The Power of Self-Coaching

1. You can choose to change and create the life you want.

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

Your life is choice. The person you are today is the result of the choices you've made, even if unconsciously. Many people feel stuck or victimized by fate, believing they cannot change. This is a fundamental misunderstanding; change is not only possible, but it is also entirely within your power.

Self-Coaching empowers you. This method moves beyond traditional therapy's medical model, which can make you feel like a "patient" with an "illness" needing a "doctor." Instead, Self-Coaching asserts that the capacity for creating the life you want resides within you. A therapist can facilitate, but you are the ultimate agent of change.

Break learned habits. Unhappiness, frustration, and insecurity are not innate; they are learned patterns of perception and reaction. Just as habits are learned, they can be unlearned. Self-Coaching provides the tools and direction to break destructive habits and choose a life of happiness and success.

2. Insecurity is the single root problem behind unhappiness.

If you allow insecurity to echo through your life, don’t expect to have a life.

Insecurity is the root. All your frustrations, struggles, anxiety, depression, and ineffectiveness can be traced back to one core issue: insecurity. It's a feeling of vulnerability or helplessness, often stemming from childhood experiences, leading to the false belief that you cannot handle life.

Distortion of reality. Ongoing insecurity is based on distortions, not facts. It becomes a deeply ingrained habit of thinking and perceiving that minimizes accurate self-perception. Over time, this habit feels like a natural part of your personality, making it hard to challenge.

It dictates life quality. If insecurity is allowed to dominate your thinking, it will dictate the quality of your life, filling it with doubt, distrust, and powerlessness. Part of you wants happiness, but insecurity pulls you towards control and congestion, resulting in a split, frozen existence.

3. Misguided goals (money, power, status) are false paths to happiness.

A rich person isn’t the person who has the most, it’s the person who needs the least.

Chasing illusions. Many people are deceived by misguided goals like accumulating money, seeking power, or achieving status, believing these will bring security and happiness. These are often attempts to compensate for insecurity, driven by an "outside-in" desire to feel okay based on external validation.

Insecurity-driven pursuits. The quest for money is equated with buying security, power with invulnerability, and status with being loved and respected. These goals are not inherently bad, but when driven by insecurity, they become compulsive attempts to control how you feel by manipulating the external world.

Ultimately unsatisfying. A life driven by these external, insecurity-fueled goals is destined for frustration and emptiness. True, lasting happiness comes from "inside-out" awareness, based on self-trust and spontaneity, not from constantly needing more or needing to dominate others.

4. Trying to control life is the destructive strategy driven by insecurity.

Control is an attempt to manage and manipulate life because you’ve come to distrust your natural, spontaneous capacity to handle life.

The core problem. While circumstance-driven control (like watching your diet for health) is healthy and instinctual, insecurity-driven control is destructive. This type of control is dictated by internal fears and misperceptions, not objective reality.

An artificial security. Insecurity-driven control gives a temporary, artificial feeling of security, seducing you into believing your strategies will last. However, the more you try to control life out of insecurity, the more you feel the need for control, creating a vicious cycle.

Sacrificing instincts. This constant effort to control life goes against your natural, spontaneous capacity to handle challenges. It overloads you with demands like worrying, rumination, and perfectionism, leading to psychological friction and eventually wearing you down.

5. Reflexive Thinking is the automatic habit of insecurity and control.

When insecurity goes unchallenged, the slide toward Reflexive Thinking is inevitable.

Automatic negative thoughts. Reflexive Thinking describes older, primitive thinking habits that are insecurity-driven and destructive. Unlike helpful automatic thinking (like driving), Reflexive Thinking is a prepackaged, repetitive script of doubts, fears, and worries that operates automatically.

Catabolic energy. This type of thinking is catabolic; it depletes your psychological energy rather than restoring it. It manifests as compulsive habits, chronic worry, self-doubt, and pessimism, often feeling like a natural part of you because it's been ingrained since childhood.

Unchallenged and destructive. Reflexive Thinking goes unchallenged because it's automatic, seems necessary for protection, and you lack the self-trust to reject its fictions. It keeps you stuck in knee-jerk living, preventing you from responding to life with conscious, healthy thinking.

6. Worry, insulation, perfectionism, and deception are faces of control.

Worry, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

Control's many masks. Insecurity-driven control manifests in various destructive habits. Worry is the incessant anticipation of chaos, giving the illusion of preparation but actually diminishing effectiveness. Insulation and avoidance create a psychological shell to feel safe, leading to detachment and missed life experiences.

Demanding flawlessness. Perfectionism is the demanding pursuit of flawlessness, driven by the fear of criticism or not feeling good enough. It's an enslavement to control that leads to constant disappointment and the inability to appreciate life's natural imperfections.

Eroding self-worth. Deception, ranging from white lies to manipulation and scamming, is using untruths to control others and situations. This habit erodes your moral compass and self-worth, leaving you feeling like a fake or fraud, even if you get what you want externally.

7. Self-trust is the key to a natural, spontaneous life.

A successful life depends on a foundation of self-trust.

