The Tell

1. A Life Built on Running and the Pursuit of Perfection

I ran because I was afraid of what I would feel if I sat still.

Early life facade. Growing up in Amarillo, Texas, the author cultivated an image of the perfect daughter, athlete, and leader, mirroring the ordered world of her family's convenience stores. This external perfection was a shield, a way to earn approval and feel safe in a culture that valued appearance and achievement. Running became her primary coping mechanism, a constant motion to outrun internal discomfort.

Achievement as validation. Success in sports and academics was a path to her father's pride and community recognition. This reinforced the belief that her worth was tied to accomplishments, leading to a relentless drive for exceptionalism. The pressure to be the "real leader" and the "perfect" daughter became a heavy burden, replacing childhood spontaneity with a need for control.

Loss of freedom. The carefree abandon of childhood, like doing cartwheels or riding a banana-seat bike, was gradually supplanted by teenage neurosis and a need for control. This shift wasn't understood at the time, only felt as a loss of innocence. The author learned to prioritize others' comfort and suppress her own needs, becoming a people-pleaser conditioned to look good and achieve, even if it meant sacrificing her true self.

2. The Body Remembers: Physical Manifestations of Unseen Trauma

It was like my body knew something that I didn’t.

Physical toll of repression. Despite a seemingly perfect life, the author experienced chronic physical ailments, including back and hip surgeries, sinus infections, and unexplained panic attacks. These physical issues were the body's way of signaling unresolved trauma, a "tell" that something was deeply wrong beneath the surface of her high-functioning life.

Body's instinctual reactions. The body reacted viscerally to triggers, even seemingly innocuous ones like a dentist pressing on her shoulder or her husband playfully using a yoga strap. These moments triggered fight-or-flight responses, revealing a deep-seated fear and need to escape, long before the conscious mind understood the source. The body held the memory, even when the mind did not.

Running as avoidance. The relentless need for physical activity, culminating in training for a triathlon, was an attempt to outrun internal feelings. Even after achieving significant athletic feats, the expected euphoria was absent, replaced by emptiness. This highlighted that external accomplishments could not fill the void or silence the body's persistent messages.

3. A Catalyst for Truth: Psychedelic Therapy Unlocks Memory

It’s not rewinding... It’s rebecoming. You have always been your essential self. You just have to remember.

Seeking a breakthrough. Feeling stuck and disconnected despite her successful life, the author was resistant to traditional therapy but open to exploring psychedelic-assisted therapy after witnessing its transformative effect on her husband. His newfound openness about his own past demonstrated the potential for healing and self-discovery.

MDMA as a facilitator. The therapeutic use of pure MDMA, guided by a facilitator, created a state of safety and introspection. It calmed the fear response (amygdala) and fostered self-compassion, allowing the author to access memories that had been blocked by denial and shame. The facilitator's role was to witness and support, not to guide or interpret the experience.

Accessing deep knowing. The session was described as meeting one's most compassionate self and encountering deepest knowing. It wasn't a hallucination but a vivid, real-time reliving of past events, seen from a new perspective. This experience provided undeniable certainty that the memories were real, bypassing the conscious mind's defenses and allowing the truth to surface.

4. Unearthing the Unthinkable: Recalling Repressed Abuse

“Oh,” I said simply, realizing, “I did nothing wrong.”

Sudden, vivid recall. During the MDMA session, repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse by a middle school teacher, Mr. Mason, surfaced with shocking clarity. The memories were sensory and visceral, placing the adult author as a witness to her younger self's experience in specific locations like the school bathroom, classroom, and locker room.

The mechanism of grooming. The memories revealed how the abuser exploited the author's core desire for validation and leadership. Mr. Mason's praise and attention, particularly after she lost the student council election, built trust and made her feel special, creating a vulnerability he then exploited. This explained why she spent time alone at school and felt a strange charge around him.

Shattering denial. The realization that the abuse was real and that she was
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Last updated: May 28, 2025