The Defining Decade

1. Your Twenties Matter More Than You Think

To a great extent, our lives are decided by far-reaching twentysomething moments we may not realize are happening at all.

Defining decade. The twenties are a critical period for adult development, disproportionately shaping who you become professionally, romantically, and personally. While they may not feel consequential in the moment, the experiences and choices made now have a profound, lasting impact on your thirties and beyond. Researchers studying successful people found that the most autobiographically consequential experiences were heavily concentrated in the twentysomething years.

Not disposable years. Despite cultural messages suggesting the twenties are a time for wandering and delaying adulthood ("thirty is the new twenty"), this decade is a developmental sweet spot. Postponing major life decisions doesn't keep options open; it often limits them later. Many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings regret not being more intentional in their twenties, facing challenges like catching up professionally or struggling with fertility.

Real time. The twenties are real time and should be lived that way. Uncertainty is high, but distraction is not the answer. While hope is good, it's not enough; intentionality and action are required to build the life you want.

2. Build Identity Capital Through Action

Identity capital is what we bring to the adult marketplace.

Personal assets. Identity capital is your collection of personal assets – the investments you make in yourself that become part of who you are. This includes résumé builders like degrees and jobs, but also personal qualities like communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and resilience. It's the currency you use to "purchase" jobs, relationships, and opportunities.

Crisis and capital. Resolving an identity crisis isn't just about introspection; it's about earning identity capital. Erik Erikson, who coined the term "identity crisis," also built his identity through action (teaching, training, writing) during his twenties. Twentysomethings who explore and make commitments build stronger, more realistic identities.

Action over thinking. You can't just think your way through life; you have to do something. Underemployment can be a useful stopgap, but aim for jobs with capital, even if they don't seem glamorous. The longer you delay gaining relevant experience, the harder it is to catch up later, potentially leading to unhappiness and underemployment.

3. Leverage the Strength of Weak Ties

New things almost always come from outside your inner circle.

Urban tribe overrated. While close friends (strong ties) provide support, they often know the same things and people you do. They are less likely to expose you to new information or opportunities. The urban tribe helps you survive, but weak ties help you thrive.

Power of acquaintances. Sociologist Mark Granovetter's research shows that most new jobs and opportunities come from people you know only "occasionally" or "rarely" (weak ties). Because weak ties have fewer overlapping contacts with you, they serve as bridges to different social networks and fresh perspectives.

Make yourself relevant. Networking isn't about being fake; it's about connecting with people who can offer new information or opportunities.

• Do your homework: Know what you want or need.
• Make yourself interesting: Share your relevant experiences and goals.
• Ask for specific, manageable favors: Like Benjamin Franklin asking to borrow a book.
  Weak ties are more likely to help if you make it easy and relevant for them, and helping you makes them like you more (Ben Franklin effect).

4. Claim Your "Unthought Known"

Being confused about choices is nothing more than hoping that maybe there is a way to get through life without taking charge.

Paralysis by possibility. Feeling overwhelmed by seemingly endless choices can lead to inaction, like being in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight. This confusion can be a defense against the terror of realizing your life is up to you and the possibilities aren't infinite. It's a way of pretending now doesn't matter.

The jam experiment. Psychologist Sheena Iyengar's research shows that having too many choices (24 jam flavors) leads to fewer decisions than having fewer choices (6 jam flavors). Similarly, twentysomethings often feel they have boundless options, but in reality, their past experiences and skills narrow their viable paths. Recognizing your "six-flavor table" makes action possible.

Reality over fantasy. The "lottery question" (what would you do if you won?) is less useful than asking what you can do well enough to support the life you want, and what you'd enjoy doing for years. This involves acknowledging your "unthought knowns" – truths you sense but avoid facing. Making choices, even uncertain ones, is necessary; not choosing is also a choice with consequences down the road.

5. Beware the Tyranny of the Should

Shoulds can masquerade as high standards or lofty goals, but they are not the same.

External pressure. The "tyranny of the should" is driven by external judgments and ideals about how your life is "supposed" to look (e.g., "My life should look better on Facebook," "I should be saving orphans"). This differs from goals, which are authentic dreams directing you from within. Shoulds create a false dichotomy between perfection and failure.

Facebook comparison trap. Social media often presents curated, idealized versions of others' lives, leading to upward social comparison. This can make twentysomethings feel like failures if their reality doesn't match the perceived "glory days" of their peers online. It fuels the feeling that what you're doing isn't good enough because it's not the "best" thing you see others doing.

Authentic potential. Realizing your potential isn't about achieving external ideals or comparing yourself to others; it's about recognizing how your unique gifts and limitations fit with the world. This often involves doing work that doesn't look glamorous (like a starter job) but allows you to invest in what you have and discover what you're good at. Humility and focusing on the job at hand lead to growth.

6. Pick Your Family Intentionally

What no one tells twentysomethings like Emma is that finally, and suddenly, they can pick their own families—they can create their own families—and these are the families that life will be about.

Beyond friends. While friends provide crucial support, especially for those with difficult family backgrounds, they cannot replace the role of family. Twentysomethings often feel they can't choose their family, but in adulthood, choosing a partner means choosing a family – your in-laws and the family you create.

Second chance. Partnering offers a second chance at family, especially for those who grew up in broken or difficult homes. It's an opportunity to build the caring, involved family life you may have missed. This decision is not just about romance; it's about intentionally selecting the people who will be intertwined with your life for decades.

