The Language of Emotions

1. Emotions: Your Indispensable Native Language

When you can learn their language, you can change your life. When we can all learn their language, we can change the world.

Vital components. Emotions are not problems to be solved, but rather vital and irreplaceable aspects of cognition, meaning-making, behavior, and intelligence. They are a source of energy, self-knowledge, interpersonal awareness, and profound healing. Emotions are the key to a conscious life.

Emotional intelligence. Emotions contain indispensable vitality that can be channeled toward self-knowledge, interpersonal awareness, and profound healing. Emotions are often categorized, celebrated, vilified, repressed, manipulated, humiliated, adored, and ignored. Rarely, if ever, are they honored. Rarely, if ever, are they seen as distinct and vital healing forces.

Emotions as messengers. Emotions carry distinct and diverse messages that can be distinguished clearly. The emotions were completely distinct and obvious to me – yet I found support nowhere, I found information nowhere, and I was completely alone (with humans, anyway) in my perceptions. I realized early on that my relationship with emotions could not be solved in the everyday world. My solutions would have to come from another place altogether.

2. Empathy: The Key to Understanding Emotions

Through empathy, we can hear the meaning behind words, decipher the postures people unconsciously adopt, and understand the emotional states of others.

Empathy defined. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It encompasses our capacity to understand and engage deeply with anything: emotions, ideas, concepts, people, animals, art, drama, literature, plumbing, physics, mathematics, systems . . . you name it.

Empathy's double edge. Empathy makes us sensitive, interactive, and intuitive, but it is a double-edged sword. Hyper-empathic people who are tuned in to emotions can get right to the center of many issues (they often feel what other people refuse to acknowledge), but in a species that can’t figure out what emotions are, let alone how to deal with them, strong empathy is a difficult skill to possess.

Empathy's decline. Most of us learn to shut it off or dampen it as we acquire verbal language. Most of us learn, by the age of 4 or 5, to hide, squelch, or camouflage our emotions in social situations. We catch on very quickly to the fact that most people are inauthentic with one another – they lie about their feelings, leave important words unsaid, and trample unheedingly over each other’s obvious emotional cues.

3. Channeling Emotions: The Middle Path

Instead of merely expressing or repressing your emotions, you can learn to listen to them, understand them, and work with them intentionally.

Beyond expression and repression. Instead of treating emotions as problems to be solved or eradicated, focus on them as the vital and irreplaceable aspects of cognition, meaning-making, behavior, and intelligence they truly are. Expression and repression can be useful in some circumstances, but you can also learn how to work directly with your emotions and channel them skillfully.

The problem with expression. Emotional expression can make us dependent upon external action, books, friends and family, or therapists for emotional relief. If these external supports are not available to us, we might not be able to work with our feelings because our emotional skills will depend on things or people outside of ourselves.

The problem with repression. Shoving the emotions back where they came from – without consciously working with them – creates an unpleasant short circuit in the psyche. The unconscious then has two choices: to increase the intensity of the emotion and present it to us one more time, or to give up on us and stuff the emotional energy deep into our psyches.

4. The Quaternity: Balancing Your Inner Village

Genius appears everywhere, but never so magnificently as in a life well lived.

The four elements. The four-element, or quaternity, model, where earth is the physical world and your body, air is your mental and intellectual realm, water is your emotional and artistic realm, and fire is your visionary or spiritual realm. This model gives us a way to both deepen and clarify our understanding of concepts.

Multiple intelligences. Howard Gardner's work on multiple intelligences identifies more than just the logical intelligence that most people focused on at the time. Four of these intelligences are linguistic intelligence, musical intelligence, bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, and spatial intelligence. Another two intelligences Dr. Gardner identified are interpersonal intelligence, which allows us to understand the intentions, motivations, and desires of others, and intrapersonal intelligence, which gives us the ability to understand our own motivations, intentions, and desires.

The importance of balance. When we can stand balanced and upright at the center of our lives – at the center of our well-considered thoughts, our well-cared-for bodies, our honored emotions, and our far-reaching vision – we won’t be merely intelligent about emotions, and we won’t simply bring balance to our psyches. We will be ingenious, inquiring explorers who can bring new awareness to our deepest issues, new commitment to each of our relationships, and new dedication to a waiting world.

5. Trauma's Shadow: Unhealed Wounds and Dissociation

Sexual assault is an initiation – done at the wrong time, in the wrong way, by the wrong person, with the wrong intent – but nevertheless, it is an initiation.

Trauma's impact. Trauma occurs when an event overwhelms your capacity to respond. It's a separation from the regular world and a wounding that changes the initiate forever.

Dissociation as a response. Dissociation is a natural protective response to overwhelming stimuli, but when the overwhelming stimulus is repeated, dissociation can become a repetitive act that ensures survival. Dissociation, which is often a child’s only defense, therefore becomes a dependable and comforting escape route.

The ripple effect. Trauma survivors tend to affect the people around them; they tend to create an atmosphere that provokes dissociation and avoidance behaviors in their circle of friends and family. Some trauma survivors did this by unconsciously visiting traumas (emotional or physical) on the people around them, but some did it merely by being emotionally unavailable in their relationships (which sent the people around them into discomfort and avoidance behaviors).

6. Addiction, Distraction, and the Search for Relief

We don’t use drugs or distractions by accident, by mistake, or without reason.

The purpose of distractions. Distractions and addictions function as survival skills that offer a sense of distance when we’re overwhelmed. We use distractions to manage our work lives, our relationships, our families, our health care, our thought processes, and especially our emotions.

