The Sorrows of Love

1. Love inevitably brings sorrows, but understanding them is crucial

Understanding does not magically remove problems, but it sets them in context, reduces our sense of isolation and persecution, and helps us to accept that certain griefs are highly normal.

Romantic Realism is an emotional skill that acknowledges the inevitable challenges in love. This perspective helps us develop a more realistic expectation of relationships, reducing feelings of personal failure or uniqueness when difficulties arise. By understanding that certain sorrows are normal in love, we can approach them with greater patience and resilience.

Common relationship sorrows include:

• Feeling disappointed when a partner doesn't meet our idealized expectations
• Struggling with the mundane aspects of shared living
• Experiencing periods of emotional distance or misunderstanding
• Dealing with conflicts over differing needs or desires

By recognizing these challenges as inherent to love rather than signs of a failed relationship, we can work through them more constructively and maintain a healthier, more sustainable partnership.

2. We often become 'monsters' in relationships due to high stakes

Asking someone to marry us turns out to be an impossibly demanding and therefore pretty mean thing to suggest to anyone we really want the best for.

High expectations in relationships often lead to intense reactions. When we commit to someone, we're essentially asking them to fulfill multiple roles: lover, best friend, confidant, co-parent, financial partner, and more. This enormous set of expectations can create immense pressure and lead to disappointment and conflict.

Factors contributing to 'monstrous' behavior:

• The fear that our life's happiness depends on this one person
• The inability to easily escape when issues arise
• The safety to show our worst sides due to the commitment

Understanding that these reactions stem from the high stakes of love, rather than personal failings, can help us approach conflicts with more empathy and patience. It's crucial to recognize that both partners are likely struggling with these pressures and to work together to manage expectations and support each other through difficulties.

3. Early impressions in love are misleading; imperfections are universal

Choosing who to marry or commit ourselves to is therefore merely a case of identifying a kind of misery we can bear rather than an occasion miraculously to escape from grief altogether.

The illusion of perfection often clouds our judgment in the early stages of a relationship. We tend to idealize our partners based on limited information, creating an unrealistic expectation of who they are. This idealization sets us up for disappointment as we inevitably discover their flaws and imperfections over time.

Realities of human nature:

• Everyone has substantial flaws and quirks
• Past experiences shape our behaviors and reactions
• Perfection in a partner is an impossible standard

Accepting that all individuals come with their own set of challenges allows us to approach relationships more realistically. Instead of seeking a flawless partner, we can focus on finding someone whose imperfections we can understand, accept, and work with. This shift in perspective can lead to more sustainable and satisfying relationships built on mutual understanding and growth.

4. Our choice of partner is often constrained by circumstances and psychology

We make mistakes because we don't associate being loved with feeling satisfied.

Limited choices often influence our partner selection more than we realize. Societal pressures, fear of loneliness, and our own psychological makeup can lead us to choose partners who may not be ideal for us in the long term.

Factors affecting partner choice:

• Urgency to avoid loneliness
• Psychological attraction to familiar patterns, even if unhealthy
• Limited pool of available partners due to social circumstances
• Subconscious recreation of childhood dynamics

Understanding these constraints can help us be more forgiving of ourselves and our partners for perceived "mistakes" in choice. It also emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and personal growth in improving our ability to form healthy relationships. Recognizing that our choices are influenced by factors beyond our immediate control can lead to more compassionate and realistic expectations in love.

5. Nostalgia for single life is often based on selective memory

We know just enough about how to romanticise our single days in order to poison our conjugal ones.

Selective memory can distort our perception of past singlehood. When facing challenges in a relationship, it's common to idealize the freedom and simplicity of single life, forgetting its own unique set of struggles and loneliness.

Realities of single life often overlooked:

• Loneliness during holidays and weekends
• Lack of consistent emotional support
• Challenges in practical matters like household maintenance
• Pressure to find a partner

Recognizing the bias in our memories can help us appreciate the benefits of our current relationships more fully. It's important to remember that both single life and committed relationships come with their own sets of challenges and rewards. By maintaining a balanced perspective, we can avoid the grass-is-greener mentality that can undermine our current relationships and instead focus on nurturing and appreciating what we have.

6. Domestic issues are crucial to relationships, despite cultural neglect

We don't acknowledge how much it may end up mattering whether we can maturely resolve issues around how to clean the kitchen floor or the conundrum of whether it is stylish, or a touch pretentious, to give a cocktail party.