Ambition for love. Just as you are ambitious about your career, be ambitious about your relationships. Don't settle for "fine" or "fun" if you want a partner who will be a good co-parent or involved in-law. Taking love seriously and being thoughtful about your choices is crucial for long-term happiness, especially if you want to create a strong family unit.

7. Understand the Cohabitation Effect

Couples who "live together first" are actually less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce than couples who do not.

Sliding, not deciding. Cohabitation has increased dramatically, often seen as a way to test a relationship before marriage. However, research shows that couples who live together before engagement are less satisfied and more likely to divorce than those who don't. This is the "cohabitation effect."

Lower standards. Couples often slide into living together for convenience (cheaper rent, easier access to sex/intimacy) without a clear, mutual decision about commitment. Standards for a live-in partner are often lower than for a spouse. This ambiguity can lead to insecurity and conflict.

Lock-in. Moving in together creates "lock-in" through setup costs (shared furniture, pets, routines) and switching costs (hassle of moving out, dividing things). These costs make it harder to leave, even if the relationship isn't right. Couples may slide from cohabitation into marriage because breaking up seems harder than getting married, especially as peers start marrying.

8. Be "In Like" for Lasting Relationships

The more similar two people’s personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship.

Beyond looks and sex. While initial attraction matters, lasting relationship satisfaction is strongly linked to compatibility, particularly personality similarity. Being "in like" means being alike in ways that matter and genuinely liking who the other person is.

Deal breakers vs. match makers. Obvious similarities like age, education, or religion can be "deal breakers" that help you weed out incompatible partners, but they aren't necessarily "match makers" for long-term happiness. Personality similarity is a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction.

Personality matters. Consider the Big Five personality traits (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism). While you don't need to be identical, significant differences in how you approach the world can create friction. High Neuroticism (anxiety, moodiness, criticism) is particularly toxic for relationships. Understanding personality helps you choose a partner you genuinely like and navigate differences constructively.

9. Your Brain is Still Developing

In our twenties, the pleasure-seeking, emotional brain is ready to go while the forward-thinking frontal lobe is still a work in progress.

Last growth spurt. The brain develops from back to front, with the frontal lobe (responsible for reason, judgment, planning, and impulse control) being the last to mature, typically finishing between ages 20 and 30. This means twentysomethings can be "uneven," capable of high-level thinking but still prone to emotional reactions and difficulty anticipating consequences.

Plasticity and opportunity. The twenties are the capstone of the brain's second critical growth period. Like a child learning language, the twentysomething brain is primed to learn the "language" of adulthood – navigating work, relationships, and uncertainty. Neurons that fire together, wire together; the experiences you have now are literally shaping your brain's structure and function.

Use it or lose it. The new frontal lobe connections you use are strengthened; those you don't are pruned away ("survival of the busiest"). Engaging in challenging work, real relationships, and forward thinking helps wire your brain for adult competence and resilience. Delaying these experiences means missing a prime opportunity for brain development.

10. Confidence Comes From Action, Not Just Feeling

Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult.

Outside in. Confidence isn't something you're born with or that magically appears; it's built through experience. Feeling confident on the inside comes from pointing to things you've done well on the outside. This is called self-efficacy or mastery experience.

Growth mindset. A fixed mindset believes you either "have it" (talent, confidence) or you don't. A growth mindset believes abilities can be developed through effort. Twentysomethings with growth mindsets see challenges and failures as opportunities to learn and improve, building resilience and confidence.

Ten thousand hours. Becoming truly good at something, and thus confident in that area, often requires significant time and effort – roughly ten thousand hours of practice or focused work. This isn't about being a "natural"; it's about putting in the work. Hiding in underemployment or avoiding challenges prevents you from gaining the mastery experiences needed to build real confidence.

11. Get Along and Get Ahead to Grow

Our personalities change more during the twentysomething years than at any time before or after.

Prime time for change. Contrary to older theories, personality is most malleable during the twenties. This decade offers the best chance for significant personal growth and transformation. You can become more emotionally stable, conscientious, socially competent, and agreeable.

Investing in adulthood. Positive personality changes in the twenties come from "getting along and getting ahead" – making commitments to the world around you.

• Work: Engaging in challenging jobs fosters responsibility and competence.
• Relationships: Entering stable partnerships improves social skills and reduces anxiety.
• Goals: Setting and working towards goals provides purpose and builds agency.

Commitment fosters change. These adult commitments shift how you are in the world and who you are inside. Avoiding commitments (like staying chronically single or underemployed) can lead to increased stress, anger, and alienation, hindering personality maturation. Even small steps towards goals and relationships contribute to feeling more settled and confident.

12. Do the Math on Fertility and Time

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time.

Time is limited. The twenties can feel boundless, but time is not infinite, especially regarding biological clocks. The brain condenses unmarked time, making years pass quickly ("Where did the time go?"). Present bias makes it hard to prioritize future goals over immediate gratification.

Fertility facts. Female fertility peaks in the late twenties and declines significantly after 35, plummeting at 40. While more women have babies later, it's often after costly and emotionally draining fertility treatments that frequently fail. Relying on the "availability heuristic" (knowing a few older moms) ignores the sobering statistics. Male fertility also declines with age.

Plan backward. Don't leave major life goals like marriage and children in a distant, abstract future. Use a timeline to make the future concrete. Envision your life in your thirties or forties and work backward to see what needs to happen now. This helps prioritize actions and avoid the regret of realizing too late that you've run out of time for things that matter most.

Last updated: May 5, 2025