Raising Human Beings

1. Children do well if they can: Shift your perspective on challenging behavior

Kids do well if they can.

Challenge assumptions. This fundamental shift in perspective encourages parents to move away from the belief that children misbehave due to lack of motivation or willfulness. Instead, it suggests that when children struggle to meet expectations, it's because they lack the skills to do so.

Focus on skills, not will. By adopting this mindset, parents can approach challenging behaviors as opportunities to help their children develop necessary skills rather than as disciplinary issues. This approach leads to more effective problem-solving and fosters a positive parent-child relationship.

Key skills children may lack:

• Frustration tolerance
• Flexibility
• Problem-solving
• Emotional regulation
• Communication

2. Collaborative problem-solving: The key to effective parenting

Plan B involves solving a problem collaboratively.

Partnership, not power. Collaborative problem-solving (Plan B) is the cornerstone of effective parenting. It involves working together with your child to identify and solve problems, rather than imposing solutions unilaterally.

Build skills and relationships. This approach not only addresses immediate issues but also helps children develop crucial life skills such as empathy, perspective-taking, and problem-solving. It strengthens the parent-child relationship by fostering mutual understanding and respect.

Benefits of collaborative problem-solving:

• Improves communication
• Develops problem-solving skills
• Increases mutual understanding
• Reduces conflict
• Builds trust and respect

3. The three plans: A, B, and C for addressing unsolved problems

Plan A involves solving a problem unilaterally.

Understand your options. The book introduces three distinct approaches to addressing unsolved problems with children: Plan A (imposing adult will), Plan B (collaborative problem-solving), and Plan C (temporarily setting aside the problem).

Choose wisely. While Plan A may seem efficient in the short term, it often leads to power struggles and doesn't help children develop important skills. Plan B is the preferred approach for most situations, while Plan C can be useful when prioritizing other issues or when the expectation may be unrealistic for the child's current developmental stage.

Characteristics of each plan:

• Plan A: Quick, adult-driven, may lead to conflict
• Plan B: Collaborative, skill-building, time-intensive
• Plan C: Prioritizes other issues, adapts expectations

4. Empathy step: Understand your child's concerns and perspective

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand her concern, perspective, or point of view on a given unsolved problem.

Listen to understand. The first step in collaborative problem-solving is to gather information about your child's perspective on the unsolved problem. This involves asking open-ended questions and using reflective listening techniques to truly understand their concerns.

Validate feelings. By showing genuine interest in your child's point of view, you validate their feelings and experiences. This creates a foundation of trust and openness that is crucial for effective problem-solving.

Effective empathy techniques:

• Ask open-ended questions
• Use reflective listening
• Avoid judgment or criticism
• Encourage elaboration
• Summarize and clarify

5. Define adult concerns: Communicate your perspective effectively

The Define-Adult-Concerns step involves communicating your concern, perspective, or point of view on the same problem.

Share your perspective. After understanding your child's concerns, it's important to clearly communicate your own perspective on the unsolved problem. This step ensures that both parties' concerns are on the table for consideration.

Focus on concerns, not solutions. When sharing your perspective, focus on expressing your concerns rather than jumping to solutions. This keeps the conversation open and collaborative, rather than becoming a debate about competing solutions.

Types of adult concerns:

• Safety issues
• Impact on others
• Long-term consequences
• Family values or rules
• Developmental considerations

6. Invitation step: Work together on mutually satisfactory solutions

The Invitation step is when you and your child discuss and agree on a solution that (a) is realistic, meaning both parties can actually do what they're agreeing to do, and (b) will address the concerns of both parties.

Brainstorm together. In this final step, you and your child work together to generate potential solutions that address both of your concerns. Encourage creative thinking and consider multiple options before settling on a solution.

Evaluate solutions. Assess each proposed solution based on two criteria: Is it realistic for both parties to implement? Does it adequately address the concerns of both the child and the adult? This ensures that the chosen solution is both practical and effective.

Key aspects of the Invitation step:

• Encourage creative thinking
• Consider multiple options
• Assess feasibility and effectiveness
• Be open to compromise
• Agree on a plan to implement and review the solution

7. Proactive problem-solving: Address issues before they escalate

Problems don't pop up—it just feels that way (before you've made your list and established your priorities).

Plan ahead. Proactive problem-solving involves identifying and addressing potential issues before they become major conflicts. This approach reduces stress and prevents the need for reactive, emergency problem-solving.

Prioritize issues. Create a list of unsolved problems and prioritize them based on their importance and impact. This allows you to focus your energy on the most critical issues and prevents feeling overwhelmed by trying to solve everything at once.

Steps for proactive problem-solving:

1. Identify potential issues
2. Prioritize based on importance
3. Schedule time for collaborative problem-solving
4. Address issues systematically
5. Review and adjust solutions as needed

8. Foster positive human qualities through collaborative parenting

The true power of our species is our capacity for characteristics on the more positive side of the spectrum.

Cultivate empathy and understanding. Collaborative problem-solving helps children develop crucial skills such as empathy, perspective-taking, and conflict resolution. These skills are essential for fostering positive human qualities and creating a more compassionate society.

Model desired behaviors. By engaging in collaborative problem-solving, parents model important skills and behaviors for their children. This approach helps children internalize these positive qualities and apply them in their own relationships and interactions.

Positive qualities fostered through collaborative parenting:

• Empathy
• Perspective-taking
• Conflict resolution
• Effective communication
• Emotional regulation
• Problem-solving
• Cooperation

9. Manage parental anxiety and maintain perspective

Life is filled with uncertainties. You can't know or control the outcome.

Recognize anxiety triggers. Parental anxiety can lead to overreaction and a return to more controlling parenting methods. Identify your anxiety triggers and work on managing them to maintain a collaborative approach.

Focus on the big picture. Remember that your child's development is a long-term process. Avoid getting caught up in short-term setbacks or comparisons to other children. Instead, focus on fostering a strong relationship and helping your child develop important life skills.

Strategies for managing parental anxiety:

• Practice mindfulness
• Seek support from other parents
• Focus on progress, not perfection
• Celebrate small victories
• Maintain self-care practices

10. Adapt your approach as your child develops and matures

Parenting is a partnership too. You need to collaborate with each other.

Evolve with your child. As your child grows and develops, their needs and abilities change. Be prepared to adapt your parenting approach to meet these changing needs while maintaining a collaborative problem-solving foundation.

Prepare for independence. The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a capable, independent adult. Gradually increase your child's autonomy and decision-making responsibilities as they demonstrate readiness, while continuing to provide support and guidance.

Key developmental stages to consider:

• Infancy: Focus on responsiveness and meeting basic needs
• Toddlerhood: Introduce simple problem-solving and choice-making
• School-age: Expand collaborative problem-solving to more complex issues
• Adolescence: Increase autonomy while maintaining open communication
• Young adulthood: Transition to a supportive, advisory role

Last updated: January 25, 2025