. Immigration as a transformative journey: From Philippines to America

Immigration is a kind of death. You leave one life for another one with no guarantee of seeing your loved ones or home again.

A leap of faith. Grace Talusan's family immigrated from the Philippines to America when she was two years old, driven by her father's pursuit of medical training and better opportunities. This decision fundamentally altered the course of their lives, presenting both challenges and opportunities:

• Challenges:

  • Language barriers
  • Cultural adjustments
  • Loss of extended family support
  • Uncertain immigration status

• Opportunities:

  • Access to education
  • Career advancement
  • Economic stability
  • Freedom from political instability

The immigrant experience shaped Talusan's identity, as she navigated between two cultures and grappled with the complexities of belonging. Her parents' sacrifice and determination to build a new life in America became a driving force in her own journey of self-discovery and success.

2. The lasting impact of childhood sexual abuse

I experienced sexual assault as a force that separated me from everyone else. I am still surprised when I am noticed—I came to believe that I was invisible, that I could disappear at will.

Invisible wounds. For seven years, from ages 7 to 13, Grace endured sexual abuse by her grandfather, who lived with her family intermittently. This traumatic experience had profound and lasting effects on her life:

• Psychological impact:

  • Depression and anxiety
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Difficulty forming relationships
  • Feelings of shame and isolation

• Physical manifestations:

  • Recurring hives
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Eating disorders

The abuse created a complex web of family dynamics, as Grace struggled with the betrayal of trust and the silence surrounding her trauma. Her journey towards healing involved therapy, writing, and confronting the truth of her experiences, ultimately leading to a path of recovery and self-empowerment.

3. Navigating identity as a Filipino-American

Even now, I wish this were true. As a high school senior, I had no clue how to talk about race to white people. I still have no idea how to navigate that minefield.

Straddling two worlds. Growing up as a Filipino-American in a predominantly white suburb, Grace grappled with her cultural identity and faced various challenges:

• Racial stereotypes and microaggressions
• Loss of her native language, Tagalog
• Feeling like an outsider in both American and Filipino cultures
• Lack of representation in media and literature

Her journey of self-discovery involved reconnecting with her Filipino heritage, exploring her family history, and finding her voice as a writer. Through this process, she learned to embrace the complexity of her identity and use her experiences to bridge cultural divides.

4. The power of storytelling and writing in healing

Tito Freddie wrote: "These poems cost us all a great deal of pain because the people who ordered him killed don't like the idea of people thinking him a hero. That may sound strange to you but it is true and that is why you should be thankful that you live in a country where you are free—to write about what you want to and to speak out your mind when you want to."

Words as medicine. Writing became a crucial tool for Grace in processing her trauma, understanding her identity, and finding her place in the world. Her journey as a writer was influenced by:

• Correspondence with her uncle, Alfrredo Navarro Salanga, a Filipino writer
• Discovering Asian-American literature in college
• Using memoir as a means of confronting and healing from past traumas

Through storytelling, Grace found a way to reclaim her narrative, connect with others who shared similar experiences, and contribute to the broader conversation about immigration, identity, and resilience. Her writing became not only a personal healing journey but also a way to give voice to often-silenced stories within the Filipino-American community.

5. Confronting hereditary cancer and difficult medical decisions

I calculated morbid math problems trying to predict which death would be earlier and worse: ovarian cancer or the long-term effects of early menopause.

Life-altering choices. Grace discovered she carried the BRCA1 gene mutation, significantly increasing her risk of breast and ovarian cancer. This knowledge forced her to confront difficult decisions about her health and future:

• Preventive measures:

  • Double mastectomy at age 40
  • Consideration of ovary removal (oophorectomy)

• Emotional impact:

  • Grief over loss of body parts
  • Anxiety about future health
  • Contemplation of mortality

These medical decisions intertwined with personal choices about motherhood and identity. Grace's journey through this process highlights the complex interplay between genetic predisposition, medical interventions, and personal agency in shaping one's life path.

6. Redefining family and motherhood

Sometimes I wondered what our lives would have been like had we answered this question earlier, when I was in my twenties, when I was still youthful and pretty, when my breasts were still intact, and I could have met someone else and had a different life in which I was a mother.

Expanding definitions. Grace's path to motherhood was complicated by her BRCA1 mutation, preventive surgeries, and her husband's reluctance to have children. This journey led her to reexamine and expand her understanding of family and motherhood:

• Challenges:

  • Biological clock pressure
  • Conflicting desires with her husband
  • Medical complications

• Redefinition:

  • Embracing her role as an aunt
  • Finding fulfillment in mentoring and teaching
  • Recognizing chosen family

Through this process, Grace learned to find joy and purpose beyond traditional notions of motherhood, ultimately embracing a broader definition of family and nurturing relationships.

7. Returning to the Philippines: Rediscovering roots and identity

I often wonder who I would have become if I'd stayed. My parents offer to drop everything to accompany us on the journey. They are worried and afraid. There are reasons they left the Philippines, after all.

Coming full circle. Grace's return to the Philippines as an adult on a Fulbright fellowship became a powerful journey of rediscovery and reconnection:

• Experiences:

  • Visiting ancestral homes
  • Reconnecting with extended family
  • Exploring Filipino culture and cuisine

• Reflections:

  • Contemplating alternate life paths
  • Appreciating parents' sacrifices
  • Gaining new perspectives on American identity

This return journey allowed Grace to bridge the gap between her American upbringing and Filipino heritage, providing a deeper understanding of her identity and family history. It also offered an opportunity to thank her parents for the difficult decision they made to immigrate, recognizing both the challenges and opportunities that decision created.

Last updated: October 30, 2024