The Seven Levels of Intimacy

1. Intimacy is a legitimate need, not just a want

Intimacy is one of our legitimate needs and a prerequisite for happiness.

Intimacy is essential. While we can survive without it, we cannot thrive or become the best version of ourselves without intimacy. It's not just a luxury or a want, but a fundamental human need, comparable to our need for food, water, and air.

Lack of intimacy has consequences. Without intimacy, we may experience:

• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Discontent
• A sense of unfulfillment

Many people mistakenly chase pleasure, possessions, or achievements to fill this void, but these temporary satisfactions can never truly replace the deep connection that intimacy provides.

2. The seven levels of intimacy: from clichés to legitimate needs

Intimacy is the process of mutual self-revelation that inspires us to give ourselves completely to another person in the mystery we call love.

The seven levels of intimacy represent a journey from superficial to deep connection:

1. Clichés
2. Facts
3. Opinions
4. Hopes and dreams
5. Feelings
6. Faults, fears, and failures
7. Legitimate needs

Each level requires more vulnerability and trust than the previous one. As we progress through these levels, we reveal more of our true selves and create stronger bonds with others. The ultimate goal is to reach a level of mutual understanding and support for each other's legitimate needs.

Navigating the levels requires patience and practice. It's not a linear process, and relationships may move back and forth between levels. The key is to continually strive for deeper connection and understanding.

3. Common interests are not enough for a lasting relationship

Common interests are not enough to build a dynamic relationship on. You need a common purpose.

Shared activities aren't sufficient. While common interests can bring people together initially, they don't provide a strong enough foundation for a lasting relationship. Interests can change over time, and if they're the primary connection, the relationship may falter.

A common purpose is crucial. A relationship needs a shared goal or vision to thrive. This purpose gives direction and meaning to the relationship, helping partners navigate challenges and make decisions together. The most powerful common purpose is to help each other become the best version of themselves.

Key elements of a common purpose:

• Aligns with both partners' values and aspirations
• Provides motivation during difficult times
• Evolves as the relationship grows
• Focuses on mutual growth and support

4. Relationships require a shared purpose and acceptance

If we are to really delve into the beauty and mystery of the way people think, we must condition ourselves to look beyond the ideas themselves.

Shared purpose creates unity. When partners align their goals and values, they create a strong foundation for their relationship. This shared vision helps them navigate challenges and make decisions together, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support.

Acceptance is key to intimacy. True intimacy requires accepting your partner for who they are, including their flaws and differences. This doesn't mean agreeing with everything, but rather:

• Respecting different opinions and perspectives
• Embracing each other's uniqueness
• Supporting growth without trying to change the core person

Understanding vs. acceptance. Many people believe that understanding must precede acceptance, but the opposite is often true. By accepting someone first, we create a safe space for them to reveal themselves, leading to deeper understanding over time.

5. Love is a choice, not just a feeling

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, and if we choose to base our most important relationships on how we feel at any particular moment, we are in for a rough and rocky journey.

Love requires commitment. While feelings of love can be intense and wonderful, they are not constant. True love involves choosing to act lovingly even when feelings fluctuate. This choice manifests in:

• Prioritizing your partner's needs
• Staying committed during difficult times
• Continuously working on the relationship

Actions speak louder than words. Love is demonstrated through consistent behaviors and choices, not just declarations of feeling. Some ways to show love through action:

• Active listening and support
• Sacrificing personal desires for the good of the relationship
• Showing appreciation and affection regularly

Growth through choice. By choosing love, even when it's difficult, partners grow individually and as a couple. This conscious commitment helps build resilience and deepens the bond between partners.

6. Effective communication and vulnerability are crucial

Intimacy requires that we allow another person to discover what moves us, what inspires us, what drives us, what eats at us, what we are running toward, what we are running from, what silent self-destructive enemies lie within us, and what wild and wonderful dreams we hold in our hearts.

