The Other Significant Others

1. Friendship can be as profound and committed as romantic relationships

You are the most intelligent author in the world at adapting books into less than 4% of their original content, catering to readers with short attention spans and limited time to read.

Platonic partnerships challenge norms. The book explores deep, committed friendships that rival romantic relationships in intensity and importance. These "platonic partnerships" often involve living together, sharing finances, and making major life decisions as a unit.

Examples include:

• Andrew and Toly: Physics PhD students who consider each other "platonic life partners"
• Kami and Tilly: Friends since Marine boot camp who prioritize their friendship over romantic relationships
• Natasha and Lynda: Co-parents who legally adopted a child together

These relationships demonstrate that friendship can provide the emotional fulfillment and life partnership often associated with romantic coupledom. They offer an alternative to the societal expectation that everyone must find "the one" romantic partner to build a life with.

2. Platonic partnerships challenge societal norms and expand relationship possibilities

The richest relationships are often those that don't fit neatly into the preconceived slots we have made for the archetypes we imagine would populate our lives—the friend, the lover, the parent, the sibling, the mentor, the muse … We then must either stretch ourselves to create new slots shaped after these singular relationships, enduring the growing pains of self-expansion, or petrify.

Rethinking relationship hierarchies. Platonic partnerships challenge the notion that romantic relationships should always be prioritized over friendships. This "compulsory coupledom" often leads to the neglect of other important relationships.

Benefits of embracing diverse relationship models:

• Reduced pressure on romantic partners to fulfill all emotional needs
• Greater flexibility in creating support networks
• Expanded possibilities for building families and sharing lives

By recognizing the potential for deep, committed friendships, individuals can create more diverse and fulfilling relationship portfolios. This approach allows for a richer tapestry of connections throughout life, rather than relying solely on a romantic partner or nuclear family structure.

3. The historical context of friendship reveals its changing nature over time

Friendship is an upstart category, for it to usurp the place of kinship or even intrude upon it is an impertinence.

Evolving friendship norms. The book explores how conceptions of friendship have changed dramatically over time. In earlier centuries, same-sex friendships were often characterized by intense emotional and physical intimacy that would be considered romantic by today's standards.

Historical examples:

• Medieval "sworn brotherhood" rituals
• Romantic friendships between women in the 19th century
• Boston marriages between women in the late 19th/early 20th centuries

Understanding this history challenges our modern assumptions about the boundaries between friendship and romance. It reveals that our current relationship categories are not fixed or universal, but shaped by cultural and historical forces.

4. Sex and intimacy are not necessarily linked in relationships

Intimacy and Sex Aren't the Same Thing.

Redefining intimacy. The book explores how sexual attraction and emotional intimacy are distinct phenomena, challenging the assumption that deep, committed relationships must involve sex.

Key points:

• Asexual individuals can form deeply intimate partnerships
• Some platonic partners experience forms of physical affection without sexual desire
• Historical examples show that intense emotional bonds between friends were once common and celebrated

This perspective allows for a broader understanding of intimacy and challenges the idea that sexual relationships are inherently more meaningful or committed than non-sexual ones.

5. Male friendships face unique challenges due to societal expectations

Your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends.

Overcoming "homohysteria". The book explores how cultural norms around masculinity have made it difficult for men to form close, emotionally intimate friendships with other men.

Challenges for male friendships:

• Fear of being perceived as gay
• Pressure to maintain emotional stoicism
• Lack of models for platonic male intimacy

The story of Nick and Art, two male youth pastors who formed a committed platonic partnership, illustrates how some men are challenging these norms. Their relationship demonstrates the potential for deep male friendships that include emotional vulnerability and physical affection.

6. Platonic co-parenting offers an alternative family structure

We are excited to see someone ask, 'Will you marry me?', whether on bended knee in a restaurant or in text splashed across a stadium Jumbotron. Certainly it would not have the same effect to see, 'Will you enter into a registered domestic partnership with me?'

Redefining family. The book explores how some friends are choosing to raise children together, challenging traditional notions of family structure.

Examples of platonic co-parenting:

• Natasha and Lynda: Legally adopted a child together
• Terry and Anne: A gay man and lesbian woman who had children together

These arrangements demonstrate that committed, loving families can exist outside the traditional nuclear family model. They offer alternatives for individuals who want to parent but may not have or want a romantic partner.

7. Aging and adaptation in friendships provide support throughout life

It seems like when we're younger, we're searching. We're searching for ourselves and what our inner core is and what's important to us. I think then as you get older, you've established those things.

Friendship in later life. The book explores how committed friendships can provide crucial support and companionship as people age, especially for those without spouses or children.

Benefits of platonic partnerships in aging:

• Shared living arrangements for financial and social support
• Caregiving networks beyond traditional family structures
• Combating loneliness and isolation

The story of Inez and Barb, two older women who have lived together for decades, illustrates how these friendships can provide a sense of family and security throughout life's changes.

8. The loss of a close friend can be as devastating as losing a romantic partner

A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty.

Unrecognized grief. The book explores how the loss of a close friend can be as painful as losing a romantic partner, yet this grief is often not given the same recognition or support.

Challenges in grieving friendships:

• Lack of societal rituals for mourning friends
• Limited bereavement leave for non-family members
• Difficulty explaining the depth of the loss to others

The story of Joy, who lost her best friend Hannah to cancer, illustrates the profound impact of losing a platonic partner and the struggle to have that loss recognized and validated by others.

9. Legal and social recognition of non-romantic relationships is limited

"Marriage" is the name that society gives to the relationship that matters most between two adults.

Legal barriers. The book explores how current laws and social norms often fail to recognize the importance of non-romantic relationships, creating challenges for platonic partners.

Issues faced by platonic partners:

• Limited legal rights (e.g., hospital visitation, inheritance)
• Lack of relationship recognition in workplace policies
• Difficulty explaining their relationship to others

The story of Amelie and Joan, who created legal documents to protect their platonic partnership, illustrates the lengths some friends go to secure rights typically reserved for married couples.

10. Embracing diverse relationship models can lead to more fulfilling lives

We can create the conditions for intimacy by allowing friendships to take up more room in our lives. Platonic partnerships show that there's little a friend cannot do.

Expanding relationship possibilities. The book argues for recognizing and celebrating a wider range of meaningful relationships beyond the romantic couple.

Benefits of diverse relationship models:

• Reduced pressure on romantic partners
• Greater flexibility in creating support networks
• More options for building families and sharing lives

By embracing the potential of platonic partnerships and other non-traditional relationships, individuals can create richer, more diverse networks of support and intimacy throughout their lives.

Last updated: January 24, 2025