The significance of everyday life in relationships is often underestimated. While cultural narratives focus on grand gestures and dramatic moments, the reality of love is deeply intertwined with mundane, domestic issues.

Key domestic challenges:

• Division of household chores
• Financial management and budgeting
• Differing standards of cleanliness or organization
• Conflicting social preferences or lifestyle choices

Recognizing the importance of these seemingly trivial matters can significantly improve relationship satisfaction. By treating domestic issues with the same respect and attention we give to more "prestigious" problems, we can prevent small irritations from escalating into major conflicts. Developing skills in communication, compromise, and mutual respect around these everyday matters is crucial for long-term relationship success.

7. Adult love differs fundamentally from childhood experiences of being loved

The love we received from a parent can never be a workable model for our later, adult, experience of love.

Unrealistic expectations often stem from comparing adult relationships to childhood experiences of love. As children, we received unconditional love and care without the expectation of reciprocity, creating an idealized model of love that's impossible to replicate in adult relationships.

Key differences between parental and adult love:

• Reciprocity: Adult relationships require mutual care and effort
• Complexity: Adult needs are more nuanced and challenging to meet
• Imperfection: Parents often shielded us from their struggles, creating an illusion of effortless care

Understanding these differences can help us adjust our expectations in adult relationships. Recognizing that adult love requires effort, compromise, and mutual understanding can lead to more realistic and satisfying partnerships. It's crucial to let go of the expectation that a partner can fulfill all our needs effortlessly and instead focus on building a relationship based on mutual growth and support.

8. Loneliness in relationships is normal and often unavoidable

There are areas of what might be (grandly but accurately) called metaphysical loneliness that no other person, however well intentioned, can assuage.

Inherent solitude is a fundamental aspect of the human experience, even within loving relationships. The expectation that a partner should completely eradicate our feelings of loneliness is unrealistic and can lead to disappointment and frustration.

Sources of loneliness in relationships:

• Differences in personal experiences and perspectives
• Varying emotional states and needs at different times
• The impossibility of complete mutual understanding
• Individual struggles that can't be fully shared or resolved by another

Accepting that some degree of loneliness is normal can actually strengthen relationships. It relieves partners of the impossible burden of being everything to each other and allows for a more realistic and sustainable connection. Embracing this reality can lead to a deeper appreciation for the moments of true connection and understanding when they do occur, making them all the more precious.

9. Balancing great sex, long-term commitment, and love is inherently challenging

There is only one answer of sorts, and it can be called the Melancholy Position, because it confronts the tear-stained truth that, in certain key areas of human existence, there are simply no good solutions.

The Sexual-Romantic Paradox highlights the inherent tension between maintaining passionate sexual desire and fostering long-term emotional intimacy. Our culture often presents the idea that we can have great sex, deep love, and long-term commitment simultaneously, but this ideal is rarely achievable in practice.

Challenges in balancing sex and love:

• Familiarity can dampen sexual excitement
• Emotional intimacy can conflict with sexual desire
• Parental roles can interfere with seeing a partner as a sexual being
• Long-term commitment can lead to taking each other for granted

Accepting the "Melancholy Position" means acknowledging that there's no perfect solution to this dilemma. Instead, couples must find their own balance, potentially through open communication, intentional efforts to maintain romance, or accepting periods of less intense sexual connection. Understanding that these challenges are normal can reduce guilt and frustration, allowing couples to focus on nurturing their overall relationship rather than striving for an impossible ideal.

10. Love is a skill to be learned, not just a feeling to be experienced

We will be ready for relationships when we accept that our chances of contentment depend on our willingness to go back to a school we were never, sadly, taught that we needed.

Relationship education is crucial for success in love. Contrary to popular belief, the ability to maintain a healthy, loving relationship is not innate or solely based on emotion. It requires a set of skills that can be learned and developed over time.

Key relationship skills to develop:

• Effective communication
• Emotional intelligence and empathy
• Conflict resolution
• Self-awareness and personal growth
• Forgiveness and acceptance

By approaching love as a skill to be mastered rather than a feeling to be passively experienced, we can take a more proactive role in improving our relationships. This perspective encourages continuous learning and growth, both individually and as a couple. It also helps us to be more patient with ourselves and our partners as we navigate the inevitable challenges of love, recognizing that we're all on a journey of learning and improvement.

Last updated: November 18, 2024