The Great Sex Rescue

1. Sex is meant to be a deeply personal, pleasurable, and pure experience for both partners

"Sex was designed to allow us to enter into a state of joyful abandon, to completely surrender ourselves to the other in an ecstasy of trust and love."

God's design for sex is far more than just physical release. It encompasses emotional and spiritual intimacy, mutual pleasure, and a deep "knowing" of one another. The authors propose that a healthy sex life should be:

• Personal: A chance to truly become one and know each other deeply
• Pleasurable: Designed to feel good for both partners
• Pure: Free from sexual sin and infidelity
• Prioritized: Recognized as a vital part of a healthy marriage
• Pressure-free: A gift freely given, not coerced or manipulated
• Putting the other first: Considering your spouse's needs before your own
• Passionate: Allowing for joyful abandon and complete surrender

This holistic view of sex contrasts sharply with many cultural and religious messages that reduce it to mere physical acts or duties.

2. The "orgasm gap" reveals a need for better understanding of female pleasure

"We'd like to see that orgasm gap close, but that will only happen when we start to believe that she doesn't just need to "catch up"; he may need to slow down."

Female pleasure matters. The authors' survey found that while 95% of men orgasm every or almost every time they have sex, only 48% of women do. This "orgasm gap" highlights the need for better education and understanding of female sexuality. Key findings include:

• Only 39% of women who can orgasm do so through penetrative intercourse alone
• Adequate foreplay makes a woman 6.43 times more likely to orgasm frequently
• Women who experience closeness during sex are five times more likely to orgasm reliably

The authors argue that closing this gap requires a shift in mindset from viewing female pleasure as optional to seeing it as equally important as male pleasure. This involves prioritizing foreplay, communication, and exploration of what works for each individual woman.

3. Arousal is crucial for women's sexual satisfaction and should not be rushed

"Save sex for when you're married, and then once you're married, don't have sex until your body is begging for it!"

Arousal is key. Many women struggle with sexual satisfaction because they skip the crucial step of becoming fully aroused before engaging in sexual activity. The authors emphasize that arousal is like a necessary train stop on the way to orgasm. Key points include:

• Arousal often takes longer for women than men
• Rushing into intercourse without proper arousal can lead to pain and dissatisfaction
• The "gatekeeper" mentality taught to many women can inhibit their ability to relax and become aroused

To address this, couples should:

• Take time for extensive foreplay
• Focus on building emotional connection
• Allow arousal to build naturally without pressure
• Communicate openly about desires and comfort levels

4. The "every man's battle" mentality harms both men and women

"When we are repeatedly told by our churches and the Christian media we consume that we can't trust our husbands, even if our husbands are trustworthy, that plants seeds of doubt."

Lust is not inevitable. The popular teaching that all men constantly struggle with lust creates unnecessary fear and mistrust in relationships. The authors' research shows that this belief:

• Decreases women's marital and sexual satisfaction
• Makes women 79% more likely to have sex out of obligation
• Reduces women's sexual arousal by 59%
• Increases the likelihood of women mistrusting their husbands by 43%

Instead of perpetuating this harmful mindset, the authors advocate for:

• Recognizing that noticing attractiveness is not the same as lusting
• Encouraging men to see women as whole people, not potential threats
• Promoting self-control and respect as attainable virtues for all genders

5. Porn use damages relationships and cannot be solved by more frequent sex

"You cannot free someone from their sin—that was Jesus's job on the cross, not yours in the bedroom."