The true secret. The ultimate key to a successful and happy life is self-trust – a willingness to believe in yourself and your capacity to handle life. This is the opposite of insecurity and control, which are based on distrust.

Risking belief. Building self-trust requires risking believing in yourself, even when insecurity and Reflexive Thinking tell you it's dangerous to let go of control. This risk feels uncomfortable because you're stepping outside your familiar control comfort zone.

Unleashing potential. With adequate self-trust, you can abandon the narrow focus of control and tap into your natural, spontaneous instincts and intuitions. This allows you to experience life with energy, passion, and interest, transposing perceived limitations into opportunities for growth.

8. Self-Talk Step 1: Chart your control habits.

Being able to anticipate these habits is the first step toward breaking the grip of Reflexive Thinking and recognizing that you have a choice to create whatever life you want.

Identify your patterns. The first step in Self-Coaching is to become aware of your specific control tendencies. These are the habits you use to feel safe or in control when insecurity is triggered. They can range from subtle (like "yes, buts" or mild worry) to severe (like chronic avoidance or manipulation).

Visualize your juggle. Think of these tendencies as balls you juggle to manage life. Charting them helps you see your unique pattern. Examples include:

• Worrying/What-iffing
• Can'ts/Giving up
• Perfectionism/Have-tos
• Insulation/Avoidance
• Deception/Lying

Understand the intensity. Assess the severity of your Reflexive Thinking associated with each habit. Visualizing these on a continuum helps you see where your thinking is healthy versus where it's contaminated by insecurity, providing a clear diagnosis of your struggle.

9. Self-Talk Step 2: Separate fact from fiction.

Feelings, prognostications, or attempts at mind reading are not facts.

Tame your monkeys. Your mind is filled with thoughts, some healthy and fact-based, others insecure and fiction-based (like chattering monkeys). To change, you must learn to distinguish between these two types of thinking.

Fact vs. Fiction. Facts are verifiable, objective realities (e.g., "I am 54 years old"). Fictions are interpretations, judgments, or predictions driven by insecurity (e.g., "I'll never find a boyfriend" or "She doesn't like me"). Confusing the two is the domain of insecurity.

Recognize the voice. Insecurity often speaks with a primitive, childlike quality (whining, sulking, dreading). Learning to identify this "child voice" helps you see that your struggle isn't just about the present situation, but about reacting from old, ingrained habits. Recognizing this distinction reveals you have a choice.

10. Self-Talk Step 3: Stop listening to the noise.

You can’t stop a bird from flying into your hair, but you don’t have to help him build a nest!

Refuse to indulge. Once you identify Reflexive Thinking (the "noise"), the next crucial step is to stop listening to it. You cannot prevent insecure thoughts from popping up, but you absolutely can refuse to feed them with further attention or reaction.

Say "No" and mean it. Just like you can choose to ignore an alarm clock or refuse to rob a bank, you have the power to say "no" to Reflexive Thinking. This requires discipline and practice, especially if you've habitually indulged these thoughts for years.

Use mental imagery. Employing powerful mental images can help you disengage from the noise. Visualize shutting watertight doors on intrusive thoughts, kicking them out like soccer balls, or letting them float away like balloons. This active refusal weakens the habit's grip.

11. Self-Talk Step 4: Learn to let go of control.

When you fully embrace the notion that thoughts, especially Reflexive Thinking, can simply be let go, you’ll be well on your way toward personal liberation.

Beyond thinking. Having identified and stopped listening to Reflexive Thinking, the next step is to actively let go of the need to control life through thought. This feels counterintuitive to overthinkers, but it's essential for breaking free from the stream of insecurity.

Methods for letting go:

• Changing the Channel: Consciously shift your focus from negative, insecure thoughts to positive, factual ones, like changing a radio station.
• Therapeutic Recklessness: Adopt a "the heck with it" attitude towards insecurity-driven fears and doubts, risking letting go of control to act spontaneously.
• Meditation: Practice focusing on your breath and gently releasing distracting thoughts, learning firsthand that you can exist without being defined by your thoughts.

Trust the process. Letting go allows you to step out of the turbulent stream of insecurity consciousness. It may feel reckless initially, but it's the path to accessing your natural instincts and allowing life to unfold without constant, draining control.

12. Self-Talk Step 5: Motivate yourself with belief and momentum.

50% positive thinking + 50% positively believing = success

Sustain your efforts. Breaking long-standing habits requires sustained effort over time. Motivation and momentum are the follow-through needed after disengaging from insecurity. Motivation is the right attitude (willingness to believe), and momentum is the energy gained from success.

Build momentum with small wins. Start with small, less risky challenges to achieve early victories. Each success, no matter how minor, builds confidence and generates momentum, making it easier to tackle bigger challenges.

Believe in your power. True motivation comes from combining positive thinking with genuine belief. It's not enough to just say positive things; you must risk believing them. This conviction is fueled by:

• The pain of your current struggle.
• Awareness of how control and insecurity operate.
• The confidence gained from accumulating small successes.
• The experience of genuine happiness as you let go of control.

Last updated: May 19, 2025