The Social Sex

1. Female friendship evolved from invisibility to prominence over centuries

For more than two millennia, from circa 600 BCE to circa 1600 CE, women's friendships were ignored, belittled, or openly denigrated by male creators of the written record.

Historical invisibility: For most of recorded history, women's friendships were largely overlooked or dismissed. Ancient Greek and Roman philosophers like Aristotle and Cicero extolled the virtues of male friendships while disregarding or belittling female bonds. This perspective persisted through medieval times and into the early modern period.

Gradual emergence: As women gained access to education and literacy, their friendships began to emerge in the written record. The 17th century marked a turning point, with women like Katherine Philips and Madeleine de Scudéry writing openly about female friendships. This trend continued through the Enlightenment and into the modern era.

Modern prominence: Today, female friendship is celebrated in popular culture, literature, and academic study. The evolution from invisibility to iconic status reflects broader societal changes in women's rights, education, and social standing. This shift has led to a reevaluation of the historical importance of women's relationships and their impact on society.

2. Emotional intimacy and self-disclosure define women's friendships

A woman's friend is someone she can talk to openly, without fear of reprisal and with the expectation of sympathy and support.

Emotional core: Women's friendships are characterized by a deep emotional connection. This affection ranges from empathy and goodwill to passion and love. The emotional intimacy allows for vulnerability and creates a safe space for sharing personal experiences and feelings.

Open communication: Self-disclosure is a hallmark of female friendships. Women tend to share more personal information with their friends, discussing topics they might not broach with family members or romantic partners. This openness fosters trust and strengthens the bond between friends.

Mutual support: The combination of emotional intimacy and self-disclosure creates a powerful support system. Women friends often provide each other with emotional comfort, practical advice, and assistance during difficult times. This mutual support contributes to the enduring nature of many female friendships.

3. Religious institutions played a crucial role in fostering female bonds

Nuns, like their male counterparts, withdrew from society and dedicated themselves to chastity, poverty, and obedience.

Convent communities: Monasteries and convents provided unique environments for women to form close relationships outside of family structures. These all-female spaces allowed for the development of deep friendships and intellectual partnerships.

Notable examples: Historical figures like Hildegard of Bingen and Teresa of Ávila formed significant friendships within religious settings. Their relationships often combined spiritual devotion with personal affection and intellectual collaboration.

• Hildegard's friendship with Richardis von Stade
• Teresa of Ávila's bond with Ana de San Bartolomé

Legacy: The traditions of female friendship fostered in religious institutions influenced broader societal views on women's relationships. These historical examples provided models for intense, non-familial bonds between women that would later be echoed in secular contexts.

4. Romantic friendships flourished in the 18th and 19th centuries

Girls and women began to write letters to one another in a language of love not so different from the language of heterosexual longing.

Passionate expression: The 18th and 19th centuries saw a rise in intense, emotionally charged friendships between women. These relationships were often described using romantic language, with friends exchanging passionate letters and declarations of love.

Social acceptance: Unlike today, these romantic friendships were generally accepted by society. They were seen as a natural part of women's emotional lives and were not necessarily associated with sexual relationships. Examples include:

• The Ladies of Llangollen (Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby)
• The friendship between Emily Dickinson and Susan Gilbert

Cultural impact: Romantic friendships influenced literature, art, and social norms of the time. They provided women with emotional fulfillment and support in an era when their roles were often restricted. The legacy of these relationships continues to shape our understanding of the complexities of female friendship.

5. Women's clubs and reform movements strengthened female alliances

Sisterhood became the catchword for female friendship, implying that all girls and women, even those unrelated by blood or marriage, should treat one another with the affection and loyalty expected of siblings.

Organized activism: The 19th and early 20th centuries saw the rise of women's clubs and reform movements. These organizations provided platforms for women to come together, share ideas, and work towards common goals. Examples include:

• The General Federation of Women's Clubs
• The National Woman Suffrage Association

Sisterhood ideology: The concept of "sisterhood" emerged as a powerful unifying force. It emphasized the shared experiences and struggles of women, encouraging solidarity across class and racial lines.

Lasting impact: These movements not only advanced women's rights but also created enduring networks of female friendship and support. The bonds formed through activism often lasted lifetimes, shaping both personal relationships and broader social change.

6. Cross-gender friendships challenge traditional relationship norms

Going online to get offline.

Breaking barriers: As gender roles have evolved, friendships between men and women have become more common and accepted. These relationships challenge traditional notions that men and women can only interact as potential romantic partners.

Workplace dynamics: The increased presence of women in professional settings has led to more opportunities for cross-gender friendships. However, these relationships can still face scrutiny and misunderstanding in the workplace.

Cultural shift: The acceptance of cross-gender friendships reflects broader changes in society's understanding of gender roles and relationships. It represents a move towards more fluid and diverse forms of social connection.

• Challenges: Navigating potential romantic tension, societal misperceptions
• Benefits: Broader perspectives, breaking down gender stereotypes

7. Modern technology reshapes the landscape of women's friendships

The ways in which we sculpt our privacy online—what we choose to reveal and what we keep hidden—as well as the ways we manipulate our personae clearly affect the quality of our Internet friendships.

Digital connections: Social media and communication technologies have transformed how women form and maintain friendships. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp allow for constant connection and sharing of experiences.

New opportunities: Online communities and forums have created spaces for women to connect based on shared interests, experiences, or identities. This has expanded the potential pool of friends beyond geographical limitations.

Challenges: While technology offers new ways to connect, it also presents challenges:

• Maintaining authenticity in online personas
• Balancing digital and in-person interactions
• Navigating privacy concerns and online boundaries

The digital age has both expanded and complicated the landscape of female friendship, offering new tools for connection while also requiring new skills in relationship management and communication.

Last updated: November 23, 2024