Key Takeaways
1. Believe in Your Spouse's Good Intentions
"Even in the middle of a painful argument, I know that my spouse is fully 'for me' and deeply cares about me."
Assume the best. Happy couples consistently choose to believe their spouse has good intentions, even when hurt or upset. This mindset shift dramatically impacts how they interpret and respond to their partner's actions. Instead of assuming malice or indifference, they look for alternative explanations that align with their belief in their spouse's love and care.
Create a positive cycle. By assuming positive intent, couples create a self-fulfilling prophecy. They respond more positively to their spouse, which in turn encourages more positive behavior. This approach helps build trust, fosters open communication, and reduces unnecessary conflicts based on misunderstandings.
Practice emotional generosity. When faced with potentially hurtful situations, highly happy couples make a conscious effort to give their spouse the benefit of the doubt. They recognize that everyone makes mistakes and has bad days, choosing to focus on the overall pattern of their relationship rather than isolated incidents.
2. Choose to Focus on the Positive
"Highly happy couples quickly stop a negative train of thought or action, replacing unhappy or angry thoughts or actions with positive ones, in order to change their feelings."
Redirect negative thoughts. Happy couples actively choose to redirect their thoughts when they find themselves dwelling on negative aspects of their relationship. They recognize that focusing on problems or shortcomings only breeds more discontent and instead consciously shift their attention to positive qualities and experiences.
Take control of emotions. Rather than allowing their feelings to dictate their thoughts and actions, these couples understand that they can influence their emotions by changing their focus. They practice:
- Gratitude exercises
- Recalling positive memories
- Acknowledging their partner's efforts and good qualities
- Reframing challenges as opportunities for growth
Cultivate optimism. By consistently choosing to focus on the positive, happy couples create a more optimistic outlook on their relationship. This optimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to increased satisfaction and resilience in the face of challenges.
3. Embrace Healthy Conflict Resolution
"Highly happy couples find that when they can't resolve conflict and anger before bedtime, they choose to sleep on it. If anger remains in the morning, they don't let it go unresolved; they deal with it."
Prioritize emotional readiness. Contrary to popular advice, happy couples recognize that sometimes it's better to postpone conflict resolution until both partners are emotionally prepared. They understand that trying to force a resolution when tired or overwhelmed can often exacerbate the issue.
Commit to addressing issues. While they may choose to sleep on a problem, happy couples don't let conflicts fester indefinitely. They make a conscious commitment to revisit and resolve the issue when they're both in a better emotional state. This approach allows for:
- Clearer thinking
- More productive conversations
- Reduced likelihood of saying things they'll regret
Develop a reconnection ritual. Many happy couples establish a unique way to signal that they're ready to reconnect after a conflict, even if the issue isn't fully resolved. This might be a specific phrase, gesture, or action that helps them bridge the emotional gap and reaffirm their commitment to each other.
4. Practice Mutual Generosity
"Happy spouses keep track of what their mate is giving and what they need as a result, and deliberately try to give back."
Cultivate awareness. Highly happy couples pay close attention to their partner's efforts and contributions to the relationship. They make a conscious effort to notice and appreciate the big and small ways their spouse shows love and support.
Reciprocate thoughtfully. Instead of keeping score of what they're owed, these couples focus on how they can give back to their partner. They:
- Anticipate their spouse's needs
- Look for opportunities to lighten their partner's load
- Offer support and encouragement without being asked
Foster a cycle of generosity. By consistently practicing mutual generosity, happy couples create a positive feedback loop in their relationship. Each act of kindness and support inspires reciprocation, leading to increased feelings of love, appreciation, and connection.
5. Cultivate Realistic Expectations
"Highly happy spouses do not long for something that is difficult or impossible for their partner to deliver; instead they expect and are grateful for the ways their partner can meet their needs."
Embrace reality. Happy couples understand that their spouse is human, with both strengths and limitations. They avoid comparing their relationship to idealized portrayals in media or unrealistic expectations based on fantasy.
Appreciate individual differences. These couples recognize and celebrate the unique ways their partner expresses love and meets their needs, rather than wishing for behaviors that don't come naturally to their spouse. They focus on:
- Understanding their partner's love language
- Communicating their own needs clearly
- Finding compromises that work for both partners
Practice gratitude. By maintaining realistic expectations, happy couples are better able to appreciate the efforts and qualities of their spouse. They regularly express gratitude for the ways their partner contributes to the relationship, fostering a positive and appreciative atmosphere.
6. Prioritize Quality Time Together
"Highly happy couples aren't just spending time together because they are happy; a big part of the reason they're so happy is that they are spending time together!"
Invest in the relationship. Happy couples recognize that maintaining a strong connection requires intentional effort. They prioritize spending quality time together, even amidst busy schedules and competing responsibilities.
Engage in shared activities. These couples find ways to connect through:
- Regular date nights
- Shared hobbies or interests
- Daily rituals like morning coffee or evening walks
- Supporting each other's individual pursuits
Maintain friendship. By consistently spending time together, happy couples nurture their friendship as well as their romantic relationship. They prioritize having fun together, sharing experiences, and continuing to learn about each other throughout their marriage.
