This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids

1. Love and support your child unconditionally

Your child is still your child, with many of the same needs they had before coming out to you.

Unwavering love is crucial. Your child's sexual orientation or gender identity doesn't change who they are at their core. They need your acceptance and support now more than ever. This doesn't mean you won't have questions or concerns, but it's essential to communicate that your love is constant.

Create a safe haven. Ensure your home remains a place of unconditional love and acceptance. This provides your child with stability as they navigate potential challenges in other areas of their life. Be vocal about your support, both in private conversations and by standing up for your child if needed in family or community settings.

Actions speak louder than words. Show your support through:

• Listening without judgment
• Respecting their privacy and allowing them to come out to others on their own terms
• Educating yourself about LGBTQ issues
• Attending PFLAG meetings or other support groups if you need guidance

2. Coming out is an ongoing process for both child and parent

Coming out is never how we imagine it might be, and it is never something that we are prepared for on either end of the dialogue.

Expect the unexpected. There's no perfect script for coming out conversations. Be prepared for a range of emotions from both you and your child. It's okay to feel surprised, confused, or even upset initially. What matters most is how you move forward together.

Coming out happens in stages. Your child may come out to different people at different times. They might be out to friends but not extended family, or comfortable in some settings but not others. As a parent, you'll also go through a process of coming out as the parent of an LGBTQ child.

• Stages of coming out for your child might include:

  • Self-realization
  • Telling close friends
  • Telling immediate family
  • Being open in school or work environments
  • Public openness

• Your journey as a parent might involve:

  • Initial processing of the information
  • Educating yourself
  • Telling other family members
  • Becoming an ally or advocate

3. Educate yourself about LGBTQ identities and experiences

The more you know, the more open you can be with your child.

Knowledge dispels fear. Many concerns parents have stem from misconceptions or lack of information about LGBTQ experiences. Take the initiative to learn about different sexual orientations, gender identities, and the challenges faced by the LGBTQ community.

Seek out reliable resources. Look for information from reputable LGBTQ organizations, medical professionals, and academic sources. Be wary of outdated or biased information. Some excellent starting points include:

• PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
• The Trevor Project
• GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation)
• Local LGBTQ community centers

Understand key terminology. Familiarize yourself with important terms and concepts such as:

• Sexual orientation vs. gender identity
• Transgender, non-binary, and genderqueer identities
• Coming out vs. being outed
• Heteronormativity and cisnormativity

4. Facilitate open communication and ask questions

Ask questions, and be patient if you don't receive a positive response immediately. Revisit your questions, and seek support from others who are in similar positions.

Create a judgment-free zone. Encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings by maintaining an open and non-judgmental attitude. Let them know it's okay to talk about their experiences, even if they're still figuring things out.

Ask thoughtful questions. Show interest in your child's life and experiences, but be mindful of boundaries. Some appropriate questions might include:

• "How long have you known?"
• "Is there anyone special in your life?"
• "How can I best support you?"

Avoid invasive or overly personal questions about sexual experiences or medical procedures.

Listen actively. When your child shares, give them your full attention. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure understanding. Validate their feelings, even if you don't fully understand or agree with everything they say.

5. Address concerns about discrimination and safety

It is not the genetic composition of an LGBTQ individual that predisposes them to depression and suicide, but rather a direct response to how they are treated in their communities, at school, and within their own homes.

Acknowledge real challenges. LGBTQ individuals face higher rates of bullying, discrimination, and mental health issues. It's natural to worry about your child's safety and well-being. Address these concerns openly with your child.

Empower through preparation. Work together to develop strategies for handling potential discrimination or bullying. This might include:

• Identifying supportive teachers or counselors at school
• Role-playing responses to negative comments
• Knowing their legal rights
• Finding LGBTQ-friendly healthcare providers

Create a support network. Help your child connect with other LGBTQ youth and allies. Look for:

• GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance) clubs at school
• LGBTQ youth groups at community centers
• Online support communities (ensuring proper internet safety)

Be an advocate. Stand up for your child's rights in school, healthcare settings, and the community. Familiarize yourself with anti-discrimination laws and policies in your area.

6. Reconcile religious beliefs with your child's identity

Having patience with those initial feelings and fears. Gather the tools you need to adjust to a new (and ever-changing) picture of your child's future.