The problem with distractions. Distractions don’t bring balance, wholeness, or true flow, but when we’re taught to separate every element and intelligence, categorize every emotion, and seriously distrust flow, then addictions and distractions can provide some peace.

Empathy for addiction. When we can observe avoidance, distraction, and addiction from an empathic perspective, we can bring clarity to the experience of addiction and distraction. If we can understand what sorts of relief distracting substances or practices give us, we can understand why we gravitate toward each one.

7. The Three Stages of Initiation: Trauma as a Perverted Rite

Beyond sculptures and symphonies, beyond great works and masterpieces is the greater, finer art of creating a conscious life.

The three stages. Intentional initiation rituals are performed as a way to guide group members through life’s transitions. The three stages of initiation are:

1. Being isolated or separated from the known world
2. Having an ordeal or brush with death
3. Being recognized and welcomed back as an initiated person

Trauma as initiation. Sexual assault is an initiation – done at the wrong time, in the wrong way, by the wrong person, with the wrong intent – but nevertheless, it is an initiation; it’s a separation from the regular world and a wounding that changes the initiate forever.

The need for completion. Initiatory knowledge says that if stage three is not completed (for whatever reason), the initiate must cycle through the first two stages of initiation once again. Initiation is a three-stage process that does not conclude until all three stages have been completed.

8. Anger: The Honorable Boundary Holder

Anger acts as the honorable sentry or boundary holder of the psyche.

Anger's purpose. Anger acts as the honorable sentry or boundary holder of the psyche. It helps us set effective boundaries, protect ourselves and others, and restore what has been broken.

The problem with repression. If we ignore and repress an emotion, we won’t erase its message – we’ll just shoot the messenger and interfere with an important natural process. The unconscious then has two choices: to increase the intensity of the emotion and present it to us one more time, or to give up on us and stuff the emotional energy deep into our psyches.

The problem with expression. Expressing strong emotions at others can damage our sense of personal boundaries and our self-esteem. Then, our damaged boundaries tend to make us less able to manage our emotions properly the next time, and we tend to slide into an almost uncontrollable habit of flinging our strong emotions all over the place.

9. Fear: The Gift of Intuition and Instinct

Fear is our intuition and our instincts about the present, without which we would be endangered at all times.

Fear's true nature. Fear is not a negative emotion to be avoided, but rather a vital source of intuition and instincts that helps us navigate the present moment and take appropriate action. It focuses you and all of your senses, it scans your environment and your stored memories, and it increases your ability to respond effectively to new or changing situations.

The problem with demonizing fear. When we demonize fear, we lose access to its valuable insights and put ourselves in danger. We become less able to manage our emotions properly the next time, and we tend to slide into an almost uncontrollable habit of flinging our strong emotions all over the place.

Channeling fear. If you can bring your fear forward when you’re troubled or upset, you can access the information you need to calmly figure out what’s going on; you don’t need to feel afraid to access the gifts your fear brings you. You can simply rely on its present-moment focus in the way you did when you listened for that quietest sound.

10. Sadness: The Cleansing Water Bearer

Sadness offers life-giving fluidity and rejuvenation, but very few people welcome sadness.

Sadness's role. Sadness offers life-giving fluidity and rejuvenation. It helps us release what no longer serves us, connect with our inner selves, and restore a sense of flow to our lives.

The problem with suppressing sadness. If we mistakenly fight our sadness, our lives will soon become cluttered and unworkable anyway. If we can instead move honorably into sadness, we’ll be able to let go and find the rejuvenation and healing that live at the very heart of sadness.

Channeling sadness. To channel your sadness, you just relax, soften, and let go. Of course, you can cry when you need to, but take care; our distrust of emotions means that a crying person may lose face or be shunned. Luckily, if it’s not safe to cry, you don’t need to repress your sadness any longer; instead, you can welcome its softness, breathe gently, let go, and channel your sadness skillfully and respectfully within the privacy of your own body.

11. The Happiness Family: Acknowledging the Full Spectrum

I also see quite clearly that happiness and joy can become dangerous if they are trumpeted as the emotions of choice, as the only emotions any of us should ever feel.

The danger of forced positivity. I’ve seen so many people whose lives imploded after they disallowed the protection of anger, the intuition of fear, the rejuvenation of sadness, and the ingenuity of depression in order to feel only joy. In short, throughout my life I’ve found that what we’re taught about emotions is not only wrong, it’s often dead wrong.

The importance of balance. Joy and happiness can only exist in relation to all of the emotions; they’re a boxed set. We can’t just pick and choose our emotions. That would be like picking and choosing certain glands and organs (I want only my heart and brain – none of those gooey digestive organs) or deciding to walk using only the two most attractive toes on each foot.

The happiness family. The happiness family needs questions. Originally, they only had statements of acknowledgment, and I thank DEI professional Heather Giasson (and everyone else who argued with me for years) for finally helping me understand why the happiness family needs questions.

12. The Suicidal Urge: The Darkness Before Dawn

The suicidal urge isn’t a disease but a strangely ingenious constellation of factors that erect a vital stop sign in the psyche.

The suicidal urge's purpose. The suicidal urge isn’t a literal death wish; it’s a signal that something in your life needs to end. It's a call for transformation and rebirth.

The importance of support. If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, it’s crucial to seek help from a mental health professional. There is good help available (an excellent place to start is the nonprofit website HelpGuide.org), and if you have any ongoing imbalances in your emotional realm, asking for and receiving help is an excellent idea.

Channeling the urge. If you can work with the concepts and practices in this book, you can learn to channel the energy of the suicidal urge into positive change and create a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

Last updated: April 14, 2025