Touched Out

1. Motherhood in America: A complex journey of personal and societal expectations

"I sometimes imagine there is one forgotten trauma, one moment in my youth, when I started to unstitch from my center, but the beginning of a body is untraceable, even if, in America, we are always trying to start ours from scratch."

Cultural conditioning. From a young age, women in America are shaped by societal expectations about their bodies, sexuality, and future roles as mothers. This conditioning often begins subtly, through toys, media representations, and family dynamics. As girls grow into women, they internalize messages about their value being tied to appearance, sexual availability, and eventual motherhood.

Unrealistic ideals. The American ideal of motherhood often presents an impossible standard - the woman who effortlessly balances career, family, and personal fulfillment. This narrative ignores the complex realities of motherhood, including:

• Physical and emotional challenges of pregnancy and childbirth
• Lack of adequate support systems for new mothers
• Ongoing pressures to "bounce back" physically and professionally
• Conflicting advice on parenting styles and techniques

Personal vs. societal expectations. Many women enter motherhood with a mix of excitement and trepidation, often finding a disconnect between their lived experiences and the romanticized version of motherhood presented in popular culture. This disparity can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and isolation as mothers struggle to reconcile their personal experiences with societal expectations.

2. The physical and emotional toll of motherhood: Feeling "touched out" and overwhelmed

"I was devoured, in other words, by a certain control I felt I needed to keep over my facial expressions, my thoughts, and my words, just as much as I was overrun by the physicality of caring for my child."

Physical demands. Motherhood, especially in the early years, involves intense physical labor:

• Constant holding, feeding, and soothing of infants
• Lack of sleep and physical exhaustion
• Recovery from childbirth and hormonal changes
• Breastfeeding challenges and body changes

Emotional labor. Beyond the physical demands, mothers often bear the brunt of emotional work in the family:

• Managing household schedules and logistics
• Anticipating and meeting children's emotional needs
• Navigating relationship changes with partners
• Balancing personal identity with the role of "mother"

The concept of being "touched out". Many mothers experience a phenomenon where they feel overwhelmed by physical contact, leading to:

• Desire for personal space and bodily autonomy
• Decreased interest in intimacy with partners
• Guilt over these feelings, as they conflict with ideals of maternal sacrifice
• Need for strategies to cope with sensory overload and maintain personal boundaries

3. Consent and autonomy: Navigating boundaries in parenting and intimacy

"There is a limit to what all bodies can stand, and though those limits are certainly different for all parents, they are always related to our need to feel human, and to feel free."

Redefining consent. Motherhood often requires a reevaluation of personal boundaries and consent:

• Constant physical demands of childcare can blur lines of bodily autonomy
• Past experiences of sexual violation may resurface in the context of motherhood
• Need to model and teach consent to children while navigating one's own boundaries

Balancing needs. Mothers must find ways to balance their own needs with those of their children and partners:

• Communicating personal limits and desires
• Establishing routines that allow for personal space and self-care
• Negotiating intimacy and physical affection in relationships

Cultural context. American culture often fails to provide adequate frameworks for discussing consent and autonomy within families:

• Lack of comprehensive sex education and consent training
• Persistent myths about maternal instinct and sacrifice
• Need for more open dialogue about the complexities of intimacy and care work

4. The hidden labor of care work: Undervalued and gendered expectations

"Here was a woman in terrible pain," Esther says later, "obviously feeling every bit of it or she wouldn't groan like that, and she would go straight home and start another baby, because the drug would make her forget how bad the pain had been, when all the time, in some secret part of her, that long, blind, doorless and windowless corridor of pain was waiting to open up and shut her in again."

Invisible work. Care work, predominantly performed by women, is often unrecognized and undervalued:

• Emotional labor of anticipating family needs
• Physical tasks of cleaning, cooking, and childcare
• Mental load of managing household logistics and schedules
• Societal expectations that this work should be done out of love, not for compensation

Economic impact. The undervaluation of care work has significant economic consequences:

• Women's unpaid labor estimated to be worth trillions of dollars annually
• Career interruptions and "mommy track" limiting professional advancement
• Lack of adequate childcare options forcing difficult choices between work and family

Challenging norms. There is a growing recognition of the need to challenge gendered expectations around care work:

• Calls for policy changes such as paid family leave and subsidized childcare
• Efforts to encourage more equitable division of household labor
• Reframing care work as a valuable contribution to society deserving of recognition and compensation

5. Reclaiming the body: Motherhood as a catalyst for self-discovery and empowerment

"Becoming a parent can be transformational, radicalizing even, in its invitation to see the world differently than we ever saw it before."

Physical transformation. Motherhood brings profound changes to the body:

• Pregnancy and childbirth alter physical appearance and capabilities
• Breastfeeding creates new sensations and relationships with one's body
• Recovery and adaptation to a changed body can be challenging but also empowering

Emotional awakening. The intense experiences of motherhood often lead to deep self-reflection:

• Confronting past traumas and unresolved issues
• Developing new perspectives on identity and purpose
• Finding strength and resilience in the face of challenges

Redefining relationships. Motherhood can catalyze changes in how women relate to others:

• Renegotiating intimacy and partnership with significant others
• Forming new communities with other parents
• Advocating for oneself and one's children in various settings

6. The impact of societal norms on maternal experiences and choices

"American motherhood has always reeked of misogyny—of the expectation that women give and never receive, and of the belief that whatever women do give, it will never be enough, or it will be too much."

Cultural narratives. Dominant societal narratives shape expectations of motherhood:

• Idealization of maternal sacrifice and selflessness
• Pressure to conform to specific parenting styles or choices
• Judgment and mom-shaming for deviating from perceived norms

Policy implications. Societal attitudes towards motherhood influence policy decisions:

• Lack of comprehensive parental leave policies
• Inadequate support for maternal health and postpartum care
• Ongoing debates over reproductive rights and bodily autonomy

Resistance and change. Increasingly, mothers are pushing back against restrictive norms:

• Sharing honest accounts of maternal experiences on social media
• Advocating for policy changes to support families
• Redefining success and fulfillment on their own terms

7. Challenging the institution of motherhood: Towards a more equitable future

"Beginning again—not with the same materials, but as if for the first time—that is the work of creativity, and that kind of novelty is much harder to come by."

Reimagining care work. There is a growing movement to reframe how society values and supports care:

• Calls for economic recognition of unpaid labor
• Efforts to de-gender care work and encourage more equitable participation
• Exploration of communal and alternative family structures

Policy advocacy. Activists and policymakers are pushing for structural changes:

• Comprehensive paid family leave policies
• Affordable, high-quality childcare options
• Improved maternal health care and support services

Cultural shift. Challenging the institution of motherhood requires broader societal changes:

• Questioning traditional gender roles and expectations
• Promoting diverse representations of motherhood in media and culture
• Fostering open dialogue about the realities of parenting and care work

Last updated: November 18, 2024