Examine core values. Many religions emphasize love, compassion, and acceptance. Focus on these principles as you navigate your beliefs. Remember that many LGBTQ individuals maintain strong faith while living authentically.

Seek inclusive interpretations. Explore LGBTQ-affirming perspectives within your faith tradition. Many religious scholars and leaders offer alternative interpretations of texts traditionally used to condemn homosexuality.

Find supportive faith communities. Look for welcoming and affirming congregations that celebrate LGBTQ individuals. Organizations like:

• The Reformation Project (Christian)
• Keshet (Jewish)
• Muslims for Progressive Values

can help connect you with inclusive faith communities.

Separate civil rights from religious beliefs. Even if you're struggling with religious acceptance, support your child's legal rights and protections. Civil marriage equality, non-discrimination laws, and other protections are separate from religious doctrine.

7. Understand gender identity as distinct from sexual orientation

Gender identity does not determine sexuality, and sexuality does not determine gender identity.

Clarify key concepts. Gender identity (one's internal sense of being male, female, or non-binary) is separate from sexual orientation (who one is attracted to). A person can be transgender and gay, straight, bisexual, or any other orientation.

Respect self-identification. Allow your child to express their gender identity in ways that feel authentic to them. This might include:

• Using different pronouns or a new name
• Changes in clothing or appearance
• Social transition (living as their identified gender in some or all settings)

Understand the spectrum. Gender isn't always binary (male or female). Some people identify as:

• Non-binary
• Genderqueer
• Genderfluid
• Agender

Learn about these identities to better support your child.

8. Promote safe sex practices and healthy relationships

Kids have sex. Even when forbidden from doing so, kids have sex. When given the tools to understand sex, what it means, how it works, and how to practice it responsibly, they are much safer and more prepared to make important decisions than they would be if they were operating blindly.

Open dialogue is crucial. Create an environment where your child feels comfortable discussing relationships and sex. This allows you to provide guidance and ensure they have accurate information.

Provide comprehensive information. Many schools lack LGBTQ-inclusive sex education. Ensure your child understands:

• STI prevention for all types of sexual activity
• Consent and healthy relationships
• Where to access LGBTQ-friendly healthcare

Focus on health, not morality. Frame discussions around staying healthy and safe rather than imposing judgments about sexual activity. Encourage responsible decision-making without shame.

Address LGBTQ-specific concerns. Discuss issues particularly relevant to LGBTQ youth, such as:

• Coming out in relationships
• Navigating dating apps safely
• Dealing with rejection or discrimination in dating

9. Navigate school and social challenges together

Bullying is a very complex issue and is often oversimplified to reflect a "bad person" (the bully) and a "good person" (the victim). Keep in mind that nearly every child has been on both sides of bullying—there is a lot more at work than simply having bad kids versus good kids.

Be proactive. Work with your child's school to ensure a safe, inclusive environment. This might involve:

• Meeting with administrators to discuss anti-bullying policies
• Advocating for LGBTQ-inclusive curriculum
• Supporting or helping start a GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance) club

Develop coping strategies. Help your child build resilience and self-confidence. Teach them how to:

• Identify trusted adults for support
• Respond assertively to bullying
• Document incidents of harassment

Address cyberbullying. Online harassment is a growing concern. Discuss internet safety and responsible social media use. Monitor online activity as appropriate for your child's age.

Celebrate diversity. Encourage your child to embrace their identity and find pride in the LGBTQ community. Attend Pride events together or explore LGBTQ history and culture.

10. Find support for yourself as a parent

You can't be a supportive parent without knowing what you want and how you're feeling.

Acknowledge your feelings. It's normal to experience a range of emotions when your child comes out. Allow yourself time to process without judgment.

Connect with other parents. Join support groups like PFLAG to share experiences and advice with other parents of LGBTQ children. This can be invaluable for navigating challenges and celebrating successes.

Seek professional help if needed. Consider therapy or counseling if you're struggling to accept your child's identity or need help processing your emotions. Look for LGBTQ-affirming mental health professionals.

Practice self-care. Supporting your child through their coming out journey can be emotionally taxing. Make time for activities that recharge you, whether it's exercise, meditation, or hobbies.

Become an advocate. Many parents find purpose and healing in becoming LGBTQ advocates. Consider:

• Volunteering with LGBTQ organizations
• Speaking out against discrimination
• Supporting LGBTQ-inclusive policies in your community

Last updated: November 10, 2024