Think Like a Psychologist

1. Analyze People by Understanding Their Past

If you can learn to interpret the past well, you can gain a more thorough understanding of people’s actions, motivations, and worldviews right now in the present.

Past shapes present. People's current behaviors are often a direct result of their past experiences. Understanding someone's history, especially their childhood, provides valuable insights into their present actions and motivations. It's like reading the first few chapters of a book to understand the characters' current actions.

Patterns of behavior. Past events can create predictable patterns in a person's life. For example, someone who experienced instability in their childhood might exhibit a fear of commitment in their adult relationships. These patterns aren't always obvious, but they are often consistent. Consider:

• Early childhood experiences
• Key life events
• Family dynamics

Context is key. Analyzing the past isn't about judging, but about understanding. It's about recognizing that people's actions are often a response to their unique life circumstances. By understanding the context of their past, we can better understand their present.

2. Observe Facial Expressions for Emotional Truth

Microexpressions are spontaneous, tiny contractions of certain muscle groups that are predictably related to emotions and are the same in all people, regardless of upbringing, background, or cultural expectation.

Microexpressions reveal hidden emotions. Facial expressions, especially microexpressions (fleeting expressions lasting fractions of a second), can reveal a person's true feelings, even when they are trying to conceal them. These are involuntary and difficult to fake. Think of them as emotional "tells."

Six universal emotions. According to Paul Ekman, there are six universal emotions that have corresponding microexpressions: happiness, sadness, disgust, anger, fear, and surprise. Each emotion has specific muscle contractions associated with it. For example:

• Happiness: lifted cheeks, raised mouth corners
• Sadness: drooping mouth corners, lowered outer eyebrows
• Anger: lowered and tensed eyebrows, tightened eyes

Discrepancies are key. Look for discrepancies between what someone says and their facial expressions. A person might verbally agree with you, but a fleeting expression of disgust might reveal their true feelings. These discrepancies are often more telling than the words themselves.

3. Body Language Reveals Unspoken Feelings

The human body was “a kind of billboard that advertised what a person was thinking.”

Nonverbal communication is powerful. Body language, including posture, gestures, and movements, communicates a wealth of information about a person's feelings and intentions. It's often more honest than verbal communication because it's less consciously controlled. Think of it as a silent language.

Fight, flight, or freeze. Our bodies react to perceived threats with fight, flight, or freeze responses. These responses can manifest in subtle ways, such as:

• Freezing: locking legs, staying fixed
• Flight: moving away, positioning limbs toward the exit
• Fight: picking arguments, adopting threatening gestures

Pacifying behaviors. When stressed, people often engage in pacifying behaviors to self-soothe, such as touching the neck, rubbing the forehead, or fiddling with hair. These behaviors can indicate discomfort, insecurity, or tension. They are like a physical manifestation of inner turmoil.

4. Emotional Intelligence: Know Yourself to Know Others

Emotional intelligence is knowing and perceiving the emotions you feel and why you feel them, then transferring that type of awareness onto others.

Self-awareness is the foundation. Emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness – understanding your own emotions, why you feel them, and how they impact your behavior. It's like having a personal emotional compass.

Four components of emotional intelligence:

• Self-awareness: understanding your own emotions
• Self-management: controlling your emotions and reactions
• Self-motivation: using emotions to drive you toward goals
• Social awareness: understanding the emotions of others

Empathy is key. Emotional intelligence involves not only understanding your own emotions but also being able to recognize and empathize with the emotions of others. It's about stepping into someone else's shoes. This allows for more effective communication and deeper connections.

5. Subtext: What's Not Said is Often What Matters

What we say is not really what we mean most of the time, and this is something we begin to learn as children.

Beyond the words. Communication is more than just the words we use. Subtext, the unspoken message behind the words, often reveals a person's true feelings and intentions. It's like reading between the lines of a conversation.

Overt vs. covert communication. Overt communication is the explicit message, while covert communication is the implied message. Subtext relies on tone, body language, context, and other nonverbal cues. For example:

• "Fine" with a flat tone might mean "I'm not happy"
• "I'm busy" might mean "I'm not interested"

Subtext is everywhere. Subtext is present in all forms of communication, from work and dating to social situations and family dynamics. Understanding subtext allows you to navigate social interactions more effectively. It's like having a secret code to decipher people's true intentions.

6. Ask Indirect Questions for Direct Insights

Through innocent questioning, we can uncover a host of information that represents an entire worldview or set of values.

Indirect questions reveal values. Asking indirect questions can uncover a person's values, motivations, and worldview more effectively than direct questions. It's like using a fishing net instead of a spear.

Examples of indirect questions:

• "What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and what punishment would you work hardest to avoid?"
• "Where do you want to spend money, and where do you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?"
• "What is your most personally significant and meaningful achievement and also your most meaningful disappointment or failure?"

