The Power of Discord

1. Discord is Normal and Essential for Growth.

In typical healthy parent-infant pairs, on average 70 percent of the interactions were out of sync!

Embrace the mess. Contrary to popular belief, healthy relationships are not characterized by constant harmony but by frequent "mismatches" or discord. Research on parent-infant interactions revealed that a surprising 70% of the time, interactions are out of sync. This messiness is not a flaw but a fundamental aspect of human connection, providing the necessary energy for emotional growth.

Fuel for development. Just as errors in biological systems drive evolution, discord in relationships fuels personal and relational development. Without these inevitable bumps and miscommunications, relationships would stagnate, and individuals would fail to grow in complexity and coherence. The energy generated from navigating these "messes" is vital for both individual and relational well-being.

Beyond the ideal. The idealized image of perfect attunement, like a Madonna and Child gazing lovingly, is often misleading. Real relationships, from romantic partnerships to family dynamics, are more akin to a "dirty dance" with missteps and stumbles. Accepting this inherent imperfection is the first step toward fostering deeper, more authentic connections.

2. Repair is the Crux of Human Connection and Trust.

Repair leads to a feeling of pleasure, trust, and security, the implicit knowledge that I can overcome problems.

The power of repair. While mismatch is normal, it's the subsequent "repair" that truly matters. Repairing disconnections, whether small or large, creates feelings of pleasure, trust, and security. This process teaches us that negative emotional states are not permanent and can be transformed into positive ones, building a foundational belief in our ability to overcome challenges.

Critical life lesson. Through countless cycles of mismatch and repair, individuals learn a crucial life lesson: problems can be overcome. This implicit knowledge, developed from infancy, forms the basis of agency—the sense that one has control over their life and the power to act effectively. Without opportunities for repair, individuals may develop feelings of helplessness and ineffectiveness.

Microscopic moments. Most repairs are not grand gestures but "microscopic" adjustments in moment-to-moment interactions. A mother's soothing voice after a baby's cry, a partner's acknowledgment after a misunderstanding, or a colleague's clarification after a miscommunication—these small, frequent repairs build the "texture and fabric of experience," shaping character and fostering deep attachments.

3. "Good Enough" Trumps Perfectionism in Relationships.

Perfection belongs to machines, and the imperfections that are characteristic of human adaptation to need are an essential quality in the environment that facilitates.

Rejecting perfection. Modern culture often promotes an unrealistic expectation of perfection in ourselves and our relationships, leading to anxiety and disappointment. However, true growth and intimacy emerge from embracing imperfection. The "good-enough mother," a concept by D.W. Winnicott, highlights that a parent's inevitable failures, when managed appropriately, are essential for a child's healthy development.

Growth through failure. A mother's "failure" to meet every infant need, in proportion to the child's growing capacity, allows the child to adapt to life's frustrations and begin to differentiate self from others. This process is where self-regulation and a robust sense of "I am" develop. Conversely, a "too-good mother" who anxiously strives for perfection may stifle a child's emerging self and capacity to cope with disorder.

Beyond the ideal. The pursuit of perfect attunement can create a fragile sense of self, leaving individuals ill-equipped to handle the inevitable disruptions of life. Embracing the "messiness" of relationships, acknowledging that mistakes are not only unavoidable but necessary, fosters a deeper sense of agency and a more genuine, complex identity.

4. Safety to Make a Mess is Rooted in Our Biology and Relationships.

Your availability for social connection is signaled on your face and in your voice.

Neuroception of safety. Our bodies constantly assess the environment for safety, a process called "neuroception" by Stephen Porges. This happens unconsciously, through our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which influences our facial expressions, voice tone, and even our ability to hear certain sounds. When we feel safe, our "smart vagus" system allows for social engagement; when threatened, more primitive responses like fight, flight, or freeze take over.

The body remembers. Early experiences of threat or safety are deeply embedded in our bodies, influencing how we react to social interactions later in life. An infant's defensive ducking from a mother's angry grimace, even if fleeting, teaches the baby about danger. Similarly, a history of unrepaired mismatch can lead to a chronic sense of threat, making it difficult to connect even when consciously aware that a situation is safe.

