The Expectation Gap

1. Acknowledge the Expectation Gap: Belief vs. Experience

Many of us struggle with a gap between what we believe about God and what we experience from God.

The core struggle. Many Christians face a disconnect between their intellectual beliefs about God and their actual, lived experiences of God's presence, love, and power. This "expectation gap" can lead to feelings of frustration, disappointment, and even spiritual stagnation. It's crucial to acknowledge this gap rather than pretending it doesn't exist.

Three key gaps. The author identifies three common gaps: believing God loves you but not feeling it, believing God is with you but not seeing Him, and feeling like you should be further along in your spiritual journey than you are. These gaps highlight the challenge of translating cognitive faith into visceral experience.

Honesty and vulnerability. Addressing the expectation gap requires honesty about our struggles and a willingness to be vulnerable with ourselves and others. It's okay to admit that we don't always feel close to God or that we have doubts and questions. This honesty opens the door to deeper exploration and genuine connection.

2. Self-Awareness: The Foundation for Connecting with God

We need to add ourselves to our conscious list of relationships.

Relationship with self. A key reason we struggle to connect with God is that we are often disconnected from ourselves. We must recognize that we are in a relationship with ourselves, and the quality of that relationship impacts all other relationships, including our relationship with God.

Treat yourself kindly. Most people are kinder to their friends than they are to themselves. We must learn to treat ourselves with the same compassion, patience, and understanding that we offer to others. This includes checking in with ourselves, acknowledging our feelings, and giving ourselves permission to be human-sized.

Inner voice. By taking our relationship with ourselves seriously, we can become more aware of our inner voice, which can often be critical and condemning. Learning to challenge this inner critic and replace its messages with God's truth is essential for experiencing God's love and presence.

3. Relational Dynamics: Assumptions, Reactivity, Stuck Patterns, and Attempted Solutions

In every relational struggle in our lives, we’ve very likely made a string of assumptions about the other person and they have made a few about us.

Four core dynamics. Every relationship, including our relationship with God, is affected by four core dynamics: assumptions, reactivity, stuck patterns, and attempted solutions. These dynamics can create a "false reality" that blocks our capacity to connect with God.

Assumptions and reactivity. Assumptions are beliefs we hold without proof, and they often lead to reactivity when our expectations are not met. Reactivity is a form of anxiety that can cause us to get either bigger or smaller than human-sized, hindering our ability to notice God's presence.

Stuck patterns and solutions. Stuck patterns are recurring, predictable behaviors that keep us disconnected. Attempted solutions are the actions we take to resolve problems, but they often perpetuate the stuck patterns. By recognizing these dynamics, we can begin to break free from them and cultivate healthier relationships.

4. Systems Theory: Understanding Relational Patterns

Differentiation is the tricky skill of functioning as an emotionally healthy individual while staying emotionally connected to other people.

Family as a system. Systems theory, developed by Murray Bowen, views the family as an emotional unit, where each member's behavior affects the others. This theory can be applied to our relationship with God, recognizing that our own dynamics and patterns influence our connection with Him.

Differentiation of self. A key concept in systems theory is differentiation of self, which is the ability to maintain emotional stability and clarity while staying connected to others. This involves getting clear on your own values and boundaries, and not getting caught up in the anxiety of others.

Chronic anxiety. Bowen also identified "chronic anxiety," which is anxiety generated by something false or a perceived need. By understanding our triggers and false needs, we can manage our chronic anxiety and increase our capacity for connectedness and awareness.

5. The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Identifying Core Beliefs

The Stories We Tell Ourselves are filled with firm assumptions we hold about ourselves, God, and The Way Things Are.

Deepest vs. precious beliefs. We all have "precious beliefs" about God, but we also hold deeper, often subconscious, beliefs about ourselves and the world that can block our connection with God. These "deepest beliefs" are often formed in childhood and are based on assumptions that may not be true.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves committee. These beliefs are shaped by a committee of internal voices, including the inner critic, the family of origin propagandist, and the childhood agreements officer. These voices work together to create a narrative that protects us from vulnerability and hurt, but also keeps us stuck.

