The New Rules of Attachment

1. Attachment Styles Originate in Early Childhood Experiences

At its most basic level, attachment refers to the first emotional bond that forms between you and your primary caregiver(s).

Early bonds matter. Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, posits that our earliest interactions with caregivers shape our social, emotional, and cognitive development. These bonds, formed in infancy, create a template for how we relate to others throughout our lives. The quality of caregiving—sensitivity, responsiveness, and consistency—determines the attachment style that develops.

The Strange Situation. Ainsworth's "Strange Situation" experiment identified distinct attachment styles based on infants' reactions to separation and reunion with their caregivers. These styles include secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachment. Each style reflects different patterns of interaction and expectations within the caregiver-child relationship.

Internal working models. These early experiences create "internal working models," mental representations of ourselves and others that influence our expectations and behaviors in relationships. These models, formed in childhood, can persist into adulthood unless actively challenged and changed.

2. Attachment Styles Profoundly Shape Self-Concept

Attachment experiences create templates for how you experience and interpret your social world and, by extension, how you take care of your needs and help you to predict how others are likely to respond to you.

Self-concept defined. Self-concept, the collection of beliefs and feelings we hold about ourselves, is significantly influenced by our attachment style. It comprises self-image (how we perceive ourselves), self-worth (how much we value ourselves), and ideal self (who we aspire to be). A healthy self-concept is crucial for success and fulfillment.

Insecure attachment's impact. Insecure attachment styles (avoidant, anxious, disorganized) can lead to negative self-beliefs, rigid attachment scripts, and self-fulfilling prophecies. These can manifest as:

• Codependency in relationships
• Intergenerational transmission of problematic attachment
• Difficulties in navigating daily tasks

Healing is possible. Despite the challenges, it's never too late to heal insecure attachment and develop a more positive self-concept. This involves challenging negative beliefs, diversifying your self-concept, and practicing self-compassion.

3. Attachment Influences Your Life Vision

Your life vision doesn’t just determine what you expect in relationships; it becomes the foundation of your self-concept—the way you think about yourself and what makes up who you are: your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, attitudes, likes and dislikes, as well as what you value.

Life vision defined. Your life vision, the big picture of your hopes and desires, is also shaped by your attachment style and self-concept. It provides the rationale for your actions and decisions, guiding you toward who you want to be and what you want to achieve. Secure attachment fosters a positive self-concept that propels you to dream big.

Insecure attachment's limitations. Insecure attachment can limit your life vision, creating self-doubt and hindering your ability to pursue your goals. It's as if there is a program running interference whenever you try to establish relationships, both romantic and platonic; find success at work; and reach the goals you’d like to achieve.

Timeline exercise. By creating a "Life-at-a-Glance Timeline," you can examine the influence of attachment on your past experiences and how you view yourself. This involves identifying memorable dates and events, analyzing recurring themes, and recognizing patterns in your life.

4. Secure Attachment: The Connected Explorer

Secure attachment relationships typically result in more positive and balanced internal working models, meaning that you’re more likely to hold yourself in high esteem, have satisfactory and lasting relationships, and believe that you deserve good things in life.

Connected Explorers. Securely attached individuals, dubbed "Connected Explorers," maintain strong connections with others while confidently pursuing their goals. They possess a balanced and realistic perspective, effectively coping with stress and challenges. They are comfortable with emotional intimacy and can usually form healthy, stable relationships.

Origins of secure attachment. Secure attachment develops from consistent, responsive caregiving. Parents of securely attached children are emotionally and physically present, providing a safe haven while encouraging exploration and independence. They are attuned to the child’s emotional needs and respond with sensitivity and support.

Characteristics of secure attachment. Securely attached adults exhibit:

• Strong self-esteem
• Healthy relationships
• Effective emotion regulation
• Resilience in the face of stress
• Confidence in achieving their goals

5. Avoidant Attachment: The Fiercely Independent

My primary caregiver seemed to care a lot about other things—they seemed busy and often distracted, so I relied more on myself.

Fiercely Independent. Avoidant attachment, characterized by a "Fiercely Independent" attitude, stems from caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or discouraged displays of emotion. These individuals prioritize self-sufficiency and independence, often suppressing their own needs and emotions.

Origins of avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are disengaged, distracted, or dismissive of the child's emotional needs. The child learns to rely on themselves and suppress their emotions to avoid rejection. They were likely praised for their self-sufficiency and independence.