Porn is a serious issue. The authors found that approximately 29% of Christian women believe their husbands use porn, while 13% of married Christian women report using it themselves. Many resources suggest that increased sexual frequency can prevent porn use, but this advice is misguided and harmful. The authors' research shows:

• Women who believe frequent sex prevents porn use are 37% more likely to have sex out of obligation
• These women are also 24% less likely to orgasm reliably
• Porn use can lead to erectile dysfunction and decreased marital satisfaction

Instead of placing responsibility on the non-porn-using spouse, the authors recommend:

• Addressing porn use as a serious issue requiring professional help
• Focusing on rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship
• Recognizing that increased sex is not a cure for addiction

6. Libido differences are normal and can be navigated with mutual understanding

"Libido exists on a spectrum, and a couple will occupy two points of that spectrum. One will be higher, one will be lower, or the two will overlap."

Differing sex drives are common. The authors found that in 58.5% of marriages, wives have lower libidos than their husbands. However, this is not universal, and libido differences should not be viewed as a problem to be solved, but as a normal variation to be navigated. Key points include:

• 41.5% of marriages do not have wives with lower libidos
• Libido can be spontaneous (feeling desire before arousal) or responsive (arousal leading to desire)
• Libido differences are often situational and can change over time

To navigate libido differences, couples should:

• Communicate openly about desires and needs
• Focus on quality of sexual encounters, not just frequency
• Address underlying relationship issues that may affect libido
• Avoid pressuring the lower-drive spouse or shaming the higher-drive spouse

7. The "obligation sex" message is harmful and contradicts the true purpose of intimacy

"When you are repeatedly told that you are not allowed to say no to sex and that what you need is less important than what your spouse needs, that is a deep rejection of you as a person."

Consent matters in marriage. The authors' research shows that the widespread teaching that wives must always be sexually available to their husbands is deeply harmful. Women who enter marriage believing they are obligated to have sex whenever their husbands want are:

• 37% more likely to experience sexual pain
• 29% less likely to orgasm frequently

This message:

• Erases women's personhood and agency
• Creates feelings of being used rather than loved
• Can lead to trauma and sexual aversion

Instead, the authors advocate for viewing sex as a mutual gift, freely given and received by both spouses. They emphasize that "do not deprive" does not mean "never refuse," and that both spouses' needs and desires matter equally.

8. Marital rape and sexual coercion have no place in a healthy relationship

"Marital rape is real, wrong, and illegal."

Consent is crucial. The authors found that many Christian resources fail to address or even inadvertently condone marital rape and sexual coercion. This leaves many women without the language to describe their experiences or the understanding that what they're experiencing is wrong. The authors emphasize that:

• Marital rape and sexual assault are real and damaging
• Coercion through anger, guilt, or spiritual manipulation is not acceptable
• Pain or discomfort during sex should always be addressed, not ignored

To combat this, the authors call for:

• Clear teaching on consent within marriage
• Recognition of marital rape as a serious issue
• Encouragement for couples to seek help if there are issues of pain or coercion

9. Kindness and mutual serving are foundational to a fulfilling sex life

"Kindness to your spouse means considering their needs as you consider your own."

Be kind to each other. The authors emphasize that at its core, a fulfilling sex life is built on a foundation of mutual kindness and consideration. This involves:

• Prioritizing your spouse's comfort and pleasure
• Being patient with physical limitations or health issues
• Addressing personal hygiene and health concerns that may affect intimacy
• Communicating openly about desires and boundaries

They argue that true kindness in the bedroom reflects Christ's sacrificial love and serves as a powerful way to strengthen the overall marriage relationship.

10. Passion in sex requires vulnerability, trust, and freedom from shame

"Passion happens when we fully give ourselves to our spouse and we hold nothing back."

Embrace vulnerability. The authors argue that truly passionate sex requires a level of emotional and physical vulnerability that can only exist in a relationship marked by deep trust and freedom from shame. To cultivate this:

• Work on building emotional intimacy outside the bedroom
• Address any lingering shame or negative messages about sex
• Communicate openly about desires, fears, and insecurities
• Focus on mutual pleasure and connection, not performance

By embracing this vulnerability and rejecting harmful teachings about sex, couples can experience the passionate, intimate, and fulfilling sex life that God designed for marriage.

Last updated: August 10, 2024