7. Commit Fully to Your Marriage
"When highly happy couples inevitably experience hurt feelings and conflict, they will at some point mutually reconnect by sharing a private signal that says 'We're okay.'"
Eliminate escape routes. Happy couples make a conscious decision to be "all in" on their marriage. They avoid keeping emotional or financial reserves as a backup plan, recognizing that such hedging can undermine trust and commitment.
Develop reconnection rituals. These couples create unique ways to signal their ongoing commitment and desire to reconnect after conflicts or disagreements. This might involve:
- A special phrase or inside joke
- A specific physical gesture
- A shared activity that helps them reset
Choose commitment daily. Highly happy couples understand that commitment is not a one-time decision but a daily choice. They consistently reaffirm their dedication to the relationship through their words, actions, and attitudes.
8. Express Gratitude and Appreciation
"Highly happy spouses give their mate most of the credit for their relationship success—and they live in regular, conscious gratitude as a result."
Cultivate a mindset of appreciation. Happy couples make a habit of noticing and acknowledging the positive qualities and actions of their spouse. They focus on what they love and admire about their partner, rather than dwelling on shortcomings or annoyances.
Verbalize gratitude regularly. These couples don't just feel grateful; they express it often. They:
- Offer specific compliments
- Thank their spouse for everyday kindnesses
- Acknowledge their partner's efforts and sacrifices
Share credit for success. Highly happy spouses tend to attribute the success and happiness of their relationship primarily to their partner's efforts and qualities. This attitude fosters mutual appreciation and reinforces positive behavior.
9. Treat Your Spouse with Kindness
"Highly happy couples treat one another with intentional kindness; they joke and they challenge, but they try to never do it in ways their mate would perceive as disrespectful or hurtful."
Prioritize considerate communication. Happy couples make a conscious effort to speak to their spouse with the same level of kindness and respect they would show to a close friend or esteemed colleague. They avoid harsh criticism, sarcasm, or contemptuous language.
Practice empathy. These couples strive to understand their partner's perspective and feelings, even in moments of disagreement. They:
- Listen actively without interrupting
- Validate their spouse's emotions
- Seek to understand before being understood
Choose kindness in difficult moments. Even during conflicts or when addressing serious issues, happy couples maintain a foundation of kindness and respect. They focus on the issue at hand rather than attacking their partner's character or intentions.
10. Put God at the Center of Your Marriage
"Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness."
Shared spiritual foundation. For many happy couples, a shared faith provides a strong foundation for their relationship. They align their values, goals, and decision-making processes with their spiritual beliefs.
Seek higher purpose. These couples view their marriage as part of a larger spiritual journey. They:
- Pray together regularly
- Attend religious services as a couple
- Participate in faith-based community activities
- Support each other's spiritual growth
Release unrealistic expectations. By focusing on their faith, these couples avoid placing unrealistic expectations on their spouse or marriage to fulfill all their emotional and spiritual needs. They find a sense of purpose and fulfillment that extends beyond their relationship, which paradoxically strengthens their bond.
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FAQ
1. What’s The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn about?
- Research-Based Marriage Insights: The book explores what makes some marriages exceptionally happy, based on extensive research, surveys, and interviews with over 2,000 couples.
- Focus on “Yes!” Couples: Feldhahn identifies and studies couples where both spouses independently report being highly happy in their marriage, uncovering their habits and mindsets.
- Small Actions, Big Impact: The core message is that small, often overlooked actions and attitudes have a disproportionately large effect on marital happiness.
- Practical, Replicable Habits: The book distills these findings into simple, actionable habits that any couple can adopt, regardless of their current relationship state.
2. Why should I read The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn?
- Evidence-Based Advice: The book is grounded in rigorous research, making its recommendations trustworthy and widely applicable.
- Focus on the Positive: Instead of analyzing what makes marriages fail, Feldhahn studies what makes them thrive, offering hope and practical solutions.
- Actionable and Accessible: The advice is broken down into small, manageable steps that are easy to implement in daily life.
- Encouragement for All Couples: Whether your marriage is struggling, average, or already good, the book offers insights to help you move toward greater happiness.
3. What are the key takeaways from The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages?
- Small Gestures Matter Most: Consistent, small actions—like saying thank you or holding hands—have a huge impact on marital satisfaction.
- Believe the Best: Highly happy couples choose to assume their spouse cares deeply, even during conflict or disappointment.
- Generosity and Scorekeeping: Happy couples keep track of what their spouse gives and look for ways to give back, rather than tallying grievances.
- Commitment and Perspective: The happiest marriages are marked by full emotional investment, realistic expectations, and often a shared faith or higher purpose.
4. How did Shaunti Feldhahn conduct her research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages?
- Large-Scale Surveys: Feldhahn and her team surveyed and interviewed over 2,000 married individuals from diverse backgrounds.
