The Explosive Child

1. Challenging behavior stems from lagging skills, not willful defiance

Behaviorally challenging kids are challenging because they're lacking the skills to not be challenging.

Shift in perspective. Traditional views often label challenging kids as manipulative, attention-seeking, or unmotivated. However, these behaviors actually reflect underdeveloped skills in flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving. This paradigm shift is crucial for effective intervention.

Key lagging skills:

• Difficulty handling transitions
• Poor emotional regulation
• Black-and-white thinking
• Difficulty considering multiple solutions
• Challenges in social interactions

Understanding these lagging skills allows caregivers to approach challenging behavior with empathy and targeted support, rather than punishment or blame.

2. Identify unsolved problems to address challenging episodes

Challenging behavior occurs when the demands being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively to those demands.

Predictable patterns. Contrary to the belief that challenging episodes occur randomly, they are often triggered by specific, recurring situations. By identifying these "unsolved problems," caregivers can proactively address the root causes of challenging behavior.

Steps to identify unsolved problems:

1. Observe patterns in challenging episodes
2. Use the Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) tool
3. Be specific and avoid generalizations
4. Focus on situations, not behaviors
5. Prioritize 3-4 high-priority problems to address first

By pinpointing unsolved problems, caregivers can shift from reactive discipline to proactive problem-solving, dramatically reducing the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes.

3. Move from Plan A (adult-imposed solutions) to Plan B (collaborative problem-solving)

Solving problems collaboratively isn't about power. Nor is it about struggling (though it can be hard). It's about clarifying the concerns of both parties and then working toward solutions that address those concerns.

Three approaches to problems:

1. Plan A: Adult-imposed solutions (often ineffective)
2. Plan B: Collaborative problem-solving (most effective)
3. Plan C: Temporarily setting aside the problem

Benefits of Plan B:

• Addresses underlying skills deficits
• Improves communication and relationship
• Teaches problem-solving skills
• Leads to more durable solutions

Plan B represents a fundamental shift from traditional discipline methods. It recognizes the child as a partner in problem-solving, fostering skills development and mutual understanding.

4. Master the three steps of Plan B: Empathy, Define the Problem, and Invitation

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.

Empathy Step: Gather information about the child's perspective without judgment. Use drilling strategies like reflective listening and breaking down problems into components.

Define the Problem Step: Clearly articulate the adult's concerns, focusing on how the problem affects the child or others.

Invitation Step: Collaborate on potential solutions that address both parties' concerns. Ensure solutions are realistic and mutually satisfactory.

Key to success:

• Avoid rushing to solutions
• Listen without judgment
• Be patient and persistent
• Focus on concerns, not behaviors

Mastering these steps allows for effective, collaborative problem-solving that addresses root causes and builds essential skills.

5. Implement Plan B proactively rather than reactively

Proactive Plan B is far preferable to Emergency Plan B.

Proactive vs. Emergency Plan B:

• Proactive: Addresses problems before they escalate
• Emergency: Attempts problem-solving in the heat of the moment

Benefits of proactive implementation:

1. Reduces frequency of challenging episodes
2. Allows for calmer, more productive discussions
3. Teaches skills more effectively
4. Improves relationships over time

To implement proactively:

1. Schedule regular problem-solving discussions
2. Use the ALSUP to identify and prioritize problems
3. Address one problem at a time
4. Follow up and refine solutions as needed

Shifting to a proactive approach transforms discipline from crisis management to skill-building and relationship strengthening.

6. Apply Plan B to siblings, family dynamics, and school settings

Plan B isn't limited to adult–child problem solving. The ingredients of Plan B are equally applicable to unsolved problems between two kids and to those that affect an entire group of kids.

Expanding collaborative problem-solving:

• Sibling conflicts
• Family communication patterns
• Student-teacher interactions
• Peer conflicts at school
• Classroom management

In each context, the core principles remain:

1. Identify underlying concerns
2. Gather information without judgment
3. Collaborate on mutually satisfactory solutions

Adapting Plan B for various relationships and settings creates a consistent, effective approach to problem-solving across all aspects of a child's life.

7. Persist in collaborative problem-solving for long-term success

Show me a behaviorally challenging student who people are trying to fix quickly, and I'll show you a behaviorally challenging kid it's taking a very long time to help.

Long-term perspective. Addressing lagging skills and solving chronic problems requires time, patience, and persistence. Quick fixes are rarely effective for deeply ingrained patterns.

Keys to long-term success:

1. Consistent application of Plan B
2. Regular reassessment of lagging skills and unsolved problems
3. Willingness to refine and adapt solutions
4. Focus on skill-building, not just behavior management
5. Celebration of small improvements

Remember:

• Progress may be incremental
• Setbacks are normal and informative
• The goal is durable change, not temporary compliance

By committing to collaborative problem-solving as an ongoing process, caregivers can foster lasting improvements in skills, behavior, and relationships.

Last updated: November 19, 2024