Focus on behavior. These questions are designed to elicit information about a person's behaviors and actions, which are often more revealing than their stated intentions. It's about understanding what people do, not just what they say.

7. Stories Uncover Hidden Motivations

The more you are able to hear people talk about their inner thoughts and desires, the more information you have to make guesses and analyses.

Stories reveal inner worlds. Asking people to share stories about their experiences can provide valuable insights into their values, motivations, and thought patterns. It's like looking through a window into their inner world.

The Seven Stories Exercise:

1. List 25 accomplishments
2. Narrow down to 7 significant ones
3. Write stories about each
4. Analyze the stories for patterns and themes

Carl Jung's Personality Test:

• Name a color, animal, body of water, and describe a white room
• Adjectives reveal self-perception, perception of others, sex life, and view of death

Subconscious thought. These methods are designed to tap into a person's subconscious thoughts and desires, revealing aspects of their personality that they may not even be aware of. It's like uncovering hidden layers of meaning.

8. Motivation: Pleasure, Pain, and Needs

Every decision we make is based on gaining pleasure or avoiding pain.

The pleasure principle. People are primarily motivated by the desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. This is a fundamental human drive that influences all of our decisions. It's like a compass guiding our actions.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Human needs are organized in a hierarchy, with basic needs (physiological, safety) at the bottom and higher needs (love, self-esteem, self-actualization) at the top. People are motivated to fulfill needs at each level. It's like climbing a ladder of human potential.

McClelland's theory of needs. People are primarily motivated by one of three needs: achievement, affiliation, or power. Understanding a person's dominant need can help predict their behavior. It's like understanding their primary driving force.

9. Ego Defense: Protecting the Self

Protecting yourself from others is a frequent reason for our behaviors, and we are highly motivated to shield the ego for many reasons.

Ego protection is a powerful motivator. People are highly motivated to protect their ego, or sense of self-worth, from perceived threats. This can lead to self-deception and intellectual dishonesty. It's like having a personal bodyguard for your self-image.

Defense mechanisms. The ego employs various defense mechanisms to protect itself, such as:

• Denial: refusing to acknowledge reality
• Rationalization: making excuses for negative behavior
• Projection: attributing one's own negative traits to others
• Repression: pushing unpleasant thoughts out of consciousness

Recognizing defense mechanisms. Identifying defense mechanisms in others can provide insights into their insecurities and vulnerabilities. It's like seeing behind the mask they present to the world.

10. Attachment Styles Shape Relationships

Our parents show us a model of how the world works, and this is for better or worse.

Attachment styles originate in childhood. Attachment styles, which describe how people approach relationships, are formed in early childhood based on interactions with primary caregivers. These styles influence adult relationships. It's like having a blueprint for how to connect with others.

Four attachment styles:

• Secure: comfortable with intimacy and independence
• Anxious-preoccupied: crave intimacy, fear abandonment
• Dismissive-avoidant: avoid intimacy, value independence
• Fearful-avoidant: desire intimacy but fear rejection

Understanding attachment styles. Recognizing a person's attachment style can help you understand their relationship patterns and predict their behavior in close relationships. It's like having a map of their emotional landscape.

11. Parental Patterns Impact Self-Esteem

If the key people in our lives mirror back to us a distorted appraisal of who we are, we don’t challenge it—we accept it as fact and take it as our own.

Self-esteem is shaped by early experiences. Self-esteem, or our inner appraisal of our own worth, is significantly influenced by our early interactions with caregivers. It's like having a mirror that reflects back our value.

Negative parental patterns:

• Perfectionism: constant pressure to achieve
• Role reversal: children become caregivers for parents
• Neglect: children's needs are ignored or dismissed
• Conditional love: worth is based on external approval

Impact on adulthood. These patterns can lead to low self-esteem, people-pleasing, self-sabotage, and other negative behaviors in adulthood. It's like carrying the weight of past experiences into the present.

12. Birth Order: A Possible Influence

Each child, by virtue of where they are relative to other children, will face unique challenges that in turn foster certain personality traits.

Birth order and personality. While not definitive, birth order may have some influence on personality traits. First-born children are often seen as responsible, middle children as peacemakers, and last-born children as rebellious. It's like having a role in the family drama.

First-born children:

• Often mature faster and act more responsibly
• May be more achievement-oriented and conscientious

Middle children:

• May be more adaptable and seek harmony
• May feel overlooked or neglected

Last-born children:

• May be more rebellious and attention-seeking
• May be more creative and outgoing

Context matters. Birth order is just one factor that can influence personality. It's important to consider other factors, such as family dynamics, culture, and individual experiences. It's like a single piece in a larger puzzle.

Last updated: January 21, 2025