The Customer Service Survival Kit

1. Acknowledge and lean into customer criticism to defuse anger

Instead of defending yourself, you will learn how to lean into criticism with gusto.

Counterintuitive approach. When faced with customer criticism, the natural instinct is to defend oneself. However, this often escalates the situation. Instead, lean into the criticism by acknowledging and repeating it back to the customer. This shows you are listening and validates their feelings.

Defusing technique. By mirroring the customer's emotions and concerns, you create a connection that can calm them down. Use phrases like "You're right, that is terrible!" or "I can see why you're so frustrated." This approach often surprises customers and can quickly de-escalate tense situations.

Building trust. Leaning into criticism demonstrates empathy and builds trust with the customer. It shows you are on their side and want to understand their perspective. This creates a foundation for productive problem-solving and can turn angry customers into loyal advocates.

2. Use empathy and validation to connect with upset customers

Acknowledgment is your key to handling any situation.

Four levels of acknowledgment:

• Paraphrasing: Restating the customer's words
• Observation: Reflecting the customer's thoughts and feelings
• Validation: Confirming the legitimacy of the customer's feelings
• Identification: Sharing what you have in common with the customer

Power of validation. Validating a customer's feelings doesn't mean you agree with them or that you'll give them whatever they want. It simply shows respect for their viewpoint. This can be incredibly powerful in defusing tense situations and moving towards resolution.

Practice and preparation. These skills may feel unnatural at first, but with practice, they become second nature. Prepare phrases and responses in advance for common situations. This allows you to respond confidently and effectively even in high-pressure moments.

3. Avoid trigger phrases that escalate conflicts

You can never successfully criticize anyone about anything. Ever.

Common trigger phrases:

• "You'll have to..."
• "You should have..."
• "Our policy is..."
• "Calm down"
• "I understand" (often perceived as insincere)

Reframe commands as benefits. Instead of telling customers what they must do, explain how your suggestions benefit them. For example, replace "You'll have to wait" with "We'll get you in to see someone as soon as we possibly can."

Choose different words. Avoid overused catchphrases that can sound insincere. Instead of "I'm sorry," apologize for the specific situation in detail. Replace "I understand" with more empathetic phrases like "I can see how frustrated you are."

4. Frame bad news positively and deliver it strategically

Give the bad news second. Not third or fourth or fifth; that is beating around the bush.

Three-step process:

1. Introduction: Prepare the customer to hear something important
2. Proactive summary: Provide details and options
3. Empathetic response: Acknowledge the customer's reaction

Positive framing. When delivering bad news, focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. For example, instead of "We can't get you on a connecting flight until tomorrow," say "We can put you on an overnight connection that will get you home twelve hours from now."

Volunteer information. Provide details proactively to show interest in the customer's situation. The more information you give (within reason), the more the customer will appreciate your transparency and effort to help.

5. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't, when problem-solving

Lead with what you can do, not what you can't do.

Four-step problem-solving approach:

1. Clarify the customer's needs
2. Frame your response around those needs
3. Create incentives for a mutual solution
4. Respond to objections

Language of an ally. Even when you can't give customers exactly what they want, use language that shows you're on their side. For example, "Because you had such a bad experience, I'm going to put you on the standby list for an upgrade."

Create win-win solutions. Look for creative ways to address the customer's underlying needs, even if you can't meet their specific demands. This might involve offering alternatives, compromises, or additional perks to make the customer feel valued.

6. Reframe situations to change customer perceptions

Used well, reframing does much more than make difficult customers feel better; it helps you see a situation differently.

Reframing techniques:

• Normalizing: Describe unusual situations as more common
• Relative value: Use words to make a situation sound better
• Context framing: Put things in a broader, more positive context

Change perceptions. Reframing can significantly alter how customers view a situation. For example, a "delay" becomes a "short wait," or a "complaint" becomes "valuable feedback."

Maintain authenticity. While reframing is powerful, it's important not to cross the line into insincerity or dishonesty. Use reframing to highlight genuine positives and provide realistic context, not to mislead customers.

7. Ground angry outbursts with acknowledgment and assessment

Anger from customers often feels frightening and inappropriate, particularly if they start out angry with no provocation from you.

Three-step process:

1. Use the highest acknowledgment level possible
2. Ask assessment questions
3. Shift the discussion from blame to problem-solving

Mirror emotions. When faced with an angry outburst, match the customer's level of emotion in your acknowledgment. This shows you understand the gravity of their feelings.

Ask good questions. Once the heat starts to drop, ask questions that move the conversation from emotional to factual. This helps calm the customer and gather information for problem-solving. Avoid "why" questions, which can sound confrontational.

8. Become immune to intimidation through nonreactivity

Ultimately, it is not the other person's words but your reactions to these words that determine the balance of power between you and an intimidator.

Nonreactivity techniques:

• Accept the customer's self-importance
• Use "fogging" to deflect criticism
• Underreact to threats

Maintain boundaries. Accepting a customer's self-importance doesn't mean giving in to unreasonable demands. It simply neutralizes their attempts to use status as a weapon.

Fogging example:
Customer: "You must be pretty new here. Everyone else lets me come in without paying the cover charge."
You: "You're right. Lots of people have been here longer than I have. Unfortunately, I still can't let you in without paying tonight."

9. End interactions positively to preserve customer relationships

The way you end these situations is often very important.

Closing techniques:

• Give a "verbal receipt" summarizing the transaction
• Normalize the situation to make the customer feel OK
• Reaffirm the customer relationship

Verbal receipt. Recap what happened and what will happen next. This shows engagement and concern for the customer. For example: "Based on what we discussed, this problem should be covered as long as you have a proof of purchase from within the last ninety days. Once you come back with a copy of your receipt, we will expedite the repair of this hard drive."

Preserve future business. Even after difficult interactions, reaffirming the relationship can turn a crisis into an opportunity. Use phrases like "We look forward to serving you again" or "Next time you're here, feel free to ask for me personally."

10. Develop situational awareness and have a safety plan

When things go wrong, it often happens because we underreact instead of overreact to a situation.

Situational awareness cues:

• Visible agitation or distress
• Avoiding eye contact or trying to stay invisible
• Disregard for rules or norms
• Incoherent or suspicious speech
• Stated or unstated sense of powerlessness

Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Don't hesitate to call for backup or take precautionary measures, even if you're not certain of the threat.

Organizational safety plan elements:

• Crisis prevention training
• Reaction protocols for common crisis situations
• Clear communication plan and contact information
• Guidelines on what to say (and not say) in crises
• Physical safety and evacuation procedures

Last updated: April 21, 2025