Sifting our beliefs. By bringing these beliefs to the surface and sifting them through the truth of God's Word, we can begin to dismantle the false reality they create and experience God's love and presence more fully. This requires courage, honesty, and a willingness to challenge our assumptions.

6. Taming the Inner Critic: Replacing Condemnation with Truth

For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

The inner critic's voice. The inner critic is a powerful voice of condemnation that speaks anytime we fall short of our own expectations. It can be harsh, unrelenting, and even abusive, and it can make it difficult to hear God's voice of love and acceptance.

Distinguishing from the Holy Spirit. It's important to distinguish the voice of the inner critic from the voice of the Holy Spirit. The inner critic condemns, while the Holy Spirit convicts. The inner critic blames, while the Holy Spirit offers repentance and forgiveness.

Replacing condemnation with truth. By identifying the messages of our inner critic and comparing them to the truth of God's Word, we can begin to silence its voice and replace its condemnation with God's love, grace, and acceptance. This requires intentionality, practice, and a willingness to believe what God says about us over what we say about ourselves.

7. False Needs: Control, Perfection, Approval, and More

We strive toward something we will never reach and something we were never designed to have.

The Big 5. Every human struggles with five core false needs: control, perfection, knowing the answer, being there for people, and approval. These needs are "false" because they are impossible to fully satisfy and they keep us from depending on God.

Acute vs. chronic anxiety. When we don't get our true needs met, we experience acute anxiety, which is a helpful signal that we are in danger. However, when we don't get our false needs met, we experience chronic anxiety, which is a persistent, low-grade anxiety that keeps us on edge and disconnected from God.

God's character. The Big 5 are actually twisted versions of God's own character traits. God is in control, perfect, all-knowing, always present, and worthy of all approval. By trying to embody these traits ourselves, we are essentially trying to be like God, which is a temptation that dates back to the Garden of Eden.

8. God's Division of Labor: Human-Sized vs. God-Sized Tasks

God is God; we are human.

The division of labor. The key to freedom is recognizing the division of labor between God and us. God is God, and we are human. We cannot do God's job, and we shouldn't try. Our job is to follow Jesus, die to self, and worship God.

Human-sized equivalents. Each of the Big 5 has a human-sized equivalent. For example, instead of trying to control everything, we can focus on attending to detail and creating a positive experience for others. Instead of striving for perfection, we can aim for excellence and continuous improvement.

Self-righteousness. When we try to do God's job, we are essentially practicing self-righteousness, which is depending on ourselves to be well rather than depending on God. By relaxing into being human-sized and trusting God to do His job, we can experience true freedom and peace.

9. The Life-Giving List: Cultivating Gratitude and Joy

The best and only gift you have to offer to God and your people is a well self.

The Life-Giving List. A powerful tool for cultivating gratitude and joy is the Life-Giving List, which is a list of the people, places, and activities that make you feel human, connected, and alive. This list helps you stub your toe on God's love and presence in small and grand ways.

Intentionality and gratitude. By intentionally engaging in the activities on your Life-Giving List and thanking God for them, you can increase your awareness of God's goodness and lower your threshold for worship. This helps you shift your focus from striving to receiving.

Expanding your scope of worship. The Life-Giving List expands your scope of what worship is. It's not just about singing songs or reading Scripture; it's about recognizing God's presence in all aspects of your life, from scratching your dog's ears to sipping cappuccinos in Italy.

10. Unlearning: Re-evaluating Assumptions and Cultural Values

You have heard that it was said . . . But I tell you . . .

Unlearning is essential. Spiritual growth isn't just about learning new things; it's also about unlearning old assumptions and beliefs that are no longer serving us. This can be a painful and challenging process, but it's essential for experiencing true freedom and transformation.

Cultural formation. We are all shaped by our cultural context, and some cultural values can run counter to the gospel. By becoming aware of these values and sifting them through the lens of Scripture, we can resist their influence and live more faithfully for Jesus.

The redemptive gospel. The gospel is both redemptive and preventative, but we must remember that the redemptive aspect is primary. God's love and grace are always available to us, no matter what we've done or what has been done to us. By focusing on God's love first, we can avoid the trap of legalism and experience true freedom in Christ.

Last updated: March 28, 2025