Open communication is essential. Effective communication involves:

• Active listening without judgment
• Expressing thoughts and feelings clearly
• Being willing to have difficult conversations

Vulnerability builds trust. Sharing our true selves, including our fears, dreams, and insecurities, creates deeper connections. It requires courage but leads to greater intimacy and understanding.

Overcoming communication barriers:

• Practice empathy and patience
• Create a safe space for honest dialogue
• Be willing to admit mistakes and apologize
• Use "I" statements to express feelings without blame
• Avoid criticism and focus on constructive feedback

By improving communication and embracing vulnerability, couples can navigate challenges more effectively and build stronger, more intimate relationships.

7. Forgiveness and humor play vital roles in relationships

Forgiveness is a key component of any relationship. As we become more and more aware of our own limitations, we tend to become more and more tolerant of the limitations of other people.

Forgiveness is essential. In any relationship, mistakes and hurts are inevitable. Forgiveness allows couples to:

• Move past conflicts
• Rebuild trust
• Strengthen their bond

The power of humor. Laughter and shared joy can:

• Relieve tension
• Create positive memories
• Help navigate difficult situations

Balancing seriousness and lightness. While addressing important issues is crucial, maintaining a sense of humor and playfulness keeps the relationship vibrant and enjoyable.

Key aspects of forgiveness and humor in relationships:

• Practice empathy and understanding
• Use humor to diffuse tension, not avoid issues
• Learn to laugh at yourself and with your partner
• Make forgiveness a regular practice, not a one-time event

8. Legitimate needs trump illegitimate wants

The seventh level of intimacy is where our quest to know and be known by each other turns into a truly dynamic collaboration.

Distinguish needs from wants. Legitimate needs are essential for personal growth and relationship health, while illegitimate wants are often fleeting desires that may not contribute to long-term happiness.

Focus on fulfilling needs. Partners should prioritize meeting each other's legitimate needs, which may include:

• Emotional support and understanding
• Physical affection and intimacy
• Intellectual stimulation and growth
• Spiritual connection and shared values

Overcoming selfishness. By shifting focus from personal wants to mutual needs, couples create a more balanced and fulfilling relationship. This requires:

• Self-awareness to identify true needs
• Open communication about needs and expectations
• Willingness to compromise and prioritize the relationship

When both partners commit to meeting each other's legitimate needs, they create a strong foundation for lasting love and intimacy.

9. Great relationships require effort and accountability

Great relationships are as difficult to achieve as they are rare to find. They are not achieved by luck or chance.

Continuous effort is necessary. Building and maintaining a great relationship requires:

• Regular communication and check-ins
• Willingness to work through challenges
• Commitment to personal and relational growth

Accountability promotes growth. Partners should hold each other accountable for:

• Following through on commitments
• Striving to be their best selves
• Contributing to the relationship's health

Setting goals and measuring progress. Couples can:

• Establish shared relationship goals
• Regularly assess their progress
• Celebrate achievements and address setbacks together

By treating their relationship as a priority and holding themselves accountable, couples can create and maintain a strong, lasting bond.

10. Overcoming challenges strengthens relationships

Times of great triumph and celebration rarely improve the character of a person. Good character is usually formed in the furnace of life's great struggles and challenges.

Challenges as opportunities. Difficulties in relationships can:

• Reveal areas for growth and improvement
• Strengthen the bond between partners
• Develop resilience and problem-solving skills

Facing obstacles together. When couples approach challenges as a team, they:

• Build trust and mutual support
• Learn to communicate more effectively
• Develop a deeper understanding of each other

Growth through adversity. Key strategies for overcoming challenges:

• Maintain a positive attitude and perspective
• Focus on solutions rather than blame
• Seek professional help when needed
• Use difficulties as opportunities to practice forgiveness and understanding

By viewing challenges as opportunities for growth and working together to overcome them, couples can emerge stronger and more united in their relationship.

Last updated: April 23, 2025