- Focus on “Yes!” Couples: She specifically targeted couples where both partners independently reported being highly happy in their marriage.
- Anonymous and Candid Responses: Surveys and interviews were conducted anonymously to ensure honest, unfiltered feedback.
- Collaboration with Experts: The research included input from statisticians, marriage experts, and incorporated findings from other leading marriage studies.
5. What are the “Fantastic Five” small actions that make a big difference in marriage, according to Feldhahn?
- For Husbands: Wives can boost their husband’s happiness by sincerely thanking him, praising his efforts, complimenting him in front of others, showing sexual desire, and making it clear he makes her happy.
- For Wives: Husbands can make their wives feel loved by taking her hand, sending loving messages, showing physical affection in public, telling her she’s beautiful, and pulling out of a bad mood.
- Universally Impactful: These actions are simple, gender-specific, and have a powerful effect regardless of love language.
- Consistency is Key: Regularly practicing these small gestures leads to a significant increase in marital happiness.
6. How do highly happy couples handle conflict differently, according to The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages?
- Sometimes Go to Bed Mad: Contrary to popular advice, happy couples often sleep on unresolved conflicts and address them when emotions have cooled.
- Prioritize Reconnection: They focus on not letting anger linger, seeking to reconnect emotionally even if the issue isn’t fully resolved.
- Use Private Signals: Many couples develop unique gestures or “sign language” to signal forgiveness and reconnection after disagreements.
- Avoid Negative Scorekeeping: They don’t keep a tally of wrongs but instead focus on restoring unity and moving forward.
7. What mindset shifts do highly happy couples make, based on Feldhahn’s findings?
- Assume Good Intentions: They choose to believe their spouse cares and did not intend to hurt them, even when upset.
- Adjust Unrealistic Expectations: Happy couples let go of fantasies about what their spouse “should” do and appreciate what their partner can realistically offer.
- Boss Their Feelings: They actively redirect negative thoughts and choose positive actions, knowing that feelings often follow behavior.
- Focus on Gratitude: They consciously give their spouse credit for the marriage’s happiness and express regular appreciation.
8. How do highly happy couples keep their marriages strong over time, according to The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages?
- Prioritize Time Together: They make a habit of spending quality time together, treating each other as best friends.
- Plug Into Community: Many are involved in supportive communities or faith groups that reinforce positive habits.
- Commit Fully: They are “all in,” avoiding emotional hedging or keeping backup plans, which increases security and intimacy.
- Keep Learning: They view marriage as a lifelong journey of learning about and adapting to each other.
9. What role does faith or a higher purpose play in highly happy marriages, according to Shaunti Feldhahn?
- God at the Center: Many of the happiest couples put God or a higher purpose at the center of their marriage, seeking fulfillment beyond the relationship itself.
- Shared Values: Couples with shared faith or values experience fewer conflicts over major life decisions.
- Focus on Serving: Faith often motivates spouses to serve each other selflessly, rather than seeking to be served.
- Community Support: Active participation in a faith community provides encouragement, accountability, and practical support.
10. What are some practical steps couples can take to apply the advice from The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages?
- Start Small: Focus on one or two new habits at a time rather than trying to change everything at once.
- Identify Strengths: Acknowledge and build on what you’re already doing well in your marriage.
- Practice Generosity: Look for ways to give back when your spouse is carrying a heavier load.
- Celebrate Progress: Notice and celebrate positive changes, reinforcing new habits and attitudes.
11. What are the best quotes from The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and what do they mean?
- “Small changes in awareness and action truly can change everything.” — Emphasizes the power of little, intentional acts in transforming a marriage.
- “Highly happy spouses choose to believe their mate cares for them—no matter what they’re seeing from their spouse or feeling at the time—and they act accordingly.” — Highlights the importance of assuming goodwill.
- “Happy couples keep track of what their mate is giving and what they need as a result, and deliberately try to give back.” — Encourages a mindset of generosity and gratitude.
- “When there is no other option and you fully invest emotionally because you have to make it work, it dramatically increases commitment, certainty, and security.” — Stresses the value of being “all in” for marital happiness.
12. How can someone move from a so-so marriage to a highly happy one using Feldhahn’s approach?
- Apply One Habit at a Time: Choose a single habit from the book to focus on for several weeks before adding another.
- Be the First to Change: Even if your spouse isn’t on board, your positive changes can influence the overall relationship dynamic.
- Seek Support: Connect with other couples or a supportive community to stay motivated and accountable.
- Practice Patience and Grace: Recognize that building new habits takes time, and be generous with yourself and your spouse as you grow together.
Review Summary
Readers praise The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages for its practical, research-based advice on improving marriages. Many appreciate the focus on simple, actionable habits that can make a big difference. Key takeaways include assuming the best intentions from one's spouse and the importance of small gestures. Some readers found the statistics and Christian perspective helpful, while others skimmed those parts. Overall, the book is highly recommended for couples seeking to enhance their relationship, with many reporting positive changes after applying its principles.
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