Creating a holding environment. A "holding environment," a term by Winnicott, refers to safe, secure relationships where a full range of experiences are accepted and contained. This environment, whether from a calm parent, a supportive therapist, or a martial arts class, allows individuals to feel secure enough to engage in the "mess" of difficult emotions without fear of falling apart. This bodily sense of safety is crucial for opening the door to growth and healing.

5. Resilience is Built Through Everyday Mismatch and Repair.

Resilience is woven into the fabric of your being in hundreds of thousands of moments over time.

Quotidian resilience. Resilience is not an innate trait or a response to singular catastrophic events, but a developmental process built through countless "quotidian" or everyday mismatches and repairs. Each time we navigate a small social stress and find our way back to connection, we strengthen our "resilience muscle," developing a core sense of hope and capability.

Buffering stress. Relationships act as crucial buffers against stress. "Good stress" (everyday mismatch-repair) prepares us for "bad stress" (major disruptions). When caregivers provide "regulatory scaffolding" by quickly repairing mismatches, children learn to cope. Conversely, "ugly stress" (chronic unrepaired mismatch, like in adverse childhood experiences or ACEs) depletes resources and diminishes resilience, leading to helplessness.

Time and going on being. The speed of repair is critical. Prolonged periods of unrepaired mismatch, even micro-seconds, can elevate stress hormones and disrupt a child's sense of "going on being"—the coherent sense of self. This can lead to "unthinkable anxiety" where one feels their very existence is threatened. Resilience allows us to hold onto hope for a better future, even in the face of profound loss, knowing that difficult feelings are temporary.

6. Meaning-Making Shapes Our Identity and Worldview.

The information we gain about others and about ourselves through this messy interactive process provides the nutrients that allow our minds to grow.

Beyond words. Meaning-making is not solely a cognitive, language-based process; it occurs at multiple levels of psychological and biological experience, including sensory, motor, autonomic, and genetic systems. Infants make meaning of their world long before they have words, interpreting experiences as hopeful or threatening based on their interactions.

Relational origins of self. Our sense of self—who we are, where we fit in, what it all means—emerges and evolves through moment-to-moment interactions. These interactions, especially the process of misunderstanding and re-evaluating others' intentions, shape our core beliefs about ourselves and the world. A child who experiences consistent repair learns "I am safe and whole," while one with limited repair might conclude "I am helpless."

Genes and experience. The nature-nurture dichotomy collapses under the weight of epigenetics, which shows that life experiences influence gene expression. Genes are "turned on and off" in response to the environment, affecting brain structure and function. Thus, early relationships literally "build the brain," shaping our genetic potential and the meanings embedded in our biology.

7. Blame is Meaningless; Focus on Mutual Regulation.

When relationships become derailed, whether between a parent and a child, romantic partners, work colleagues, siblings, or friends, rather than assign blame, we need to recognize how each person in the pair has a role to play.

Intertwined dynamics. Problems in relationships are rarely one person's "fault." Instead, they arise from "mutual dysregulation," where each person's behavior and emotional state affect and change the other in an ongoing, often unconscious, cycle. For example, a stressed parent's emotional unavailability can exacerbate a child's dysregulation, and vice versa.

Co-creation of meaning. Self-regulation, the ability to manage one's own emotions and behavior, does not develop in isolation. It emerges through "co-regulation" with others. When a child struggles, it's not just about their individual "problem" but about the interactive patterns within their relationships. Blaming only perpetuates the cycle of disconnection and prevents genuine understanding.

Responsibility over fault. Shifting from "fault" to "responsibility" empowers individuals to act. Recognizing one's role in a derailed interaction, even if not the "cause," opens pathways for change. This might involve pausing, breathing, seeking external support, or simply asking, "Is there a way in which the other person is right?" to break rigid patterns and foster repair.

8. Technology Use Can Be a Symptom, Not the Cause, of Disconnection.

It is the pervasive relational stress, not the device per se, that is the primary problem.

Symptom, not cause. While excessive technology use is often blamed for social disconnection, it can frequently be a symptom of underlying relational stress or emotional difficulties. For example, overwhelmed parents might turn to phones for relief, inadvertently creating a "still-face" experience for their children. Similarly, individuals with social anxiety or low self-esteem might gravitate to screens for a "smoothed-out passive engagement" that demands less real-time interaction.