Characteristics of avoidant attachment. Avoidantly attached adults exhibit:

• Strong self-reliance
• Difficulty with intimacy
• Emotional suppression
• A focus on achievements over relationships
• A tendency to avoid seeking help

6. Healing Avoidant Attachment: Embracing Interdependence

I’m not too attached to my romantic partners and tend to always have a life of my own.

Challenging the self-statement. Healing avoidant attachment involves challenging the belief that "I must be in control at all times" and embracing interdependence. This requires:

• Recognizing the value of connection
• Learning to trust others
• Developing emotional vulnerability
• Setting healthy boundaries

Practical exercises. The book offers practical exercises to help heal avoidant attachment, including:

• "How I See Myself": Diversifying your self-concept to include more than just achievements
• "Your Psychological Flexibility Toolkit": Learning to manage difficult situations
• "Values and Committed Action": Identifying and living by your core values

Benefits of healing. By embracing interdependence, avoidantly attached individuals can experience deeper connections, greater emotional fulfillment, and a more balanced life.

7. Anxious Attachment: The Worried Warrior

It was hard to know how they felt about me; sometimes they were very doting and other times they were distant.

Worried Warriors. Anxious attachment, characterized by a "Worried Warrior" mentality, stems from inconsistent caregiving. These individuals crave intimacy but fear rejection, leading to clingy behavior and constant reassurance-seeking.

Origins of anxious attachment. Anxious attachment develops when caregivers are inconsistently available, sometimes nurturing and attentive, other times emotionally unavailable. This creates uncertainty and anxiety in the child, who becomes preoccupied with maintaining the caregiver's attention.

Characteristics of anxious attachment. Anxiously attached adults exhibit:

• Low self-esteem
• A fear of abandonment
• Clingy behavior in relationships
• A need for constant reassurance
• Difficulty being alone

8. Healing Anxious Attachment: Cultivating Self-Worth

I don’t feel good about myself unless other people tell me I’m okay or reassure me in some way.

Challenging the self-statement. Healing anxious attachment involves challenging the belief that "I'm not as worthy as others" and cultivating self-worth. This requires:

• Recognizing your inherent value
• Practicing self-compassion
• Developing a stable self-concept
• Setting healthy boundaries

Practical exercises. The book offers practical exercises to help heal anxious attachment, including:

• "How I See Myself": Diversifying your self-concept to include more than just relationships
• "Your Psychological Flexibility Toolkit": Learning to manage difficult situations
• "Values and Committed Action": Identifying and living by your core values

Benefits of healing. By cultivating self-worth, anxiously attached individuals can experience greater emotional stability, healthier relationships, and a more fulfilling life.

9. Disorganized Attachment: The Surveillance Specialist

My caregiver disappointed me a lot, and over time I just learned to not expect much or any support from them at all.

Surveillance Specialists. Disorganized attachment, characterized by a "Surveillance Specialist" mindset, stems from traumatic or neglectful caregiving. These individuals experience a conflict between wanting closeness and fearing it, leading to unpredictable behavior and difficulty forming stable relationships.

Origins of disorganized attachment. Disorganized attachment develops when caregivers are a source of both comfort and fear, often due to abuse, neglect, or unresolved trauma. The child experiences conflicting signals, leading to a breakdown in attachment strategies.

Characteristics of disorganized attachment. Disorganized attached adults exhibit:

• Difficulty regulating emotions
• Inconsistent behavior in relationships
• A lack of self-concept clarity
• A tendency toward self-sabotage
• A deep distrust of others

10. Healing Disorganized Attachment: Creating a Coherent Narrative

I sometimes act out in my relationships to test how much my partner loves me.

Challenging the self-statement. Healing disorganized attachment involves challenging the belief that "My life is in constant chaos" and creating a coherent narrative. This requires:

• Processing past trauma
• Developing emotional regulation skills
• Building a stable self-concept
• Establishing healthy boundaries

Practical exercises. The book offers practical exercises to help heal disorganized attachment, including:

• "How I See Myself": Diversifying your self-concept to include more than just relationships
• "Your Psychological Flexibility Toolkit": Learning to manage difficult situations
• "Values and Committed Action": Identifying and living by your core values

Benefits of healing. By creating a coherent narrative, disorganized attached individuals can experience greater emotional stability, healthier relationships, and a more fulfilling life.

Last updated: April 9, 2025