Vicious cycles. Relying on technology to cope with distress from relational disconnects can create a vicious cycle. The temporary escape offered by screens prevents engagement in the messy, three-dimensional interactions necessary for growth and repair. This further exacerbates feelings of anxiety and loneliness, driving individuals back to the perceived comfort of their devices.

Understanding the meaning. To address problematic technology use, we must understand the adaptive function it serves. For Billy, his screen obsession was a way to manage sensory overload and social awkwardness. For Jack, a "love doll" offered a fantasy of perfect compliance, avoiding the messiness of real intimacy. Only by uncovering these underlying meanings can individuals find healthier ways to cope and build genuine connections.

9. Healing Requires a Mosaic of New, Messy Relationships Over Time.

New ingredients in the form of new relationships allow for continued growth and creativity with complex elaboration of your sense of self.

Beyond quick fixes. Healing from emotional pain or troubled relational patterns is not a quick, linear process. It requires immersing oneself in a "mosaic of moments over time"—a new network of relationships and activities that provide countless opportunities for mismatch and repair. This messy, iterative process allows for the creation of new meanings that can transform old, distorted ones.

Body and mind. Since early meanings are embedded in the body (sensory, motor, autonomic systems), healing requires more than just words and conscious thought. Activities like fencing, martial arts, dance, or even creative arts (theater, painting) engage the body, helping to rewire the brain and create new, healthier patterns of being. These activities offer "organized, coherent nonviolent combat" with failure, building resilience.

Controlled disconnection. Psychotherapy, often described as "controlled disconnection," provides a safe space to process past relational patterns (transference) and experience new, reparative interactions with a therapist. This allows individuals to bring unconscious reactions into awareness, link them with words, and gradually build a more coherent sense of self, which then translates into healthier relationships outside of therapy.

10. Embracing Uncertainty Fosters Empathy and Hope.

When you acknowledge what you don’t know, plunging into and muddling through the limitless uncertainty, then you have the opportunity to discover creative solutions to complex problems.

The tyranny of certainty. Clinging to rigid certainty, whether in personal relationships or societal views, stifles growth, prevents empathy, and can lead to harmful outcomes. It shuts down the "gray area of negotiation and approximation" essential for listening and social interaction. This often stems from a fear of the disorganization that uncertainty brings.

Opening space. Embracing uncertainty, acknowledging "you know nothing," creates space for curiosity and empathy. It allows us to truly listen to others' perspectives, even when they differ from our own, and to recognize their underlying intentions and motivations. This "not-knowing" stance, exemplified by Dr. Brazelton's approach to newborns, is crucial for building genuine connection.

Hope through flexibility. Hope is a combination of confidence and desire—confidence that relationships will "hold" through discord, and desire for intimacy. This hope grows from repeatedly moving through mismatch to repair, which in turn fosters a willingness to let go of certainty and engage with others with curiosity. This flexibility is vital for navigating complex problems and building a healthier world.

11. Belonging is Learned Through Shared "Games" and Cultural Interactions.

It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.

Culture as a game. We learn to belong to our families, communities, and cultures through countless "games"—spontaneous, loosely organized behaviors with no specified objective. These games, from peekaboo to family rituals, are not just fun; they are powerful mechanisms for gathering and processing information that forms our social selves and teaches us culturally specific ways of being.

Implicit relational knowing. Much of what we learn about belonging is "implicit relational knowing"—patterns of interaction that become automatic and embedded in our bodies and brains, outside of conscious awareness. Like learning to play tennis, we don't think about every move; the rhythms and sequences become second nature, allowing us to anticipate others' intentions and coordinate our actions.

Bridging differences. When individuals from different cultural backgrounds or family cultures come together, they must navigate the "mess" of their differing "rules of the game." This process, often involving physical activities that calm the body and open space for listening, allows them to co-create new shared meanings and build a new family culture. This engagement, rather than avoidance, is key to fostering a sense of belonging and deeper connection.

Last updated: August 23, 2025